Calvin's Canadian Cave of Coolness

Friday, December 2, 2022

From The Archives Of Cool - Why I Hate Octopus

An open letter to all you collaborators out there:

Of course there is only one topic I could use for letter 'O' and that is the word OCTOPUS. Spend five seconds in the 'Cave of Cool' and you will learn how we feel about these tentacled Cephalopods.

I have always hated and feared them. Even the fake ones in badly made horror films caused me to fill my diaper as a kid. I never liked to swim in rivers, lakes or oceans because I tend to FREAK OUT when anything brushes against my leg. Most things that live in those kind of waters have no respect for a human and his personal space.

At least at the indoor pool I can look before I dive. No ominous shadows gliding through the chlorine? Good. In I go.

When I was about 7 I went to an aquarium on a school trip. As I walked past the octopus tank one of these assholes of the sea launched himself at me so hard that I could hear the sound it made as he hit the glass wall of the tank. I jumped ten feet to the side and have never been the same since. My father said he could see the demon was coming for me and no one else.

As I got older I studied these creatures because I hoped that by learning more about them that my fear would subside. WRONG. The more I learn about these bulbheaded freaks the more I want to kill every single one of them on this planet for the good of the human race.

First of all, they have no bones except for a hard beak with which to crush your skull with. Their tentacles can reach out, attach to you with their powerful suckers or hooks and drag you down to the dark murky depths of the ocean where they can kill you at THEIR leisure.

They can live at depths that humans (even those in sophisticated bathyspheres) cannot go. What are they really up to that far down in the ocean? I guarantee it's nothing that benefits us on land. Hate is all they know. Killing us is all they care about.

If I was an alien species I would hide my spaceship at the bottom of the oceans where no one will find me. Since Octopus also live at those depths I have no illusion that the two groups haven't already made first contact.

They can slide through holes and openings not much bigger than a quarter or stuff themselves into small jars. Rats can do that on land and I don't much care for rat's either.

Octopus can camouflage themselves to look like their surroundings so you never know when one might suddenly spring forth to GETCHA without any warning.

And of course they can spray an inky cloud to confuse their enemies and make a quick escape. I have had them do this to me many times because they are gutless and don't want to face a creature (me) with a murderous instinct equal or greater than their own.

Very few creatures have such a wide array of attack and defence adaptations. These traits would only be necessary if they daily found themselves in a constant life and death struggle with the creatures that live around them. What do I conclude from this? I conclude that even other sea life hate them.

They are hated because at their very core octopus are evil. They are not the cute cartoon characters that join your beach party, wear sombreros and can play eight musical instruments at one time. They gossip and are bad house guests. They borrow your car and always bring it back to you with the gas tank empty. They are a menace.

I am sure that they are in contact with a myriad of alien species who park their spaceships on the bottom of the ocean where the octopus and squids live. They are planning and scheming with these extraterrestrials against humans as we speak.

For this reason, it has been the mission statement of 'Cave of Cool Inc.' to eradicate each and ever one of these tentacled bastards from the planet - even if I have to personally drain each and every sea to do it.

Long have the Japanese known that the only GOOD octopus is an EATEN octopus. They love them raw or cooked or made into chips or other treats. I have respect for their lack of respect for the cephalopods.

So for all of you who mistakenly love these freaks, I hope that you never know how close to danger that you are every time you take your kids to the beach.

My friend Belle has a different take on these things which you can read by following the link below. Every point she lists about how great the octopus is, I have a counter argument to.

So be careful. Educate yourself about the danger they pose. Stay safe and keep coming back to the 'Cave of Cool' so I can remind you often of all the ways that the cephalopods can GETCHA.