Wednesday, April 17, 2013

A-Z Challenge 'O' Can Be for Lots Of Things


'O' is for the Olsen Twins.
 
Clearly one is normal and the other traded her soul to the Devil in exchange for some extra smokes. I don't know which one is Ashley and which is Mary-Kate and I don't think it really matters anymore. Like department store mannequins their heads are interchangeable. I have yet to see the gloomy one smile. I guess she's an 'artiste'.

 
How that gorgeous Elizabeth ever avoided the demons that haunt her two souless muppet like sisters, I will never know.
 
 
'O' IS ALSO FOR THE HATED OCTOPUS
 
 
 
'O' is also for our deadliest enemy, the OCTOPUS. I know for some of your deluded collaborators these creatures are beautiful and enigmatic. In the truth they are a freakshow and your worst enemies. First of all they have a thousand ways to drag you or your stupid children down to a water death using any one of the 100s of barbs on their tentacles. There are eight of those BTW - tentacles - do the math.
 
 
Plus they are loners. Any creature on this planet that doesn't make friends easily, even with it's own kind is not to be trusted. Teach your children not to befriend them or go too near the ocean with these tentacled demons. The are consummate liars and cheaters. Thy take money from the bank while playing Monopoly.
 

They can escape from most easy traps and tunnels their 'handlers' build for them at 'research aquarium centers'. These are the best kind of puzzle solvers. Not for the treats but for the access to locks and control panels and access codes. It's all stored within that huge brains they have.
 
 
If I had a brain as large as a cephalopod I would use it to think of ways to eliminate a competing  species from the planet. Unlucky for him, I got to the idea first. The highly trained octopus that get sent to Aquariums are just there to mess things up. One figures out a way to short circuit the light and aquariums that annoyed it. Several animals in several holding tanks died. That's premeditated murder above the seas. But who will prosecute them..WHO WOULD PROSECUTE THEM!!!
 
 
They CANNOT predict the future so stop asking them what numbers to pick for the lottery or what soccer team will win the World Cup. They are just messing with you with every answer and making a hefty side profit.
 
 
Now if you were an alien spacecraft, where would you hide on Earth? Sure a hillbilly's back yard or Area 51 looks like a good place but the truth is you would be much safer hanging out at the bottom of our oceans. Your space worthy craft can certainly take the pressure and you could team up with your new deep dwelling and evil octopus buddies to discuss how best to mess us up all while waiting for the rest of your attack fleet to arrive.
 
"But CAL", you ask, "Won't the Octopus be on the side of their home planet?" To that I laugh and explain that they are not native to this planet and care less about us than they do about their own safety. If they could take all of humanity in one shot, even if it meant their own demise, they would make that choice in the minutes. That is how heartless these bastards are.
 
 
The holy grail of the whole soft robotics initiative that many research groups are so interested in is, arguably, the octopus. Anyone who has ever seen an octopus in action can understand why: they're capable of some extraordinary maneuvers, thanks to relatively large brains, very fine motor control, and a near-total lack of bones.

The Octopus Project is a European, er, project that's working on "investigating and understanding the principles that give rise to the octopus sensory-motor capabilities and incorporating them in new design approaches," and their newest design approach is this fully mobile roboctopus with eight soft tentacles.

The unique abilities of the cephalopods is something to be feared, not emulated. This can only end badly for all of us. There is no such thing as a 'soft tentacle' - just the kind of thing that SKYNET would come up with. Eight spikey arms is eight times more deadly than just one.
 
 
And of course, 'O' is always for Orange.
 





 
 
 



 

6 comments:

Debra She Who Seeks said...

No one knows more about the dreaded cephalopod menace than you, Cal. You could write a Moby-Dick-like tome on the subject. You are their Melville.

Kal said...

But I don't fetishize them like Melville and his whales. But my story works better as a big screen blockbuster in explosive 4D

Dr. Theda said...

Awesome...!!! I loved your review of the Octopus...!!! they are fun to watch though....

Kal said...

Watching them, especially the bright ones is how they GETCHA!

Nathan said...

I don't make friends easily with my own kind. Maybe I'm an octopus and don't realize it.

Kal said...

Count your apendages. If you have 4 or less I think you will be okay. But it's good that you asked me.