Awards and Awards

I have seen these blog awards going around and waited patiently for someone in the Calvinverse to bestow it upon me. Because if I ask for it then its really not meaningful is it? NOW, thanks to 'Electric Cerebrectomy' and 'Love Letters From Cora' I can lap up the love like a prostitute during Fleet Week. They rules are the same. Pass it on..blah blah blah and tell ten things about yourself that you of course haven't revealed to anyone yet since we bloggers are a notoriously secretive lot when it comes to the personal information or opinions.

1. I think butter on a meat sandwich is a crime against humanity. However, if you toast the bread its essential. What the hell?

2. I can only sleep with a fan running in the room. I had a white noise machine once but it broke down. I have to buy a new fan every two or three months and I have to turn them all on in the store until the right one sounds perfect to me. Stop giving me THAT look. The kid at the fan store beat you to it.

3. You will never convince me that Twitter is necessary or even interesting to use. Even those of you on it wish you never would have started but now you are addicted to reading about what kind of a day you are missing out on by NOT being a vacant celebrity like Aston Kucher. Look into your own cold, dead eyes and realize that no one can be pithy or witty with so few characters. I can live without a cell phone so I do realize that Twitter may not have been designed for someone like me.

4. I mention this everytime I am asked to produce one of these lists because its one thing that makes me the magical creature I am. I can tell when the phone is going to ring. Often with enough time to say "PHONE" before the ringing starts. Its like my 'spider sense' can tell the electrical impulse is coming to the phone. I have actually gotten better at this over the years since I first recognized this 'talent'.

5. I asked someone to marry me once. At first she said yes and three days later she gave me the ring back and I haven't seen or talked to her since then. We had grown up together. I saved her life and gave her a life in more ways that you can know. She was the only person I ever really loved I think. When I told my friends about this I spent three days in a chair in the back yard bouncing a ball against the garage wall while drinking strawberry daiquiris until my pee was red. Then I was fine and never spoke of it to anyone close to me again.

6. Once during exam week at the end of the school year I went to an extended lunch with some other teachers and drank five rum and cokes. They might have been doubles...I don't remember. Later that afternoon I supervised a final exam. Half way through the writing of the test I turned on the radio cause I was bored and wanted to hear some music. I was that loaded that I had forgotten where I was and what I should have been doing. All the students turned and looked at me and I KNOW they KNEW I was drunk. I quickly turned off the radio and didn't make eye contact with anyone. Never have I been more frightened in all my life that I would lose my job. No one, however, said a thing about it.

7. I learned all the words to 'The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald' by Gordon Lightfoot so I could sing "The lake that they call Gitchee Gumie", TWICE. The best name for a lake EVER!

8. I love stupid movies about mutated animals of monstrous size and evil machinery that comes to life to kill people and take on great names like 'Killdozer'. Watching a group of basically unpleasant people meet their horrible end at the hands of these impossible killer creations is like candy to me.

9. I am totally afraid of all forms of sea life. 7/10ths of this planet is covered with water and STILL...STILL they have to brush up against MY leg when I get in the water. Ever hear about PERSONAL SPACE? Drain it and pave it I say. Fuck all sea life...and YOU, Mr Cephaolopod (AKA Tentacled Bastards) are on the top of my hit list. I only want to see you if you are breaded or dipped in butter. They are JUST so smug and I find smugness to be the least attractive quality in a sea creature or even a land creature for that matter. You don't like it? Too bad. I am the one with the thumbs so I am in charge although a tentacle seems to have no trouble picking up a pipe wrench. No can you see why I am afraid?

10. As much as I would like to be in love or have a family I know I am not cut out for that kind of life. It would kill me to disappoint another person who relies on me that much or who puts their faith in me to that degree. I'm far more comfortable living down to everyone's expectations.

Now to pass on to others. I don't want to leave anyone out because anyone who blogs does an incredibly personal thing even if all you do is admit to the world that you love the Baroness more than you really should (and I count myself in that group). So this one time only I bestow these awards on you if I have ever commented on anything you have posted. If I commented you know I enjoy your stuff and read it whenever a new post goes up on my blog list. I consider it my duty to say something about the opinions or revelations that I read about if I agree with them (or not) or if they make me rethink a belief of mine. I know its a bit of a cop out to do it this way. Thank you to everyone who had kind words for me lately.