Bert is Evile - 'Nuff Said!

Notable and Quotable

From my first website - Cal's Cave of Cool (http://www.fortunecity.com/roswell/chupacabras/441/calshome5.htm) a list of my favorite quotations:

"I may be mad, I may be blind, I may be visciously unkind, but I still read what you're thinking."
-Annie Lennox

"Zephyr in the sky at night I wonder,do my tears of mourning,sink
beneath the sun"
-Madonna (Ray of Light)

"He's a good teacher..really seems to care. About WHAT I have no idea."
-ThorntonMelon/RodneyDangerfield (Back to School)

"You will be known as Usul, which is the strength at the base of the pillar."
-Stilgar (Dune)

"I couldn't fix your brakes so I made your horn louder."
-Steven Wright

"Don't try to find the answer when there is no question here, brother let your heart be wounded and give no mercy to your fear"
-Live (Run to the Water)

"Roooooll that beautiful bean footage"
-Duke (Bush's Baked Beans commercial)

"Bill Gates is a monocle and a persian cat away from being a villain in a James Bond movie"
-Dennis Miller

"Are you saying...you want a piece of me?"
-Frank Costanza/Jerry Stiller - (Seinfeld)

"As God as my witness...I thought turkeys could fly."
-Arthur Carlson/Gordon Jump - (WKRP in Cincinnati)

"From some other planet I get this funky high off a yellow sun."
-Matchbox 20

"The only good human...is a DEAD human!"
-General Urus (Planet of the Apes)

"Buddy, if that did it for me I would be the luckiest man in the world."
-Jack Nicholson (As Good As It Gets)

"You wanted to tussle? We TUSSLED!!"
-Jennifer Lopez (Out of Sight)

"I try to say good-bye and I choke, try to walk away and I stumble, though I try to hide it, its clear,my world crumbles when you are not near."
- Marcy Gray

"HEY! You stole my Jesus fish!"
-Puddy (Seinfeld)

"Is that Dad?" - Bart Simpson
"Either that or Batman has really let himself go." - Lisa Simpson

"Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm."
-Steven Wright

"Carmine said ONE boy..here there are TWO. Carmine said ONE...here are TWO!"
-John Cassevettes

"Sam, can I tell you something else? Sometimes if you want
to catch the wild monkey you got to climb the TREE!"
-Bubby

"Sir..Just drop the Chulupa! Put it down and back away!" "Sir, drop the Chulupa!"
-Tacco Bell Commercial

"Homer, he prefers the company of men!"- Marge Simpson
"Well who DOESN'T????" - Homer Simpson

"Is that a picture of Mussolini?" - Matthew Broderick
"Well it ain't Tony Bennet!" - Marlon Brando

"Trust in Allah, but tie up your camel."
-John Phillip Law - (Golden Voyage of Sinbad)

"The clock is another demon that devours our time in Eden"
-10,000 Maniacs (Our Time In Eden)

"The President is missing"- Bob Hauk
"The President of what?" - Snake Plisken (Escape From New York)

"We are not afforded the luxury of choosing the woman we fall in love with."
-General Martok on the path to Kalhya

"Hello. My name is Indiago Montoya...you killed my father...prepare to die."
Manny Pitankin (Princess Bride)

"Be careful Senorita...there are dangerous men about."
-Zorro - Antonio Banderas (Mask of Zorro)

"24 hours in a day...24 beers in a case...coincidence?"
-Steven Wright

"You are like my yo-yo, that glowed in the dark. What made it special, made it dangerous."
-Kate Bush

"The sea was ANGRY that day my friends!"
-George Costanza/Jason Alexander- (Seinfeld)

"You probably already got whats killing you."
-Adam Mireault

"Till your deepest secrets are known to me I will not be moved"
-Live - Run to the Water

"San Francisky? Did you drive and did you flew?"
-Sid Dithers/Eugene Levy - (SCTV)

"Crash and burn, all the stars explode tonight. How'd you get so desperate, how'd you stay alive?"
-Hole

"When Brian Boitano traveled through time to the year 3010, he fought the evil robot kings and saved the earth again"
-South Park Movie

"Make your peace with GOD A.J.!!!!"
-Harry Stamper/Bruce Willis - (Armageddon)

"Who are you?" - criminal scumbag
"I'm BATMAN." - Batman/Michael Keaton - (Batman)

"And the monkey flips the switch."
-Major West/Matt Leblanc (Lost in Space)

"Shucks! And I thought termites only et wood."
-Huckleberry Hound

"Do you know what you have done? You have taken one of the great woman on the face of the earth and thrown her away. I lost her too but I'll get over it because I am SHALLOW and SELF CENTERED but you WON'T because you are COMPLEX!"
-Maestro - (Money Pit)

"I'm your Huckleberry."
-Doc Holiday /Val Kilmer - (Thombstone)

"The trick is to keep breathing"
-Garbage (Shirley Manson)

"If I should lose my mind would you still call me Superman?"
-Three Doors Down

"When I was King I made you Pope" "When I was Pope I made you King" "I love you my King" "I love you my Pope" "I love you BOTH! BUT I LOVE ENGLAND MORE THAT IS WHY I AM KING OF THE POPES!!!!!!"
-SCTV

"I don't know if you have ever had someone trying to kill you but its a really weird feeling."
-Tom Petty

"I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met."
-Steven Wright

"How's it gonna be when you find out there is nothing between you and me? Cause I don't care hows it gonna be."
-Third Eye Blind

"Scott my boy." "I got a whole bag of SHUSH with your name on it"
-Dr. Evil /Mike Meyers (Austin Powers)

"Its a Puma!"
-Jamie Buckman (Helen Hunt)

DISHONORABLE MENTION - Any song with the following line in it...
"Put you hands in the air...and wave em like you just don't care."

Wasted LOL Cat of the Week #7

oooooo shiny buttons!

Educational Graphs

FINALLY..someone has come up with a Zombie chart that I can use to educate those who are woefully uninformed about the danger we all are in. Just watch the movies of Milla Jonovich. She is sooo far ahead of the curve.


This one is awesome and shows just how much space each person has in Canada. So where is my vast expanse to live and hunt on and grow my radishes? Can I get a copy of the deed before those mormon polygamists start holmsteading forcing me to chase them off with extreme prejudice. Sure the Australians have more but most of it is desert scrub land.

Is It Wrong?

Is it wrong to have a crush on an animated figure? Pathetic, yes..but wrong? NO NO NO. I love Erin on the Esurance commercials. Come on, she is practically a superhero and like a grown up Kim Possible (only I don't want to believe that Kim went to work for an insurance company after high school. That just wrecks so many of my fantasies). Women just don't wear enough cat suits these days. DON'T JUDGE ME MARGE!

World Superhero Registry

From one of my favorite sites - OCCASIONAL SUPERHERO - comes word of a World Superhero Registry that documents people who try to do good in the world while wearing their costumes. I watched a documentary a while about called SUPER AMIGOS that document Luchadors in Mexico who wrestle but also respresent important social causes like homelessness, the environment, homophobia and animal rights. They wear their luchador masks 24/7 and in their country are often seen as celebrities and often the last hope for the poor. They are not fools and seriously dedicated to their cause. Inspirational. This World Superhero Registry is in the same vien. They even have a section of the web site that discusses the legal ramafications of taking the law into ones own hands. The tv show - TELEVISION MADE ME DO IT - shocased a cop in Miami that actually made himself into a superhero and patrols the beaches helping out where he can and actually has made several citizen's arrests and made quite a reputation for himself. I LOVE that stuff. Proves that you don't have to have a fortune like Bruce Wayne and alot of high tech gadgets to make a difference in the world. On the opposite side I keep thinking of that SNL skit where the kid becomes a superhero and on his first night out gets his ass kicked severely by the first person he confronts. Just like it would probably happen in real life. But I can see how the outfit could inspire others (like in Mexico where they have a strong tradition of Luchador hero worship)or just add excitement to the hum drum of normal life. Who knows what my future holds when I stop differentiating fantasy from reality.


"I am a man who will make a difference in this world. Some may call me a hero, a super-hero, a vigilante, or a nut job. I fight for all that is right and just. I protect the innocent and punish evil. I will drive myself self into the ground to help make this world a better place. I now only live my life for justice and the betterment of mankind."
-- Dark Guardian, real superhero

PHILOSOPHY - DO NO HARM

1. Mistakes are unacceptable when one is dealing with matters of Life and Death. Getting into a battle with a villain risks not only the lives of those involved, but those of anyone within range of their weapons.
2. Non-lethal means of apprehending a villain provide an essential safety-margin, although even non-lethal techniques can sometimes result in injury or death. Sound judgment is always essential to prevent tragedy.
3. Unless a Hero chances upon a major crime in progress, careful research and planning are essential to any action to be taken. Poor research and planning could result in trying to apprehend undercover law-enforcement officers and other undesirable outcomes.

FAIRNESS

1. Although it may be tempting to pursue petty criminals due to the ease with which they can be found, in many cases it does not truly serve the cause of justice, nor is it worth the risk.
2. Apprehending prostitutes saves no lives, protects no property, and does not significantly advance the cause of justice.
3. Apprehending casual drug users is also of limited value to society.
4. When confronted by an essentially victimless crime, the appropriate response is, more often than not, a stern lecture.



Superhero of Clearwater Florida - kick ass car and look. Love Love Love that personal action figure because lets be honest...one of the best things about being a superhero is to have an action figure made in our image.

Oh Spidey...Say It Ain't So

My Cool Desk

I have never lived in a place where I can have a great huge oak desk and my own 'library' where I can display all my statues and ancient artwork like a Classics professor. You know the type of woodgrain room where I have a sarcophagus in the corner that is really a passageway to other worlds. These are the perfect addition to that desk - The Heads of Easter Island. I can almost imagine these tikiesque guys talking to me and giving me conflicting advice about everything I do. They would also be dissing each other all the time like the gay designers on Project Runway. The weird thing is I would trust their input more than most people. Of course everything in my 'library' would have to have some magical curse on them so that they could talk to me. I would also have a bitchy stuffed owl on the coat rack. I was born in the wrong time and dimension.

Watchmen - The Countdown to Midnight Begins

You have no right to call yourself a fanboy or a geektard if you aren't in permanent Cialis boner mode for this movie. I have re-read the graphic novel recently and it is as layered, rich and groundbreaking as I remember. To be able to see a live action Rorschach being his badass uncompromising self will be the hightlight of my geek life. Like seeing Heath Ledger's Joker or the first Donner SUPERMAN or Tim Burton's BATMAN, this movie will introduce a whole new group of people just pre-primed to love it like they did THE DARK KNIGHT (which criminally got snubbed from this year's Oscar awards). And now that the conflict between Fox and Warner over the rights has been settled we can all prepare for the March premiere which will be the first film I will be seeing in a theatre with an audience in about three years. Of course I will be file sharing my ass off that weekend so I can watch it again as soon as I get home. Don't judge me bitches. Hate the game not the player.


I totally love this artic outfit from Nite Owls collection of uniforms from the movie. The fur lining is to die for (channeling my gay fashionista here)! Why can't they have the designers on Project Runway do superhero outfits? This look just screams "time to wrestle a polar bear...bitches". However, these Watchmen Halloween costumes leave something to be desired especially the Nite Owl one. Those colors just don't look scary or intimidating at all. The Rorschach can't really be messed up because all you need a the trenchcoat, the mask, the scarf and the hat. Gonna be more of them next year than there were Jokers this year. And despite the fact that the Comedian is a homicidal killer/rapist he should have no trouble being to the top of the superhero (?) costume list next year.



"Watchmen" is set in an alternate 1985 America in which costumed superheroes are part of the fabric of everyday society, and the "Doomsday Clock" - which charts the USA's tension with the Soviet Union - is permanently set at five minutes to midnight. When one of his former colleagues is murdered, the washed up but no less determined masked vigilante Rorschach sets out to uncover a plot to kill and discredit all past and present superheroes. As he reconnects with his former crime-fighting legion - a ragtag group of retired superheroes, only one of whom has true powers - Rorschach glimpses a wide-ranging and disturbing conspiracy with links to their shared past and catastrophic consequences for the future. Their mission is to watch over humanity… but who is watching the Watchmen?" -bamkapow

The Hollywood Playboys Orchestra - FAIL

Okay..if playing this album got anyone a girl I would be very suprised. Because if its one things women love its being romance by a middle aged man in a tight fitting devil costume. So THAT is what I have been doing wrong. This album seems perfect for every women who ever made the wrong choice in a man. He may be the devil but at least he's not gay! I love that look on her face - "Oh hi Bob, nice pjamas." - like she can't drain that glass of wine soon enough then break the glass and use the shards to defend herself. The cape on the devil is always a nice touch and doesn't take away from his devil's bulge. I can't believe I just wrote that line. Futher proof that the intenet is my muse. Love to you all, bitches!

Guilty Pleasure Cinema - The Sword and the Sorcerer

There was a time in high school when me and my friends saw EVERY movie that came out. With two dollar Tuesdays you never missed a chance to get out of the house. This was also the time when videos where first coming on the scene and most of the movies that were made at the time were very low budget (or seemed to be). The filmakers were hoping to make their money up with video rental revenue. With the sucess of The ROAD WARRIOR it seemed like every second movie was set in a post apocalyptic nightmare. The sucess of CONAN gaurenteed that there would be no shortage of dungeon and dragon inspired movies either. One of my favorites and one we rented many times was THE SWORD AND THE SORCERER starring Lee Horsley as Talon. Horsley was the poor mans Tom Selleck and he had a tv show where he played a private detective like Tom. Although it was sold as a major film release it still had its share of cheesey monsters, cheesy dialog, and gory special effects. The villian was the great character actor Richard Lynch (the poor man's Anthony Zerbe) who seemed to show up whenever one of these types of movies needed an asshole. We all also loved that three bladed sword that Talon carried. Impractically it could fire the blades like a crossbow but then you had to retrieve them from your victim so that the sword could be reset. He also had a blade on his forearm like a single Wolverine claw for that up close and personal wetwork. I remember loving Kathleen Beller as the unbiquitous princess enslaved by passion (according to the poster)whom our grubby hero needed to save. She actually looked frail enough to need saving, especially from the giant snake that tries to molest her(lucky snake). However, the action is good and the characters engaging enough to please any teenage boy (even one my age)and I am surprised that its not been on tv very often since its release over 25 years ago. It seems tailor made for the late night spot on the Drive-In or Action channels.

Kid Notorious

I remember seeing several episodes of this series which only ran for nine episodes and tell the fictional story of movie producer Robert Evans (Chinatown, Godfather) who wrote an autobiograpy called THE KID STAYS IN THE PICTURE. He was pure Hollywood and has this way of speaking that seems to end each questions he asks with the answer "You bet your ass I did!" In the cartoon he plays himself (as super secret agent Kid Notorious) and lives at his beloved Hollywood estate called Woodland with his maid (Tollie Mae), his butler (English) and his pot smoking cat (Puss Puss). Of course his next door neighbor is SLASH of the rock band Guns and Roses and the two of them find themselves in various adventures. In real life they are actually best friends and real next door neighbors. HILARIOUS. I can never find it on You Tube or Google Video and would die to have the DVD of the nine episodes.

"Robert Evans has as many ex-wives as he does hit movies. But his talents go beyond movie producing--whether it's scaling the mountains of Nepal or toppling an evil dictator, he does it all without spilling a drop of his ever-present cosmopolitan. Everything in the Kid's life is a production." -TV.com

Just When I Thought...(Innauguration in Lego)

Last Meal

This is gonna be my last meal if I am ever on death row. Hell it may be my last meal if it give me a heart attack today. Maybe add a lobster or two but mmmmmm boy I do loves me my cheeseburgers. The best cheeseburgers ever are curling club cheesburgers. Maybe its the accumulation of a days worth of grease or maybe they just make them with love (and toasted buns). And they say the Colonel puts an addictive chemical in his chicken to make you crave it at least every twenty days. They can add whatever they want to cheeseburgers and I would still want them everyday.

Man on Wire

"If I was to die, what a beautiful death...to die in pursuit of your passion. -"Philippe Petit

What a great week for movies. I just finished watching the documentary MAN ON WIRE about the 1974 stunt by wire walker Philippe Petit who walked across a wire strung across the Twin Towers of New York EIGHT TIMES. I remember as a kid being fascinated by the towers also and I remember seeing news coverage of this event. What is it about the French that create these kind of daredevils? Even before they were built he had the dream of walking from one to another after seeing an article about them in a French newspaper. Imagine the genesis of a dream even before the target of your dream even came into existence. It seems at times like the towers were built only for Phillipe to walk across. He warmed up by wire walking between the spires of Paris' Notre Dame Cathedral and the Sydney Harbour Bridge. The documentary unfolds like the best caper films due mostly to Petit's unbridled enthusiasm for the moment and although you know how the story ends you are rivetted. You are swept into the elegance and poetry of the moment. I still smile when I think of the exhilaration of the moment when he steps on the wire. Amazing. In a world of CGI heroics its refreshing to see the actual thing. The lesson is simple: When you risk your life for art you sometimes have the chance at becoming immortal.

"A reminder that even the most quixotic of undertakings can knock over a windmill now and then." - Christopher Orr


My favorite movie poster as a kid shows the magic that the towers envoked. How strangely fitting that 9/11 created an iconic ending for the structures. Almost like anything less would have been an unworthy death for them. Not that I ever wished for them to come down with all the accompanying deaths. Strange how ones perspective alters with time.

Count Ignatieff

Is it me or does Liberal leader Michael Ignatieff look like Count Chocula? How can I ever vote for a breakfast cereal mascot? Now Boo Berry...there is a mutha with a vision!

Random Questionaire

Just a neat little survey by my friends at LEAGUE OF MELBOTIS.

1) Kate Winslet or Cate Blanchett?
2) What song are you listening to on repeat these days?
3) Matt Damon or Daniel Craig?
4) Ninja or Samurai?
5) Are we being visited by intelligent extra-terrestrials? Why or why not?
6) Would you go see a new Conan movie? And would you be more or less likely to see it if they cast the Governor of California upon his exit from office?
7) Cardinals or Steelers?
8) If Jamie were to become a rapper, what would her name be? If she were a Dungeons & Dragons character (let's say an 11th level Fighter with a -1 Armor Class)?
9) What's at your house from Netflix right now? (if no Netflix, what will you most likely rent/ watch on InDemand next?)
10) Which animal do you get a little giddy at seeing at the zoo?

1. Kate Winslet because like Leonardo she totally moved away from Titanic which she had no reason to expect to be able to and emerge as a great actress.
2. Song on Repeat - Fall Out Boy - I Don't Care - the anthem for rock star wannabees and rock stars - captures the mindset perfectly. I want to throw a tv out of a hotel window everytime I hear it.
3. Daniel Craig because he has grown into his looks and Matt has several years and at least one motorcycle accident to do that.
4. Samurai because they are noble and honorable while ninjas are sneaky and disreputable. Hidding in shadows make your sins easy to brush off.
5. If aliens are visiting us they are turning around and leaving soon after. We don't even like each other and we would mess up anything that is not of this planet if they ever made themselves known to us. And if they tasted like chicken? We would Kentucky Fry their asses so QUICK!
6. I would see the new Conan if it was played by some unknown muscle bound maniac who perfectly captured the look like Arnold did.
7. Neither Cardinals or Steelers because professional sports are a drain on the psychie of a nation.
8. Honey Glaze would be her rapper name and her dungeon and dragon name and conveniently her bond girl and porn star name.
9. The Escapist and Waltz with Bashir are the last two films I watched.
10. The polar bears always make me squeel like a little girl.

Second Greatest Childhood Toy - Six Million Dollar Man

Now of course the price tag to create a modern bionic man would be in the billions but that didn't prevent the 70s model from being any less cool or futuristic. I loved the show (and the spin-off Bionic Woman) and especially the toys. I actually wanted an Oscar Goldman figure (complete with his bald head and tweed jacket) just because he came with an exploding briefcase. Or a Masketron because it came with many different face masks and in those days I was all about the disquises. They even created a bionic SASQUATCH!!!!! WOW! Never have red tracksuits been as cool. (Sorry hip hopsters)




"We can rebuild him...we have the technology."

Felis Catus

Watched a documentary today about the origins of the domesticated cat who are by far my favorite animal. Like you would have guessed they trace their origins to the fertile crescent that includes the area around the Tigres and Eurphrates rivers and the Nile and coincidentally where man first stopped being hunter gatherers and formed cities and the first grand civilizations. A scientist named Dr Lions (I know..funny) determined through cat DNA that this was were kitties and man first hooked up. Egyptian grain farmers and cats found mutual advantage in living together and it was that civilization that elevated the animal to near god status. A nearly perfect predatory animal, cats are noble creatures who protect my soul from many things the least of which are mummies. Have I ever been attacked by a mummy? No...because I own a cat. Now like Lisa Simpson you might call this specious reasoning but I don't see it that way. Cats rule and dogs drool. The scientists noted correctly that cats choose us and we don't choose them. Long live our furry brothers.

I Am THE Fat Panda

"Kevin James illustrates how lighting and camera angles can affect our perception of an actor. In the early scenes, he's a fat schlub, but after he goes into action, the camera lowers subtly, the lighting changes, and suddenly he's a good-looking action hero, ready for business. He demonstrates what fat men have been secretly believing for a long time." - that its all about lighting and camera angles bitches!

--Roger Ebert, getting both Paul Blart: Mall Cop and fat guys right.

Fatwa Etiquette

I watched a documentary today called "THE BEAUTY QUEENS AND THE FATWA" where a reporter in Namibia who was writing on the Miss World competition in that country added a line to her report that referred to the prophet Mohammed and that he would probably had married one of the contestants if he was alive today. That got her issued a FATWA by her country's Imams much like the one give to my boy Salman Rushdie. That got me to thinking - does one receive some paperwork when one has a fatwa issued against them or is it all just verbal - because that is something I would love to be framing (especially if it has all the flourish like the one above). Are they only written in arabic or do they translate for non-arab speakers? Does it need to be noterized at a mosque? Are there degrees of fatwah or does fullfilling it automatically get you the maximum virgin payday? Do they go to the media to imform you of your impending doom or do you have to be in the mosque at the time to hear it first hand. Is it delivered and you have to sign for it like a registered letter? What IS the etiquette?

Very Cool Cakes

These are my favorite examples of Zhanna, a St. Petersburg cake maker's creations. Again another person with true artistry. The medium hardly matters. When you find your muse it cannot be denied. Remember that all you see here is edible.

http://www.englishrussia.com/?p=851