Sunday, April 17, 2011

A-Z Blogging Challenge - The Letter O - Octopus

An open letter to all you collaborators out there:

Of course there is only one topic I could use for letter 'O' and that is the word OCTOPUS. Spend five seconds in the 'Cave of Cool' and you will learn how we feel about these tentacled Cephalopods.

I have always hated and feared them. Even the fake ones in badly made horror films caused me to fill my diaper as a kid. I never liked to swim in rivers, lakes or oceans because I tend to FREAK OUT when anything brushes against my leg. Most things that live in those kind of waters have no respect for a human and his personal space.

At least at the indoor pool I can look before I dive. No ominous shadows gliding through the chlorine? Good. In I go.

When I was about 7 I went to an aquarium on a school trip. As I walked past the octopus tank one of these assholes of the sea launched himself at me so hard that I could hear the sound it made as he hit the glass wall of the tank. I jumped ten feet to the side and have never been the same since.

As I got older I studied these creatures because I hoped that by learning more about them that my fear would subside. WRONG. The more I learn about these bulbheaded freaks the more I want to kill every single one of them on this planet for the good of the human race.

First of all, they have no bones except for a hard beak with which to crush your skull with. Their tentacles can reach out, attach to you with their powerful suckers and drag you down to the dark murky depths of the ocean where they can kill you at THEIR leisure.

They can live at depths that humans (even those in sophisticated bathyspheres) cannot go. What are they really up to that far down in the ocean? I guarantee it's nothing that benefits us on land. Hate is all they know. Killing us is all they care about.

They can slide through holes and openings not much bigger than a quarter or stuff themselves into small jars. Rats can do that on land and I don't much care for rat's either.

Octopus can camouflage themselves to look like their surroundings so you never know when one might suddenly spring forth to GETCHA without any warning.

And of course they can spray an inky cloud to confuse their enemies and make a quick escape. I have had them do this to me many times because they are gutless and don't want to face a creature (me) with a murderous instinct equal or greater than their own.

Very few creatures have such a wide array of attack and defence adaptations. These traits would only be necessary if they daily found themselves in a constant life and death struggle with the creatures that live around them. What do I conclude from this? I conclude that even other sea life hate them.

They are hated because at their very core octopus are evil. They are not the cute cartoon characters that join your beach party, wear sombreros and can play eight musical instruments at one time. They gossip and are bad house guests. They borrow your car and always bring it back to you with the gas tank empty. They are a menace.

I am sure that they are in contact with a myriad of alien species who park their spaceships on the bottom of the ocean where the octopus and squids live. They are planning and scheming with these extraterrestrials against humans as we speak.

For this reason, it has been the mission statement of 'Cave of Cool Inc.' to eradicate each and ever one of these tentacled bastards from the planet - even if I have to personally drain each and every sea to do it.

Long have the Japanese known that the only GOOD octopus is an EATEN octopus. They love them raw or cooked or made into chips or other treats. I have respect for their lack of respect for the cephalopods.

So for all of you who mistakenly love these freaks, I hope that you never know how close to danger that you are every time you take your kids to the beach.

My friend Belle has a different take on these things which you can read by following the link below. Every point she lists about how great the octopus is, I have a counter argument to.

So be careful. Educate yourself about the danger they pose. Stay safe and keep coming back to the 'Cave of Cool' so I can remind you daily of all the ways that the cephalopods can GETCHA.


sue said...

I was going to assure you that you've got it all wrong, then remembered the time we had one attached to the anchor, and as we pulled the anchor up it got kind of annoyed...I'm assured they have excellent memories and are very gentle, if a little misunderstood. Not very convincing hey? Sue@JumpingAground (Alliteration & drabbles)
Sue@traverselife(Workplace bullying)

Debra She Who Seeks said...

Belle made a good point about Paul the prognosticating octopus. There's a statue to him now and everything. But apart from that, you are wise to live in land-locked Alberta, far from the ocean. I'm sure you're on the Cephalopod Hit List too.

Kal said...

Only A hit list Debra? I would expect them to sing whole operas about me. I should be the pinata their kids wack apart at parties. I want to be the stuff of their nightmares - freakin' bulbheads.

This time I am not joining my mother on her trip to Australia. Once I made that decision I sighed because it meant no long long long planeride but also I could avoid those venomous tiny octopus that live is the rocks just off the beach. I got lucky twice. No way they don't target me a third time.

Kal said...

And Sue, stop reading their literature that they send door to door. They are a menace. He rode that anchor all the way to the top in hopes of taking over your boat and sailing to the Bahamas while you floated down to the bottom of the sea. Count yoursef lucky you got a stupid one.

TS Hendrik said...

You know I support the cause. Brothers in arms against the cephalopod menace.

Kal said...

I know I should say this more often TS but I appreciate all your support. Right from the beginning you have been one of my strongest allies in the struggle against these stinkin' bulbheads. Your membership on the board of 'Cave of Cool Inc' is secure. I know I couldn't do what I need to do without you. Someone needs to worry about the little things and you do that better than anyone. As the 'big idea' guy I couldn't succeed if I didn't have you to sweat the day to day minutia.

V. Furnas said...

The last picture looks terrifying. It is sucking the last bit of life from her and they are posing. Pretty sure it was taken by a passing by cephalopod....the cruelty....