The Three Muskateers (2011)

I love this kind of movie insanity. It plays like Indiana Jones meets Tomb Raider. Mila Jovovich is deliciously evil as Milady DeWinter. She is worth taking the risk for but she is not to ever be trusted. I hate loving those kind of women most of all.

It's started weird, the middle was weird and it ended weird. But I was totally enchanted the whole time. You have no idea how much I want to hang out and make trouble with Mila and all the rest of these yahoos.


She is like living inside a bolt of lightning - Buckingham couldn't have held her attention for all of ten minutes. I hope he dies in an unpleasant way.

Mads Mikkelsen as Roquefort. Beautiful.


Even the Musketeers are cartoon characters as they really have developed into after all this time. Everything here is deliciously over the top. Christoph Waltz as Cardinal Richelieu. Again, beautiful.

Everything is big and flashy with swirls and flourishes.

Slow motion acrobatics and kick ass sword choreography.

Adventure, romance, loyalty, friendship and much beating up of guys in red cloaks.

There are many script/scene leftovers from the much beloved 1970s films that leak into this one.


The air ship was also a spectacular piece of tomfoolery. I appreciate high concept and full retard airship execution.

Go full retard in the execution and this one most certainly did. Orlando Bloom as the Duke of Buckingham is a frighteningly bad actor.

The king is weak and child-like but I really liked him. I understood what a pain in the ass it was for him to be a young King. If I was him I would rather hang out with the Musketeers than the Cardinal any day. It was weird to actually hope to see things turn out okay in the end for this fop.

I get the vibe that everyone involved here were on the same page and knew what they were going for. Every character is written very broadly and the acting never rises about a high school production. But that is okay because the story runs like the plot to a musketeer video game and you need to go full out if you want this to work. If even one person tries to turn it into Shakespeare then the whole ambiance is ruined. I appreciated everyone's commitment to going over the top.

It's bloodless so I can't see why they dumped it in October instead of making a blockbuster out of it in the summer. I do know that if I was ten that this would be the greatest movie I had ever seen.

8/10 (mostly because of some great fight choreography and WOW moments)