Johah Hex (2010)

First of all I can't believe that anyone gets away with putting out a motion picture that is only 72 minutes long. 72? You would think they would bundle it with a 'Brave and the Bold' cartoon featuring the character to balance out the time. I should not be bitchin' however, it did mean less of this movie to waste my time and waste my time it did.

Now I am very easy to please especially with these summer movies. Just blow shit up and shoot at some shit or drive some shit recklessly and I can forgive most everything. However, is this case, they done messed with the wrong Hex fan.

In the comic they told the perfectly fine story about a scarred bounty hunter who like his killin' and liked his whorin' and liked his whiskey. You don't need to give me anymore than that. The addition of a supernatural element and weapons that are more suited to the 'Wild Wild West' took this story from enjoyable to ridiculous. Not that I don't mind silly but don't try to sell me something else in our adverts.

Josh Brolin is okay as Hex. He has the look, the swagger and the attitude down. The man is a good actor and good actors can rise about crappy material.

The only part I found fresh in this movie was the scene where Hex is asked what his horse's name was. He thinks on it a bit and answers, "Horse." Jonah so lacks in sentimentality that it would seem weird if he DID have a name for his horse despite that fact that he clearly cares about the animal.

Megan Fox - FAIL. When a person's character overwhelms her physical beauty I just can't support her role in anything. Plus if I see those toe thumbs again I am gonna wretch. I also found her waist in that corset to be really off-putting and distracting but not in a good way. It was almost a CGI effect I reckon. (see what I did there - its a cowboy movie).


There is a weak attempt to show that the west is changing in the face of progress and that Hex's way of doing things is going the way of the dinosaur - except that they didn't know about dinosaurs yet. Let me guess what happens. Hex proves to be more able at his job than all those new fangled techniques combined. Sigh. I don't mind balloon juice. What I hate is lazy, used a billion times balloon juice.

John Malcovich is also wasted as the main villain that Hex is pursuing. When he has to answer, "Please spare the innocents." with "There are no innocents." I could call each story beat and not be wrong. Thanks for caring enough about me, writers of 'Hex', to not hurt me with a twist or two that would have been difficult for my delicate system to handle.