Ian's Daily Dose: Monday Minute

1 - How much would you have to be paid to eat a human cadaver's finger?

I have actually seen a cadaver close up when I 'held the book' for my buddies in dental school. Not something I ever care to see again. There is no color that is the grey color of a cadaver.

2 - Describe the worst physical fight you've ever been in.

I have been in two fights my entire life. Being a big guy I can avoid most situations that would have lead to punches.

The first time was in Jr High School. I got hit in the head with a ice ball and I ran for the guy that threw it. A teacher got in between us and said that if we wanted to fight then I had to wait for the other guy to take off his glasses. I took that as my opportunity to sucker punch him. Glasses broke, nose bled and I was dragged off kicking and screaming about the 'unfairness of the whole situation'. They tried to bring us together so that I could apologize but I lunged for him again like 'some kind of mental patient' (Principal's EXACT words)

The second time was when I lived in Yellowknife, the capital of the North West Territories. They have a bar there called the 'Gold Range'. It's the roughest place I have ever been in. Metal screen to protect the band (like in 'The Blues Brothers') and unbroken furniture piled up on the walls to replace anything that might be damaged in a scuffle. I once saw a police car get filled with pee because it parked there with it's window open. The police usually don't show up unless there are gunshots.

The night was the Thursday after parent-teacher interviews and a bunch of us went there for some drinks. We sat at a long table. At the other end of the table were a bunch of guys collecting money for a charity (Rick Hansen's Man-in-Motion World Tour - he is a paraplegic Canadian who wheeled around the world) and then spent that money on drinks for themselves. When everyone else figured out what was going on the ENTIRE long table was surrounded and the fight was on. It was as much like an old western saloon fight that I had ever seen. I grabbed one guy, he grabbed me and we both realized we really didn't want to punch each other - so we danced. Like Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers we danced. And the next day the 'legend' of my fighting skills began to be spread as I was the ONLY one in front of the Superintendent WITHOUT a mark on me. I did little to dispel the rumors that I was a badass.

3 - Name one song that if you never heard it ever again, you'd be thrilled.

I am getting pretty sick of this whole 'Lady Ga Ga' nonsense. When is someone going to stand up and admit that we all have been 'punked'. It is all so tiresome. Been there - seen that.

4 - Describe the "drunkest" situation you've ever been.

That is easy. Steve Earl concert. Forth year of University. In the same hall that was holding a 'wine and food' show. Stole a bottle of $500 Napoleon Brandy off one of the display tables, smuggled it into the concert and made LOTS of new friends. To this day I deny that I tried to drive a city bus - I didn't even HAVE a bus license.

5 - What's your biggest regret?

Asking Denise to marry me. That changed the course of my life when she first said yes then changed her mind three days later. May she rot in hell. Some may say I got off lucky but that moment crushed me like garlic through a press.