The Bachelor

THIRTY desperate and mentally deranged females compete for the love of Farmer Chris. Oh let the freak show begin. The woman are all beautiful except the one that looks like a man. I think she is the wrestler.

Many of these girls have a 'vocal fry' that is tuned to a frequency that makes my ears feel like they want to bleed. I would eliminate a contestant by her voice ALONE. A voice that sounds like music is a voice you can live with...FOR LIFE. One girl needs to get slapped just for opening her mouth. She could be the most interesting person in the world but I can't get past that voice!

Groups of women are their own beast. They cheer at everything and laugh at inappropriate times. It's all such an act. A stupidly manufactured act. I can't wait for this joy to be turned into sadness because in the end, THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE. Their suffering is the only reason I watch. I refuse to get caught up in the romance. Hell give ME the trappings and I could convince 30 women to cut each other's throats for my love.

Each one of their introductions are rehearsed and phony but I always have a favorite. Guess what, it's not the girl who was the prettiest or the most drunk. Go figure. The NORMAL girl was the winner with me. I will not give her name yet. She could very well go crazy before this hour is over and I would hate to hitch my star to a train wreck.

I have to watch this show is chunks because there are times when I can't stop the video fast enough. The cringe factor is through the roof. I need to watch this with another person so I can release the snark that builds up inside me with every second of this balloon juice.

And then this girl shows up with the biohazard cooler. Oh NELLY would that have made a good zombie movie. Bachelor Zombie Party. I just wrote that. Somebody call copyright and then get my publisher on the phone. No, but really, WTF is with the cooler with the hazmat stickers all over it? How did that get past security?

One girl didn't wear an evening gown but still went with her daisy dukes and cowboy boots. Just a downhome cowgirl. I felt like she just came from her job as a waitress at Cowboy's Bar and Grill. Of course the other catty bitches judged her fashion choice. Then she abandoned all her principles and changed into an evening gown. Then she jumped in the limo and met him again. PSYCHO. But that girl is MY kind of crazy. Get some booze into her and she will be crying all over the place. She might even slug a bitch. That's worth my time to wait and see.

It's a cattle call. They all laugh at everything he says and then the alpha she-wolves start their little games of intimidation. You gotta get that mix right because you want to create tension and drama. Then one girl started talking about ONIONS and how she is an ONION. Then she started ripping the fruit off the trees while more girls get shitfaced and show how entitled they be. I swear I never met a bigger bunch of pretty whiners in all my life. It's like they are used to getting what they want just because they want it.

All of these stupid twits have to realize that there was 30 women in this 'competition'. After the first 15 entered, they sorta bonded AGAINST the last group of fifteen. The dynamic totally changed and the catty bitches came out. Each one of them is so insecure about themselves, no matter how beautiful they are. Stop it Calvin! Don't you start feeling SORRY for any of these bad actresses because in the end...