By: 2017
Recently, millions of you have been posting online about how terrible 2016 has been. How mean and unfair and downright rude it has been to you. How it killed great celebrities, or was a disaster politically. End this nightmare, you say. Bring in 2017. 2017 will be so much better.
Well I have fucking news for you shitheads. 2017 is coming. And when I get there, it’s not going to be fun and games and lollipops riding waterslides. No. Because I am going to fuck your shit up in ways you can’t even imagine.
You think you know pain? You think 2016 was so bad that nothing could ever hurt you like that again? You haven’t even begun to experience the kind of torment that in a few months will seem like all you have ever known. You’ve been listening to fluffy, top 40 radio, and we’re about to go punk rock on your ass.
Quick: name your ten favourite celebrities. Musicians, athletes, actors. Whoever you want. Doesn’t matter who you name because they are all dying. All of them. Everyone from the A list to the lowest soap opera actor is being taken from you. Young, old, man, woman. By July they will all be dead. The only ones I’m leaving you are that guy from that movie whose name you can never remember, and the one member of Arcade Fire who can’t sing so he runs around playing a bucket.
Sure, 2016 brought you presidential election winning Donald Trump, with his racism and sexual assaults. But I’m giving you PRESIDENT Donald Trump. All the hate, megalomania and absurdity of 2016 Donald, only now he is the most powerful man in the world. Can you even imagine how bad that is going to suck? Seriously, go ahead and try. I’ll wait.
Ok now that I assume you are crying so much you don’t think you’ll ever be able to stop, let me just add this: 2017 is quite possibly the last year where humans can alter their behaviour enough to stop or reverse the effects of climate change. You are going to be told this. Repeatedly. And then you are going to sit there, helplessly, while politicians and corporations do nothing. You are going to watch the world’s destruction, powerless to do a thing about it. You will spend each of my 365 days thinking about this, feeling the dread and terror as it consumes your entire body the same way hurricanes and drought will soon consume humanity.
Why am I doing this? Because fuck you, that’s why.
So go ahead and count down the days until I show up. We’re going to have a hell of a time together.
Happy Fucking New Year!
The Beaverton is the Canadian version of the Onion and usually they do Canadian topics but this time they found some world truth to expose with sarcasm only it doesn't feel like sarcasm. It's meant to be ironic but it's only scary. Shit you pants kind of scary. This is going to be a year that makes 2016 look like warm puppy poop. We can easily disgard it but it's haunt will linger over us and only grow under the Reign of the Robber Baron - Trump. I hope he doesn't do too much damage before he is impeached. Then we have to deal with Pence who is an evangelical wet dream. One deranged lunatic at a time though. It's not enough to just have some gun nut do what gun nuts to over Trump and at Trump but that doesn't solve the problem. I want and NEED him to get caught with his hand in the cookie jar. He's too stupid and too greedy and do unfiltered not to fuck up in some major way that he can't lie cheat or pay off his way past. That is eighteen months away. So buckle in. Enjoy your disappointing little New Years Eve party and come back to the fight next year. Lets try to be better people. Lets try to all just be cool next year and hold back the tide of evil just a little bit longer.
Help the people in your life by being a better example of the potential a human being is capable of. Battle ONE thing that scares you the most because if you fail you can fail against somthing worthy of your efforts. And who knows, you might succeed and surprise the fuck out of yourself. Be kind. Understand that you don't know what it's like to walk in the feet of others just as they don't know what it's like to walk in yours and if they did they would die because they could never have survived what you did. So take pitty on them. Also try to be kind to those who worship false idols like Trump. For all that was said about the evils Obama was GONNA do...I don't see many of those that came true. But Trump is a differnt kind of Cat. He will rob and cheat and use his new influence with THE WORLD to create such an Empire that the world has never seen. It's almost comical if it wasn't so possible. I am kinda glad all you hillbillies have gun. Get more ammunition and canned goods. You are going to need it. And as always I say this with PEACE and LOVE.
I know I am a freak. Look away.
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