I can't believe how down I am right now. I really can't get my ass out of bed or out of my room to do anything. Since losing my job I have been drifting but not drinking. Too bad booze makes me violently ill or I would be hammered everyday.
So tomorrow I am suppose to start this anxiety workshop that lasts two hours every Thursday morning just so I can find some tools that will help me make it to another day. However, all the people at the original orientation session were 100 years old so I can just see the kind of perspective I will be subjugated to all morning.
I want to totally bail because what the hell do I need with more knowledge about anxiety. I am an expert. I was shot in the face. I have PTSD and should have died long ago from the accumulated effects of loneliness. But yet I survive and still remain this planet's BEST candidate for deep space missions with me and the cat. But we have had this discussion many times.
I just want a friend. A friend that lives close. Maybe someone who has other friends that I can meet. Maybe people are what I need to give me hope.
And to be honest with you, when I get let down by others, I really enjoy the ennui that follows.
I just need to prove to myself that I can still fail socially.
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15 comments:
Hi Kal, Looked on Blogger for the first time in ages and saw your post. Yeah, I get it. I've found it so hard to get up and face each day. My daughters finally talked me into going to a therapist. Haven't been to one in years. I've had three visits and it is helping. Still, I know I will never be "normal" which at 64 doesn't really matter any more.
I went to an anxiety clinic once. Every time I went I had a huge asthma attack. lol So, I quit the clinic because of too much anxiety. My hubby has to take me grocery shopping now. Can't do it alone, it seems like too much. PTSD loves to hang around.
I do hope you find some friends. To me, you seem like a lot of fun and have a good sense of justice. Love, Belle
Dude I read your blog everyday. The asshole in Mexico does! I told you to get down here and you will meet some nice senoritas. They love Canadian or American men because they are different.
Hello Cal. This note from me comes from the "this is none of my business" file, stuck way in the back of the "no shit dick tracy" storage unit, down the block from "spare me" lane.
:)
ok. so.. Just curious.. do you have any family? parents? siblings? nephews?.. etc.. if so.. do you talk to them or see them ever? friends come and go.. family hangs around, I've found.
Do you go to the comic book store every Wednesday? On new comic book day? I do. Every Wednesday. Since 1978. Eventually, inevitably, I've made friends at all the different comic book stores I've gone to over the years. People who share a common interest that I can talk to about current things.. ... You get the idea, i'm sure.. You go someplace a lot, book store, diner, toy store, movies, wherever.. eventually, because of the shared interest, you meet people.. takes forever.. but it happens... even online.. you don't have to even leave your house, these days...
...... also.... um.. you do realize there are other jobs, right? lots of them.... nobody always gets everything they want.. as long as your alive, there is hope... create your own path if the paths provided by others do not appeal to you.
(wow. just passed up "I am so full of it" blvd.)
I will say, on the opposite side, that you are remarkably lucky. You have 1000's of people who, every day, listen to you. Observe your thoughts and desires... All of whom appear to like your likes. I know NOBODY personally in my world who has the audience of 1000's of people every day. You have a platform of people from all over the world .. all gathered around your blog.. your thoughts..... you have a voice that is listened to. everyday. .. I know its not everything, but its something.. and so much more than what so many others have.
I have more to say, but it ventures into "shove it up your ass" island.
here we go. ready?
Depression is a blanket. a terribly cozy familiar blanket. keeps the light away. allows you to lose yourself in it.
and it goes absolutely nowhere. whenever YOUR ready to take that blanket off, there's so very much to do out here.
Star Wars 7. The next Hobbit movie. Prime rib. The new clubhouse burger at McDonalds. Avengers 2. the new Harry potter land at Universal. The Strange Death Of Alex Raymond ( http://momentofcerebus.blogspot.ca/search/label/Strange%20Death%20Of%20Alex%20Raymond ) Comic Book conventions (you really should go to one or two a year). Star Trek 3. Sherlock, season 4. Doctor Who. Top Gear. anything Brian Michael Bendis writes. Scott Snyder's batman. @midnight on comedy central. the final season or Poirot on PBS. Making fun of the fantastic four movie. Big bang Theory. Season 3 of House of cards. Star Wars 8. Star wars 9. Did i mention the new clubhouse burger at McDonalds?......
to be honest with you.. I've reached the point in my life where all the stuff that makes me depressed can go fuck itself. I've got shit to do.
hope I just didn't ruin or friendship. i am indeed a total pompous ass. or at least thats what they tell me.
see ya in the funny pages!
your friend in time, mvp.
You can overcome. You have gotten this far...life tried to stop you. You did it before ...do it again and bounce back.
Have you tried painting your walls a different color. Moving things around. Open some figures and create a new display. Remember, whenever your alone and feel like talking to someone, just blurt a couple things out loud. The NSA is always there to listen ;)
It sounds like you have nothing to lose. I've been there. And when you have nothing to lose on the social front, you know what? YOU ARE FREE! Seriously. Be yourself. Be free with your quirkiness, your foibles and faults and all. Shove yourself out the door at any given time of day, and just go someplace, and just be. Strike up random conversations.
Just reach out. If you get rejected, like you said, there's something tantalizing even when it comes to rejection. But do you know the real reason why? Because you now know that that person isn't ready for your depth, what you have experienced, what you have to say.
Here's a secret: despite how people have been brainwashed into fearing others, everyone is effing STARVING to connect with other human beings, in this age of alienation. Everyone is DYING to have someone to be vulnerable with. We crave to let down the facades we bear every single day.
I wasn't shot in the face. I haven't been through what you've been through. But my dad treated me like a piece of shit, and so did a whole slew of women. But you know what? Now, I thank them for the strength and self-esteem and self-love and self-knowledge I now have. I am stronger than a lot of people I know, because of the fucked up shit I went through.
And so are you, my friend. You can turn all that pain into strength. I know because I've done it. And I'm no better, smarter, faster, or more human than you. I have no special extra chromosome that makes me better at turning pain into power. So you can do it to. We all can.
I think you might have fallen in love with your solitude. My friend, I have been there as well. But it's time for a break-up with that bitch. Solitude is great for a while, but the time comes when you have to move on.
Please do yourself a favorite, and try it. PLEASE. Go out and be vulnerable, and you may be pleasantly surprised at the result.
You have my respect sir. That is not earned easily. Although we may differ greatly on social and political points of view, you are still a heralded provider of goodness, awesome toy collections, cosplay of excellence and yes, well, the babes.
What would Malibu say..? She'd say to find a way to succeed, as you have.
Don't let your doom-sayer attitudes define you.
Never let 'em see you sweat.
Do I have to drive down to Red Deer and kick your ass? Don't bail on the anxiety workshop, Cal. Get out and about! It's Spring, goddammit, or at least as close to it as we're getting for the moment.
You have friends all over the world. I am in Austin, TX. I read your page everyday and it's often the highlight of my day. You bring joy to people's lives and I think you need to see that. You are a funny and smart guy and have a LOT to offer. Maybe it's time for a trip, to get away from your normal surroundings. even a short trip can help change your perspective. But you are making a difference in the world, making people's lives better. Don't lose sight of that. All the best to you, my friend!
I'm with david_b on this one. I made it through to 63, a lot of the time on fumes alone. MichealVP had thoughts that I rely on too. I'll add the next season of Justified, summer breezes and yes, Octopi. I have a wife who has gone through hell with me, so I am thankful for that. I know you can saddle up, as my neurologist keeps telling me. You spread the stuff like no one else. Listen to your fans, they've been through shit too. Besides, I would not look forward to Debra waking me up at 3 o'clock in the morning and smacking the crap out of me.
If I were in Red Deer, I assure you we would be two of those old men who NEVER leave the Donut Mill, brother.
Hang in there.
Thanks much DrGoat, I do believe we're of the same ilk.
Cal, I'd choose respect over being liked by my fellow man any.. day.. of.. the.. week.
Besides, I thought anxiety wasn't a problem in Canada with all the great dope you all have up there..?
Likewise david_b. Life can be a great journey, good times and bad. Just being conscious is a gift. The old adage of stopping to smell the roses (or tulips) is very important. And indeed respect is a huge thing. You got mine Cal. I'm sure you're fans think so too. At least be thankful you don't live in Tucson where it's already 90 bloody degrees.
I wish I could just drive a couple of miles to visit with you. Go out for a burger and a beer talk toys,comics,movies and other obscura... You are a good person and someone I consider a friend.
Thanks for everything you wrote my brothers and sisters. I meant a lot to me. I know you all were sincerely giving me advice from the heart and a cherish all of it. I am sure I will get out of this. I will move some toys around and vacuum the basement and watch half of season of MY KITCHEN RULES and try again. I just wish for once I could have it all but when I see what others have written I realize I have A LOT of love out there.
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