That is your Old Testament God I am talking about. That guy wasn't fuckin' around with you hillbillies....or desertbillies.
Damn Kieth David, did you HAVE to narrate this balloon juice? I know your voice is extra honey sweet but you are better than this, right?
Alot of people did a lot of violence in the name of God. You are not selling me on being a believer. It seems alot of war and a lot of people being hit by rocks in the head for anyone who joins the club.
"Lot, my nephew, come with me." Who talks like that? Do I say "Michell, my barber, trim my beard my barber? No, because I am not a retard.
Does everyone need to be so grubby? I assume they had water and washcloths? I can understand the hair looking the way it does because you have no mirrors but do you think, that if you see a dirt spot on your wife that you would clean it up a little. I mean, come on, there are people over to the tent.
Why does every so called 'prophet' that heard the world of God seem like such a nut to me. Abraham looks like every other maniac who set up a commune in the desert or on a tropical island or at least his women do. Sarah is a nut and as it turns out to be a crazy, jealous nut.
Seems to be a war or head splitting every ten minutes or so. That should keep the Holy Rollers entertained. I especially like the 'squooshing' sound the swords make as they enter the enemies. Rod and Todd would have nightmares for a whole year.
Lot's wife is kind of a pill. No wonder she got turned into a pillar of salt, which to a nomadic desert people would be useful in preserving their goat meat. Goat meat jerky is the chewiest for a reason.
Well I guess if Abraham HAS to have sex with Hagar the servant girl, then it doesn't hurt that she's also a hot piece of ass. God lord. He got to have it both ways. Then he turned away from her so that Hagar could feel like a slave and a whore. NICE. This is your prophet? He looks and acts like George Constanza.
Oh and I am not 20 minutes into this spectacle.
Many people in this movie have severe mental disorders. They seem to hear voices...many, many voices.
Sodom of course looks like a hell of fun time. Fire breathers, whores, thieves then Poopy Pants Yaweh just had to bust up a good party.
Warrior angels make people's eyes bleed? Okay, TWO years of nightmares.
Crouching Tiger Hidden Angel?
Can I get a body count on how many these two angels killed in Sodom? Is this Spartacus all of a sudden?
So let me understand this- Sarah is petty and jealous so Abraham throws his son Ishmael and his slave/whore Hagar to exile in the desert with a few tortillas in their bag? That is some cold blooded bullshit right there.
Why does every dust storm or raining of frogs have to be a message from God? I just think alot of these people were dehydrated and having hallucinations. That sun in the Middle East can scorch you right good. Everyone should be wearing a hat if they don't want their brains to cook. And would it hurt to show SOMEONE having a sip of water?
That sacrificing of Isaac scene is also pretty horrific. THREE years of nightmares.
Egyptians tossing babies off cliffs to drown in the water? Those years of Bible nightmares are increasing exponentially.
It's good that they used only no-name actors. I don't think I could have handled seeing an known performer with a bad beard spouting this nonsense. It is very entertaining though in a stupid television kind of way. There were points I actually watched with my mouth opened.
For an Exodus, it looks like ten Israelites escaped. The effect budget was all used to show the Ark at the beginning and the parting of the Red Sea. You gotta go with your biggest effects if you want to put on a good show.
This is one is pure camp and if you look at it like a comedy version of the Bible stories we all got crammed down our throats all those Sundays at church - you can see how the comedy gods have rewarded you. This Bible mini-series is a violent, depraved piece of insanity.
I am amazed that Roma Downey (Touched By An Angel - my most hated show on TV ever) and Mark Burnett (the producer of Survivor, one of may all time favorite shows) teamed up their husband and wife talents to get this trash on TV. Who is the audience for this bloodletting. Certainly not true believers and certainly not me. If I was a devote person I would find the whole thing pretty horrific.
But I am glad I watched for the comedy potential alone. It was a sweet ride and there are only ten hours. I will watch next week and laugh some more.
Thank You. When do we get to Jeebus? I can't wait for the whole Jeebus story to start. That one will be a hoot and a half. That hole in the hand thing he does at the end of this trailer? SPECTACULAR. That would convince me. Show up and do that trick and I will follow and believe.
UPCOMING - Samson using the jawbone of an ass to go old testament on some muthas in the hood.
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14 comments:
Will Jebus be white skinned or brown skinned in this one?
oh, apparently they went with the 'white' Jebus.
Old Testament God will sure put so smite down on your ass. Grumpy God in the old books. I have this on my list but might wait till I can watch more than one.
In other words, Sorry God I'm watching Justified tonight.
Justified is more believable than this mess. It's good comedy. Watch it if you want to laugh. I am convinced it's a spoof.
I tried to watch it but just couldn't make it through. Did watch Vikings. Much better. And yes, it's Justified tonight. Have to be a lot scarier than God to make me miss that.
Oh, gag. I wouldn't watch it even for the comedy value.
Everybody being grubby probably makes it more realistic than most period pieces. Then again, the Jews of that time did practice ritual bathing, didn't they?
In that last picture of Jeebus, that hole in the hand just looks inferior to me. It would not convince me. Also, the Jeebus shown is smiling graciously, and has gotten a nice wash and wave at the local salon. We have to accept that the real Jeebus was probably short and swarthy, with kinky hair.
(He had some good ideas, though.)
I don't remember all that much bathing going on in the Old Testament or the New Testament to be honest. They don't seem the type.
Jeebus had some nice ideas but none as so miraculous like the ones me and my stoned buddies had in University. We had longer hair too. And I saw Chris Angel do that hole in the hand trick twice. OMG. They tried to fool me again. You are a trickster you are, Jeebus.
Plus, Mararet, they would have never went with an ethnical accurate Jeebus. They gave us a black Samson so that is suppose to make us happy. The image of the white Jeebus is the look the holy roller agree upon and it would be too controversial to change it how. Though that would have been great. The evangelicals would all see their head's explode.
I think Vikings is very good too Dr. G. I like that they actually built a boat and got it to float instead of trying to CGI everything. It looks like a cool set to be on.
I've seen it suggested that Samson might have actually been of Greek ancestry.
Yes, those dirty Greeks from across the sea.
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