My Annual Halloween Open Letter Warning

I know that you worked hard on your costume and I have to admit that you did a fine job. You might even win a costume contest. However, I have to warn you not to come to my place looking for candy.

I have this condition - well it's more of a learned response - that has a way of sending me into a blind rage whenever I see a walking or dancing squid, which you are to me when you are in that costume.

I have been told by witnesses that my rages are usually accompanied by the swinging of table legs or other heavy, finished, wooden, objects. I suspect I choose finished wood for my bludgeons because they just feel so damn sturdy in my hands. Make no mistake. Like a big league batter I am swinging for the fences if I get close enough to you.

You will be able to recognize my house because it will be the one with the sign on the front door showing a squid or octopus or some member of the cephalopod family with a big red X on across it.

That means "walk away quietly". It's the only way I know to guarantee your safety. I want you to be able to enjoy your candy after Halloween and that will be impossible for you to do if you find that your are unable to CHEW.

Thank you for your time and attention to this matter. Now go make yourself a fun little ghost costume. They are the easiest costumes to make.

Love, Calvin