60 Second Stories By Kal - Father Yo-Yo

New follower V. Furnas reminded me that students always have a way of embellishing a story. If you have ever worked in a school you know of what I speak.

We called him Father 'Yo-Yo' because his way of connecting with kids and adults was through his skillful Yo-Yo tricks. He was a Yo-Yo prodigy who no doubt spent hours and hours perfecting his abilities. We could have just as easily nicknamed him 'Father Hobo' because he took his vow of poverty seriously and it showed in the cloths that he wore.

When you work in a Catholic school you get used to having the Father visiting at anytime. Often he would show up to staff meetings to get a feel (bad choice of words) for how the teachers were doing at keeping the faith. Some of them really push their agendas but this guy was very low key. In fact he had to be convinced to get up in front of the kids to tell them the 'good word'.

It was around Easter and the gym was full of kids. Every couple of weeks we had this big assembly on Tuesday afternoons when awards were given and various speakers would come and talk to the kids. Once we met to discuss looking out for each other because a girl had frozen to death when she was mistakenly locked out of a house party. Sometimes it could be pretty heavy stuff.

But this particular assembly was casual. First a cop came in and warned the kids about street racing and that the police would be out looking for them. I thought to myself, did he mean street racing with cars or dog sleds as this was a Northern Canadian community. Then a few gift certificate awards were given out and various clubs made announcements of upcoming events.

Finally, Father Yo-Yo came up to the mike. He was popular so he got a big applause and some kids yelled out things like, "Do 'sleep the dog'" in reference to one of his famous Yo-Yo tricks. He said he wasn't here for that.

I can't quote him verbatim but part way through his little speech he used the line, "Your teachers have taught you about the BEATITUDES (basically things like the 'golden rule' that are behaviors that a good Catholic follows) but I am here to tel you dat just listening to dem is BULLSH*T if you don't follow dem wid action."

Not a ripple went through the crowd of dozy teens but I certainly heard it or I though I did. I turned to the guy next to me and he smiled and said, "Yeh, he just said what you think."

The speech ended without any scandal or fanfare. In fact I waited at the front doors of the gym as the assembly let out to see if I could hear kids talking about what was just said. Not a word. They all missed it.

Now it's no big deal for anyone to say the word BULLSH*T. This was the Canadian North after all. Of course, because one of the 'holy rollers' had heard it, a 'special' emergency staff meeting had to be called.


The whole time I just shook my head. A big deal was made out of a little slip. The more some stupid woman talked about the damage done to the kids ("Won't someone PLEASE things of the children?" wasn't said but we all were thinking that famous line from the Simpson's in our minds) the more upset the Father was becoming. He asked if he could address the school the next day.

I spoke up and said that he really didn't need to do that. The kids missed it and if we left it all alone, then everything would be fine. No big deal.

But some idiots had to make a big deal so it was agreed that YES, Father Yo-Yo would do a special (there is that word again) address to the students the next day.

The poor guy showed up looking more dishevelled than usual in the morning. You know he had gotten no sleep. He had his notes with him to put to rest this massive sin he had done.

This time the speech was over the intercom which of course, the students would pay much more attention to, especially in the morning as some teachers had determined that during morning announcements was the best time to 'grab' the kid's attentions.

I sat cringing in my chair because I knew EXACTLY what was going to happen. (Remember when you read this that Father had a strong french accent)

"Hello, dis is Father Deuseshause and I am here to apologize for da saying of da word BULLSH*T at da talk I gave at de assembly yesterday. It was wrong for me to say da word BULLSH*T and I apologize for saying dat word...BULLSH*T.

Yes, in his first sentence he had said it THREE more times. This time NO ONE had missed it. If he thought he was popular before, now he had become a Cardinal in the kid's eyes.

Suddenly word spread through town and to the public school next door that our beloved Priest had gone on a curse filled tirade and used those seven words you can't say on TV (according to George Carlin). He was no longer Father Yo-Yo. He had graduated to Cardinal Motherf**ker. From someone who was there for both of his speeches it was fascinating to see how quickly the lie became accepted truth.

Later that year he took a new post and moved even further North to a parish on some isolated Inuit village above the Arctic Circle. I think he was relieved to go somewhere without all the notoriety. He probably felt he needed to do this to atone for his 'SIN'.

Of course he didn't but you couldn't tell that to the assholes who lived in their glass houses and who felt they had been spiritually violated. I once told one of them that if this is the worst a priest ever does to you, then you are lucky. Suddenly I was on the outs with their little cabal but I didn't care.

I liked those Yo-Yo tricks.