Sunday, November 12, 2017

I Have Warned You For DECADES That This Was Going To Happen

A 28 years old San Diego Zoo employee is lucky to be alive as he has been hospitalized and is lying in critical condition after allegedly trying to have  sex with a Giant Pacific Octopus.

The 28-year-old employee was found partially naked and unconscious when security agents discovered the young man and alerted an ambulance.

It took medical personnel several hours to successfully release the octopus that had latched itself to the man’s genital area.

“We did the best we could but the octopus’s beak has tremendous pressure and the animal had started to digest part of the man’s genitals,” explained Dr. Julia Andrews of the San Diego Medical Center.

“When we separated the animal from his body, his penis had been severely slashed and was hanging by a thread,” she added.

“We also opened the stomach of the octopus only to find the partial remains of a digested testicle,” she told reporters.

Octopuses usually inject crustaceans like crabs with a paralyzing saliva then dismember them with their beaks that can exert pressure up to 2,300 pounds per square inch (psi), over twice as much as a hyena, lion or tiger.

The boys father while speaking to reporters says,

“He has lost a lot of blood but it’s a good thing he got here on time,”

“I don’t know what the hell he was thinking screwing with that sea critter but with a little reconstructive surgery, the doctor said he’ll be as good as new,”

“I knew he was into heavy metal music and weird satanic stuff but I didn’t know it was that bad,” added his mother in tears.

I don't care if this is fake news or not. Who the hell can tell anymore. I post as a cautionary tale to all you Hillbillies who think you can be friends with benefits with the octopus. He will digest or partially digest your testicles given half the chance. Not to mention the other things they will do to your genitals. My god, man, you work in an AQUARIUM and you don't know enough not to fuck any of the fish no matter how attractive you may find them.

Oh, and Mom? It's not the heavy metal music that made this happen. Nor was it the Devil. Your son is just a pervert with a fetish for fish pussy. Surely you must have known that something was up when he always ate his fish and chips in another room.


Rob R said...

I don't know if I'm happy or sad to learn this is FALSE through snopes...

Cal's Canadian Cave of Coolness said...

But the site looks reputable but no matter. This just FEELS true to me and the current FAKE NEWS madness has left me unsure of reality so I choose to believe those stories that forward my agenda against the evil that is the octopus.

Debra She Who Seeks said...

Your last line is brilliant, LOL!