Confessions By Cal - My Life As A Broken Toy

Tomorrow I have another one of my monthly weigh-in sessions. I am really feeling good these days despite not sleeping so well this week. I have been able to exercise everyday this month and with my vastly improved diet I am hoping to be down at least 10 lbs. That will put me under 300 pounds for the first time in awhile. I would be a major accomplishment and milestone for me. I have been told that there just aren't alot of people who reach age 60 at 300 lbs so I am motivated to change. I expect at least 30 more years of complaining and ennui in front of me - in fact I am looking forward to those days.

Maybe if I was thinner then someone could notice me long enough to love me.

After the weigh-in I am off to the main floor of the hospital for a major stress test. This is the one that really worries me. I can power walk a long distance but if they make me run on the treadmill I will no doubt pass out and need medical assistance after only a few minutes. At my weight I would have shattered my knees by now if I was a runner anymore. I admire those of you who can do several miles even if you are as old as me.

I had a nightmare last night about being tossed in the Hospital pool and having to do a length while chased by one of those raping Dolphins. Let's just say I didn't reach the edge before being molested - all the while being screamed at by the Doctor for swimming too slow and eating too many tomatoes.

I am a complicated dreamer.

My blood sugar feels fully under control and my plan all along was to go about this life change in a slow and steady way - changing my lifestyle so that the positive changes become a solid part of my life as I move forward.

I still judge my sleep by the condition of my bedding when I wake up. At first the machine to treat my severe sleep apnea really allowed me to dip into the deep kind of R.E.M. cycles that makes sleep restorative and not such a struggle. I hardly moved at all - so much so that the cat doesn't get pissed and leave the room anymore. He doesn't have to wake up and move to a new spot every time I start flippin' and floppin'.

Of course ALL of this could have been avoided if I had ever founded a woman to love me. She would have early on spotted my snoring problems and got me to the sleep study decades ago. I often over ate because I was lonely. How many times would I have gone for the low calorie option if I had someone encouraging me as much as I would be encouraging her? I often think of that.

But then again when I look at this latest picture of Axl Rose I feel pretty good about myself. He certainly looks alot rougher than he did in his prime. I never had a 'prime' so anything I do can only be an improvement.