Let's See How Long I Can Watch This Artemis Fowl

Artemis Fowl is the first book in the Artemis Fowl series. It follows the adventures of Artemis Fowl, a 12 year-old criminal mastermind, as he kidnaps a fairy for a large ransom of gold with the help of his bodyguard, Domovoi Butler, and his sister, Juliet Butler, to restore the Fowl family fortune. After multiple attempts by the Lower Elements Police (LEP) fairy police, including sending a criminal dwarf called Mulch Diggums, it concludes with Artemis finally releasing Holly Short, the elf fairy, whom he kidnapped, and having his mother cured of madness (in exchange for half of the gold that he had stolen from the fairies).

I have heard good things about the books but never read them. I understand though that the kid was really evil and poisons a Fairy Queen, something The Mouse would never allow. But I gave it a try. Directed by Kenneth Branagh? I could watch that.

12% of Rotten Tomatoes? Yikes! Not good for the first major feature during the Pandemic. The Mouse must be pooping his little pantaloons. Wow. In the time it's taken me to watch an hour of this picture it's rating has gone down two point.

Mulch Diggums? That's a horrible name for a giant dwarf.

Steampunk spaceships in Fairytown? Sure, why not? The production design here is pretty slick. But for a very short scene, we spend next to no time in that world. A real missed opportunity.

That Disney sense of wonder even though many of the actors seem way, way too earnest. Holy Short is as spunky as her name but the actress is right off the young actress British accent factory. She is very cute though in her green with her pointed ears. But girls with British accents is so played out. And with the Irish themes I would have preferred more Irish accents.

Dame Judy is just reading her lines like Frank Langela as Skeletor in Masters of the Universe. She is very very game. Like she said, 'what the fuck'. I will say that. I will sit there. I will do that stunt. Again. They are trying very hard for that Harry Potter vibe here. She has one note and reads each line like she did her parts in an afternoon. Then she does scenes like the old Judy we know and love. It's weird.

I don't care what anyone says. I think Centaurs are weird and creepy. They wear shirts and jackets but no pants to hide their horse junk. It's just perverse. He whinnies when he trots in front of the screen. At least the guy who did this art understood that. Why doesn't a centaur need pant pockets?

How did the fairies get such advanced tech? But they launch Holly to our World in a tin can like some Soviet dog?

And all the green uniforms. A little bit of overkill on the Ireland theme for me.

Unconvincing trolls and time freeze capsules. If the capsules freezes time then how is the record player still playing the record?

They have magic and tech. Those two rarely have been worked together well. The CGI is impressive at times but it is almost too good and thus looks SO CGI to make it more distracting than awe inspiring if that makes any sense.

This is only 94 minutes long. Feels like we could use a little more context and backstory here. There are so many ideas and characters here that should be fleshed out to make me care about them which I don't, essentially.  And I should, right? Dead characters should move me. Not here.

So the giant dwarf guy eats dirt and poops out dirt.

Again, when they find this powerful treasure it's like, 'so what?' to the audience. I should feel like that moment when Indy found the location of the Lost Ark. There is much to like here but the movie is not up to the complexity of the characters and worlds they are trying to create.

It's really not as horrible as the critics or audiences have said. I know many tweens will like this but I suspect those who know the books will not be very happy by this primer of the whole Artemis Fowl universe.