Jupiter Ascending

Oh I get it. We have to have Mila Kunis clean toilets at the start of Jupiter Ascending just so we can watch her go from the lowest job to royalty. Subtle.

Eddie Redmayne, the evil real estate mogul is only good at creeping me out. I don't mind a villain but why such a distasteful one to watch on screen. I hate everything about him from his voice to that oily smirk on his face. I only want to slap him. His hammy overacting is criminal. Yet this numnut won the best actor this year for playing Stephen Hawkings. No accounting for talent I guess.

In fact all the characters are stupid and hard to like. Mila is cute but that only goes so far. I never for once believe that she is in danger of harm from any laser weapon or explosion. The film should have been called 'Jupiter Without A Scratch'.

I did admire much of the tech here. The flight boots and other weaponry was right out of Buck Rogers. Hopefully there is enough of that to keep me interested in a DUNE sort of way - which is one of many films that this one liberally steals scenes from.

It's a beautiful looking piece of space opera with big vistas but such smaller ideas. I wanted more than good princess, bad prince fight in space for the fate of all Earth. That should have been enough for any film but for one that shoots so high, it remains annoyingly grounded when it should be soaring.

 

Channing Tatum is Channing Tatum and that is neither good nor bad, just bland. He skates around on his hover boot like some surfing wolf boy. How can a young princess resist him.

So much wire work and too many last second saves and escapes. Nothing feels dangerous and deadly to any character I choose to care about. Those I am primed to hate are just waiting to die. That is the kind of predictability that ruins a movie like this and makes it the worst thing that you can say about an action adventure space romance - that it's boring.

 

 

The action sequences go on way to long and sacrifice clarity for frenetic chase scenes over the big city. This is also something that no human agencies seem to notice or even comment on. Tough to ignore all the billions in collateral damage to Chicago but there you have it. I thought the explanation for that was especially lame. Anything they really can't explain is all chocked up to future tech we lowly humans can't understand or were meant to understand. Don't think too much and just move along. They even explain how the alien got to 'own' Earth, make crop circles, and how they got rid of the dinosaurs. Yup, they even go THERE. I was half waiting for a lecture about Noah and the pyramid buildings being alien improvement projects.

 

As all the various coincidences start to overwhelm the story things really start to fall apart or get great, depending how you look at goofy films like this. You buy all the balloon juice or you don't. I wish I could convince you to go see this film but I don't want the blame for leading you to a dud that was held on the shelf for more than a year.

 

Oh look, the bees like Jupiter. That means she is good because the bees just don't like just anyone and they certainly don't hate bad people.

 

 

Oh look again, Sean Bean. Start the clock to see how long he lives this time. I give him one chance in three to see the end of the film. But first let him explain all we need our space princess to know. Remarkably she accepts everything he tells her without calling him on his bullshit even ONCE. Again, pretty convenient. Sure, she has seen some freaking shit in the past 24 hours but his a little too accepting of her situation. She also gets married to another evil relative pretty damn quick. Not so smart afterall...unless there is a last minute save before she can put her thumb print on the ipad.

 

Ah, 'Time is the most precious commodity in the Universe' says the immortal princess. Haven't I heard the same thing about the SPICE of ARRAKIS?

 

 

Even the space battles are too rushed to fully enjoy. For a futuristic planet it certainly has a ratty infrastructure. I really want to like this one more than I did because in the end I was just happy it was over...and that Sean Bean was alive. Thanks the gods for little things.