Do You Remember A Time When Santa WASN'T Out To Make A Quick Buck?

No you can't and the reason you can't is because that man has WHORED out his image to anyone with a jingle of change in their pockets.

Look at the beard on this guy. He's not even TRYING. If I was THAT Santa I would want to be as AUTHENTIC as possible during the holiday season especially if these are the kind of people who frequent your mall. They are all smiles in this photograph but these kind of family portraits rarely end happily.

And check out the fantastic WTF look on that babies face. "What turned 'Baby's First Christmas' into an ATF 'incident'?"

If the hat doesn't fit. Get ANOTHER frickin' hat that does.

I think all department store Santas need to grow their own facial hair. I don't care how it turns out. You either can grow a beard or you can't. Not your fault. It's genetics.

I OWE it to the world to show off my magnificent facial hair to freakish effect so YES, I COULD be a Santa if I didn't think the job would make me more homicidal that I already am.

Give the beard a year and see how you look when its all nicely trimmed up and styled. Practice that Santa Swagger. You should be a combination of Elvis (Vegas Years) and Mr. Rodgers. You shouldn't take any shit and you should scare the kids just a LITTLE bit.

Avoid the lung damage that those freakin' fake beards give ya and you will be a JOLLIER man for it. (Do you see what I did there?)

Oh and one final thought - if you can avoid making the suit look 'ratty' you will get more respect from the kids and the elves. They can smell your fear and desperation already and they don't respect you. Lookin' nice with a shine on those boots will go a long way towards positive interactions with the public.

Just COMMIT to the role and give me some Jazz baby. Why is that the most difficult present to give Calvin on this or any other Christmas?