This is message to 'SYFY' and 'The Asylum'. I am just about to watch the movie 'Mega Piranha' and going into it, it seems to have all the elements of a great cheezy 'mega animals go berserk experience'. I mean just look at the trailer.
First of all you have MEGA PIRANHA, always a great choice for a creature feature. And as you can see those are some big ass piranha. I love the way the filmmakers went 'full retard' and actually delivered on their promise.
Next you have 80s pop icon TIFFANY (?) starring in it (I always just loved her because, of course, she thought that we were alone now).
What kind of pipeline does SYFY have to pop princesses of the past anyways? Debbie Gibson was in last year's 'Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus'. Is it only a matter of time before Samantha Fox shows up be chased by mega foxes?
Is that Barry Williams (Greg Brady) I see also? Beautiful.
Then you have such awesome lines like - "I figured it out. I wasn't an explosion or terrorists - it was GIANT PIRANHA!" (cue scream here) and "These organisms are on a very simple program. They eat, they grow and they multiply and they will NEVER EVER STOP!"
Hunky Paul Logan fills the shoes of every action star before him that had to kick at deadly fish to protect himself. I like his swagger.
If you FUCKED this one up SyFy we will officially break up. I will never come back to you again. I don't ask for an Oscar worthy film but I want it to live up the cool trailer and cool casting and cool premise. If you put less than you very best effort into this one (with all your budget restrictions understood) I will never ever watch another one of your monster movies ever again. You have burned me before and I need you to deliver on this one. This is your Waterloo. Now lets start the movie.
The movie starts on a blistering quick pace and wastes no time killing off a young Venezuelan couple who go swimming in piranha infested waters.
The next victims are the American Ambassador, the Venezuelan Foreign Minister and a group of party girls off on a river boat excursion on the Orinoco River. Soon hunky special forces guy is joining genetic researcher girl and her team to figure out why the fish are doubling in size every 36 hours. Ah the exponential growth of creatures that defy all science to the contrary. See now THIS is how you make me a monster movie.
I dig how many times that everyone uses the word 'immediately'. It's like if they don't do something within the next sixty seconds that the fish will grow as big as the planet and eat the moon.
There is no room for waiting with this story. I thought all those WOOSHING quick cuts would get on my nerves but it's a good way to visually get us to where we need to be. After all, we got the world to save here. SO MOVE IT MARINE!
From here on the movie progresses in the time honored plot tradition of deadly fish films.
There is genetic research girl telling hunky special forces guy that it was HER research that created the problem in the first place - So now she needs him to help her clean up her mess - CHECK ONE
Oh there is the government official who refuses to believe what genetics research girl is telling him and will not close the river to water traffic...yet. Genetic research girl accuses government official of being "a close minded, paranoid, son of a bitch" - CHECK TWO
Here comes hunky special forces guy escaping from Venezuelan military base to check out the site of the boat wreck for HIMSELF. He gets into the water with his scuba gear and fights off a piranha attack with a knife both under the water and on land (because mega piranha can fly short distances). Could happen - CHECK THREE.
How exactly does a person get EXACT longitude and latitude co-ordinates on a school of fish? Don't fish generally move around ALL THE TIME. Logic goes out the window - CHECK FOUR
Hermaphrodite Piranha? The mind boggles
Was BP in charge of the plan to kill off the mega piranha? Because what the scientist guys in this movie came up with initially is really stupid. Good thing Venezuelan government official has an even better plan.
Hey, it seemed to have worked. Everything is better right? No way that your strategy only made the problem WORSE? Go ahead and celebrate.
Excuse me? The deadly fish are still alive? Color me surprised.
Good thing the Venezuelan army sent out a full patrol to try to capture our escaped renegade heroes. I can hear the conversation off screen - "How many men should we sent out into the jungle to find these Americans, Colonel?" "Oh, about three should do the job." THREE GUYS???? And only two have rifles and one has a pistol. I guess he is the one in charge then.
The bigger the fish get the more explosive they become? Every time one of them flies out of the river and hits a building in town the building EXPLODES. Oh sweet SyFy, you do care.
Quick quick, run away from those army guys chasing you with weapons. All THREE of them. No No No, don't think of actually using your weapons, army guy, to prevent the escape of hunky special forces guy, genetic research girl and cannon fodder research assistant. Is this a three stooges short?
Should I believe what American Secretary of Defence guy says when he tells hunky special forces guy that he better do something quickly before the whole crisis (and soured relations between America and Venezuela) starts WORLD WAR THREE????. Venezuela is the one we should have been worrying about all along? Um...script girl? Can I see that for a second. I want to pencil in some changes. GAH!
Nice, the fish have grown to Killer Whale size and are are jumping out of the water like a school of dolphins as they make their way to the mouth of the river. MOVE IT MARINE! Stop driving that car like an old lady.
I think that showing hunky special forces guy going into reverse before he actually move the shift stick to the 'R' position means someone was sniffing glue in the editing room again.
Is every Captain of an American destroyer twenty years old because the guy in charge of that big boat looks kinda young, like high school young. Somebody cast his rent boy again.
Does sucking a battery give you an extra ten percent charge for your cell phone? If Tiffany said it, it must be true.
Damn Tiffy, just because the fish ate a DESTROYER (?????) is no reason to think there is nothing you can do to stop them. You are suppose to be a genius, girl.
Okay this is getting crazy now. We have a helicopter fight over the ocean while a school of whale sized piranha fly all around them. How is this not the greatest movie ever????
Oh gee. A stray bullet hit the fuel tank and our heroes are bleeding fuel. Bad luck. That almost NEVER happens in movies. Nice thinking outside the box, writer guy.
One more science question here. How are the giant piranha able to find enough food to sustain and increase their growth? There is nothing big enough near them to allow that to happen. There would have to be thousands of fat people floating on inner tubes in the middle of the ocean for the creatures to have enough to eat. Another leap in logic I guess. Shutting up now.
YAAAAA - nuclear submarine. FINALLY someone has a good idea. This will work. This will totally work.
I knew it. It only made the fish madder. Classic. Good thing the navy seals are here with their mega fish fighting super guns. NOW we get some RESULTS.
Can someone explain to me how killing ONE mega fish saves the world when they show hundreds of them in the water?
Awwwww hunky special forces guy kisses genetic research girl at sunset - CHECK FIVE (with tears)
OK Syfy. You gave me what I expect you would. Maybe just a grade above C but you will still graduate with all your friends. I would have liked a better script and tighter effects but you get what you pay for. Roland Emmerich needs to put his skills to such a topic. The big Hollywood treatment is what we need for the true mega mutated creature movie to be made.
A man can dream.
Cal's Canadian Cave of Coolness
I forever stand vigilant to protect this planet from the myriad of forces that are always against us. Be it the octopus, zombies, aliens or the robots my team of human agents, and our feline allies, circle the globe in a never ending struggle for human freedom.
I learn all I can on every subject that interests me. I especially enjoy ancient history because in the past there are valuable lessons to be found. Also, if I ever get my time machine to work properly, it would be good to know a bit about possible destinations and what to expect when I get there.
I greatly appreciate beautiful design. Be it manufactured or found naturally I am fascinated by the process of invention. I am attracted to the unique, the strange, the haunted. I like to share what I find on this blog.
And not let us forget the 'Cephalopod Menace' who, if allowed to, would wrap their tentacles around all that is good and pure in this life and crush it until it remained no more. They are creatures of pure spite. Hate is all they know. Death is all they do. They are our most ruthless and determined enemy.
So we fight. Selena has the celebrity contacts, the cat is ruthless and without pity, Roosevelt's ghost has the experience and I do the wetwork.
Fighting for the future of the planet doesn't have to be a chore, however. We can take the time to appreciate all that is cool in this world even as we cut the octopus into bite sized chunks.
This is the reason there has always been and must forever be, a Cave of Cool. Be sure to wipe your feet before you enter.