House of Bones

Oh Syfy, where would I be without your crappy movies about homes made of bones? Where would I be if you didn't start all movies about haunted houses with some kid being forced to climb over a vine tangled iron fence to retrieve his Babe Ruth baseball before getting mangled by some evil house? THAT is just good writing, bitches. I see nothing wrong with going inside the door that the evil house has so generously opened for you. Nothing ever bad ever happens then, right?

So begins 'House of Bones' which I was THIS close to turning off before the beautifully aged Charisma Carpenter walked in front of the camera. She was always sweetness and light but now is twice as adorable - you know how more attractive a woman can be after having several children and eating a few regular meals? She is that kind of adorable. Cast with a bunch of unknowns that include ONE black guy that of course will survive all the chaos to come I sat back hoping that the parental warning at the beginning of the movie was actually valid.


How bad must a movie by to not even have a movie poster on Google or a trailer on 'You Tube'? That is a first for me. Did I mention that Charisma looked delicious? What was I saying?

Charisma plays a psychic investigator who works for a TV show that profiles haunted houses. Of course this house actually IS haunted and no one believes her until strange things start occurring and people hallucinate and then disappear. She bleeds from her mouth and nose and eyes because she is in 'tune' with the haunted souls trapped within this abode of the damned. Why does she suffer so when she can just walk out the door? Why am I the only one asking these questions?

There is a lot of split screen work where the videographer can play back footage to show the evil that the cameras have caught. The film heavily plays on that 'footage' vibe popular lately with films like 'Paranormal'. Of course none of this motivates anyone to leave the house for one second. Personally I would still be running up the street and away from the ghosties.

One very effective element is the sound of voices that can be heard coming from an old radio. After they are recorded, cleaned up and played backwards (!) they of course sound even creepier. That kind of haunted house cliche always gets to me. This movie has many such parts that clearly illustrate that these so called 'ghost investigators' have never watched a ghost movie. If they had then they wouldn't be making so many stupid mistakes.

For example - if you get a call on your cell phone from the haunted house and the creepy voice of the house asks you to leave...YOU LEAVE! If the TV suddenly comes on and shows you the future and it's a particularly bloody future...YOU LEAVE! If you see the gate skewer a cop that comes to check things out...YOU LEAVE! How many times do I need to say it?

All that being said, I really enjoyed this minor spookfest. The effects are good and the scares pop right at you. The music and the atmosphere all add to the overall chilling effect. The use of a haunted house investigation show as the backdrop to the story was effective and topical and the gore is just right to enjoy with the family, believe it or not.