30000 League Under The Sea

No do you see what they did there? Its not '20,000 Leagues Under the Sea' but '30,000Leagues Under The Sea' so you just know its much deeper this time and much more dangerous - 10,000 Leagues more dangerous if my math in correct. Well how can't it be less dangerous when it required the superheroic skills of one Mr Lorenzo Lamas - your go-to-d-movie action star for these kinds of cheap cheese adventures from Asylum. Our story has to begin with a nuclear submarine being pulled down the Marianus Trench by some big squidly looking thing. This will not bode well for hunky Lorenzo because he will be called to rescue it with his magic little ship and his reputation for doing the impossible. Don't they realize that going anywhere that deep will mean some of the more nasty fish to deal with? Now of course the expert that the navy sent to this rescue mission would have to have personal and sexual history with hunky Lorenzo. Doesn't everyone in the Navy these days? Any chance they find a way to smooth over the conflict while fighting for their lives? Of course they are ex husband and wife. What could possible go wrong? Let start with the twitchy crewmate who is no doubt about to get some form of sub madness. One things I have ever wondered is why a sub can't have a view screen like on Enterprise. We have plasma TVs and HD cameras and surely someone could rig up a forward screen. Every sub I have ever seen just uses sonar to basically fly around blind under the ocean. How are they suppose to rescue hundreds of seamen in the lost sub when their own sub barely carries six? So our intrepid aquanauts have a crisis and pass out only to find themselves on a strange new ship. Could it possible be..THE NAUTILUS - Yes THAT Nautilus of Captain Nemo fame. OH and guess what, Nemo is a jerk and batshit crazy. Who knew? The evil mechanical squid of Nemo's is a nice touch. Now you would think that keeping some nuclear missiles just lying around the cargo bay that you locked rebel Lamas in complete with artillery gun would be a smart tactical move for a crazy genius. Apparently I was mistaken. Again. Now only if Lorenzo could contact that submarine from the PHILLIPINE Navy (oy vey) he might just save us all. I have a policy to finish watching any movie I start but this one severely tested my patience. There is some of the worst writing ever even for an Asylum direct to video crapfast. And using a length of Christmas tree lights attatched to a pair of ski goggles is a pretty high tech brainwashing device. High tech AND effective. That modern technology is really amazing these days. We all could hope to live in Nemo's dream world some day. But not today and not from anything presented in this movie. Ugh.