My Tooth Hurts, Killer Puppets, Minotaurs, And Redheaded Harem Girls

"But sir, we are but four men on an island of monsters."
Sinbad - "Then the ship is yours."

Well let's be specific and say the place where a tooth was extracted hurts. I will probably have socket troubles. Monday I have to go and get two fillings. Grrrrr. I should have asked to see what the tooth looked like when it came out.

I bet I got less than quality dental care because of my hobo/Shrek like appearance, his hygienist's cute efficient nature and the dentist's wizard like skills. I swear he used Jedi power to remove the tooth. I only felt the calm until the gauze went in and had to be changed over and over again. I guess I am what they call a bleeder. Just another way that THE MAN categorizes you.

I am watching the Puppet Monster Massacre which I can only describe as Sesame Street on meth. This trailer will tell you everything you need to know.

5/10




Sinbad and the Minotaur - which is an old fashioned goofy sword and sandal adventure. Manu Bennet from 'SPARTACUS' is our hero and he's got the goods to fight evil both man and CGI monster.

All the other characters are the usual stereotypes you expect in the retelling of a story in the style of Greek and Arabian mythology. The Minotaur is no man bull like he should be but he has enough horns for a gruesome horn spearing or two. I like the kitchen sink of bronze age elements that the film juggles. The logic works for me.

If I was ten, this movie would have scared the hell out of me. The make-up is just gruesome enough to tighten my sphincter. The fight scenes have some zip to them with spurting blood aplenty.


It's harmless and goofy and sexy. This was done as an homage to the best kind of twaddle that they made at the beginning of the age of video. Finally I found a film to remind me of that time fondly. I kinda need that right now.


Our villain (Steven Grives) is more Lex Luthor than Prince Koura. You know his ego will be his undoing but watching some of his phenomenally poor decisions being put into practice was entertaining. Oh and being mad at the SUN will never be a battle you can win - ask Mr Burns. Why take what is freely given? Stupid Sun tyrants. They are always mad at the wrong thing. I hear you rant on and on about opening up the face of the world but I never see you leave your grubby cave.


Why tell the guy skewered by the portcullis gate that he is going to be okay but we all know he is bleeding out. Being stabbed with the heavy points of a METAL GATE is never good for one's health.

Our bad guy is mad at the sun but wears these heavy robes while trekking through the jungle. Take off the robe and you will cool down. Dress for the weather ya goober. If the sexy slave chick (Tara, played by Holly Brisley) and the thug with the filed teeth can wear next to nothing, you must be covered in swamp sweat. I admit to being able to watch a girl in a harem costume run through the forest all day long. It should be a channel all on it's own on the satellite.


Extras with torches and ragged clothing chasing our heroes through the jungle? It's like a love letter to me.

Why would you want to steal a huge golden head when there might be other LIGHTER treasure like gemstones about. There might also be a chest or a bag to carry these gems in. But to think you are getting away with a 60 ton gold head with 4 guys an a harem girl is just way too optimistic. Poor planning all around on this one.



It always amazes me how EVERYONE'S plans come to fruition at the exact same time in movies like this. Busy busy busy. The simple plot device of the teleporting cloak that can only teleport so many times is a great mechanism to keep the story alive and the saves cliffhanger-like. I did mention the harem girl, right?

Tara, played by Holly Brisley needs to get a role on the new series of Spartacus and not just because I want to see her have sex with sweaty gladiators (because I do).




The ending to this one really had to be seen to be believed.

7/10