1. First thing you wash in the shower.
Meat and two veg
2. Are you more of a coffee or alcohol drinker?
I don't drink coffee after getting sick one long night waiting to be picked up by my folks. Bottom-less cups are the devil. I puked up coffee for two days then never drank it again. I don't even like coffee flavored candies. I only drink vodka because booze made from potatoes doesn't give me the same hangovers that rum or whiskey do.
3. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?
Well he was the Chinese food delivery guy that brings me my hot and sour soup so why not. The soup is really that good. If he ever needed a green card I would marry him.
4. Do you plan outfits?
As much as a man that only wears shorts and t-shirts can. Sometimes I accessorize with a nice scarf if I have to leave the house.
5. How are you feeling RIGHT now?
I made the mistake of driving by the local pub tonight and saw all these people going inside all happy and lovey. It reminded me I couldn't fill a two seated cab with all my friends.
6. Whats the closest thing to you that's red?
My broken and bitter heart.
7. What would you do if you opened your door and saw a dead body?
I would call my Mother and tell that if she has her old friends over for tea then she is responsible for them leaving the house before I get home. I hid ONE body for her once and ONE body is my limit with everyone.
8. Tell me about the last dream you remember having?
I was calling into the Howard Stern show and ripping on all the regulars. Both Howard and Robin laughed so hard that Robin peed her pants.
9. Three of your current feelings?
Immense disappointment with myself and my life, loneliness that not even Robinson Crusoe knew, and severe bitterness that keeps me warm at night.
10. What are you craving right now?
It was hot wings but the ones I had tonight were very disappointing - I may never eat them again until summer. I am also craving some positive attention or any kind of validation.
11. Turn ons?
Red heads, action figures from the 60s and 70s, cosplay, steampunk corsets, thigh high pirate boots, genuine affection, making people laugh
12. Turn offs?
Ignorance, intolerance, smugness, people who think their beauty is all they need to impress people, those who don't 'get the joke', hoarders, getting invited to parties where they only serve snack food, modern music and singers who dance and don't play an instrument.
13. What comes to mind when I say cabbage?
I think of Charlie from 'Charlie and the Chocolate Factory' That is family was so poor that they could only afford to each cabbage soup for each and every meal.
14. When was the last time you cried? Why?
I was very touched by what Dr Goat did for my family and my father at his local 'Day of the Dead' parade and celebration. I loved my Dad so much so anything that reminds me of that brings a tear to my eyes.
15. If you could be a superhero, who would you want to be?
Superman for the powers. Batman for the brains. Spider-Man for the sheer joy of swinging about the city and the Hulk - because Hulk is the strongest there is.
16. Did the one person who hurt you most in your life apologize?
Never, she blamed me for rejecting her when I basically caught her in a huge lie. She claimed she had a miscarriage and six months later posted pictures of her new baby on Facebook. She told me the lie to hurt me in the worst way she knew possible and it worked. Fuck her. She will live in a special room in Hell for all time.
17. Do you bite into your ice cream or just lick it?
A little of both. I like to mix it up.
18. Favorite movie ever?
Legends of The Fall - so many cool family moments and great acting by all the principal actors. I saw that movie alone on a Christmas Eve and it really got to my heart.
19. Do you like yourself?
Not all the time. When I look at all the wicked potential I once had, I really have failed the Universe. I am glad to not be around people who knew me when I was younger. Looking in their eyes and seeing the disappointment would kill me. But then there are times when I know how smart, funny and creative I am.
20. Have you ever met a celebrity?
I ate lobster with Prince Charles in the forests of P.E.I. when I was 12 and it wasn't as weird as that sounds.
21. Could you handle being in the military?
My father was a career soldier and in my youth I was an Air Cadet so I know the life. I loved the friendships and all the adventures we got to have. Few teenagers have learned to do all the things I can do like flying a glider and a power aircraft.
22. What are you listening to right now?
A Howard Stern Show from last summer. He is interviewing Lady Gaga and showed another side of her. Thought I would give it a try to see if she was a joke or just a true artist with poor fashion sense.
23. How many countries have you visited?
Over 25 but our family travelled a lot when we lived in Europe and you could visit five countries in one day. My Dad was really big on making sure we experienced all kinds of lifestyles and environments.
24. Are your parents strict?
My Father hit me once but it was an accident. He pushed me away from him and I fell through a hollow door. It looked bad but the look on his face was worse when he thought he had hurt me. I could go out and stay out all night during the summer. I always got to go on all class trips and any summer camp I wanted too. As long as I kept my grades up I could kill a person and my folks would have helped me hide the body. This was great because my sister and I were very 'unique' children and any attempt to crush or rambunctious spirits would have turned us both into serial killers. They realized that guiding us was much better a tactic than suppressing our natures.
25. Would you go sky diving?
I have done that twice. Once at 3300 ft and once at 10,000 ft. At the higher height they claim I opened my shut INSIDE the plane but I deny it. It DID take me an hour to reach the ground, however, and I had to do a lot of circling just so I didn't end up in Saskatchewan.
26. Would you go out to eat with George W. Bush?
Only to take my shrimp spoon to his temples.
27. Whats on your mind right now?
Why do I ever suspect someone would find me interesting when I honestly answer questions like this set? I am my own worst enemy sometimes but luckily I am a good enough actor to play someone other than the real me.
28. What would you like to say right now?
"Love me. I can change, baby."
29. Have you ever been in a castle?
Many, many castles. Just try to keep me out. I would climb a closed drawbridge just to get into one.
30. Do you rent movies often?
No more, since I can borrow whatever I need off the interwebs.
31. Whats your zodiac sign?
Gemini and I embody all the traits, both good and bad.
32. When was the last time you had sex?
Months or years. Who remembers anymore. No one would/could ever love me that much. Do you know someone with low self-esteem that you can hook a brother up with?
- I rarely sleep and have probably been awake 20 yrs longer than most people.
- I only eat dairy products whose containers I have opened myself.
- I am smarter than any ten people in a room and that is a terrible thing.
- I can tell when the house phone is going to ring about a second before it does.
- I am terrified of my South African tomato hating Doctor and his evil Aryan nurses.
34. Ever had a near death experience? If so, what happened?
I have been shot at by someone trying to steal a buddy's truck. I was stranded all night on the side of a mountain in BC with three friends (and no we didn't resort to eating one another). When I was 2 the life raft I was left in by my parents floated to the middle of Lake Winnipeg and it was hours before anyone figured out where I was. If I would have fell off the raft I would surely have drowned. And then there are all the missions in space and in the oceans that I have had against the cephalopod menace - but I have said too much already.
35. Do you believe in karma or predestiny?
Totally because I know my destiny. Did you ever hear the story of the Cyclop, the solitary creatures that traded an eye for the gift of prophecy but because they misused it, they were only allowed by the gods to predict the time and place of their own deaths? That makes them very solitary creatures. I am like that. I know that no matter what I do I cannot avoid my own destiny of living alone and dying alone, without a family to love me. Strangely, I am okay with that.
Either, though to hear my Baba say it, brown eggs were good luck. She got her eggs directly from the chicken.
37. Do you own something from Hot Topic?
If I was young I would because I like to be hip. Their t-shirts are very creative and if I had the body for it I would have a whole collection of cool t's.
38. Ever been on a train?
I have rode the train throughout Europe with my Eurorail pass and I am planning to take the train through the Rockies this spring to take my mother to see the World Curling Championships in Victoria. Don't tell her. It's a surprise.
39. Ever been in love?
Unfortunately yes. And I can tell you that love will break your heart. All the songs and TV shows and movies teach you that it's a suckers game and if you are smart you will believe it.
40. If you were paid 1 million dollars to spend the night in a supposed haunted house, would you do it?
In a second. Ghosts and other things that bump in the night only exist in your mind. I have never seen anything that convinces me otherwise as much as I would like to believe.
41. If you could trade places with any person living or dead, who would you trade places with?
George Clooney. I like how he lives his life and that Lake Como place he has in Italy is truly magnificent.
42. If you could shorten your life expectancy by 10 years to become more attractive, would you do it?
That is not fair to ask a guy who wanted to be more attractive his whole life so of course I would make, then abuse, that deal.
43. Whom do you admire and why?
My Mother. She is a truly great lady who has compassion for everyone around her. We don't deserve someone so great in this world. I like to believe she is the reward for all my suffering.
44. What was your favorite bedtime story as a child?
Harold and the Purple Crayon - he could go anywhere or do anything with that sweet crayon.
45. You’re walking down the street, you come across a burning building. A woman says her baby is trapped inside, what would you do?
First I would chastise her for leaving her baby in the building then wait for the firefighters. They are professionals in the burning baby rescue business.
46. If you could choose the future profession of your son or daughter, would you?
I would wish more that they find something they love so that their job is a passion and not just something they have to do to earn a living.
47. What was your best experience on drugs or alcohol?
I got really drunk on a stolen bottle of expensive Napoleon Brandy and sang my ass off at a John Cougar concert. I kissed a girl but she might have been a guy from Lybia, I am not sure.
48. What was your worst experience on drugs or alcohol?
The morning after the above concert. I smelled like shame and hummus.
50. As your walking down the street you find a suitcase full of money sitting next to a parked car, would you take it?
Take it and spend it on hookers and blow just like Charlie Sheen taught me.
51. If you found that a close friend has AIDS, would you still hang out with them?
Of course, because I am an enlightened, educated individual who knows I can't get AIDS from sitting next to a person.
I am not a gambler by nature so I suspect not.
53. How old were you when you lost your virginity?
I was in a camper truck with my girlfriend and her father when he suggested her and I ride in the back because we would probably hate his music on the two hour drive to Winnipeg. She pulled me out of the cab so fast that I couldn't argue with him. Was he just stupid or did he not see me as a threat to his daughter's virginity? I didn't even look at him when we stopped at the city because I was ashamed at what I did to her. She was happy to have a great story to tell her girlfriends and I was happy that it wasn't the disaster like most virginity stories turn out to be.
I so wish there were creatures like them in this world. That would make life so much more interesting and I would have an excuse for carrying around a sharpened stick and silver bullets without being hassled by 'The Man'.
At first, it would be great, but after a few centuries by myself there would be no more fresh movies or TV shows to watch and without some kind of purpose, eternal life would be a bummer. Have you ever seen a HAPPY vampire? Immortality is a shortcut to ennui.
56. Which fictional movie character most resembles who you are?
Shrek. I have to same body type and I get grumpy when I am bothered.
57. If you could go back in time, which time period would you visit?
Part of me wants to go back to the Jurassic period just to see if stepping on a butterfly will affect the future in an adverse way. I also like France during the time of the Musketeers. Wearing a sword in public that you can pull out at any insult seems like a civilized way to deal with disputes. Plus I am a huge fan of the outfits.
58. If they were to televise a live execution, would you watch it?
Yes. If the crime was heinous enough I would want my pound of flesh. O.J. would cry like a bitch and that would be satisfying to watch. But no lethal injection - I want something more gruesome like the guillotine or being pulled apart by four horses.
59. If you could be the president of the USA, would you be willing to do it?
Not even on a bet. That job ages a brother and I have young features. Though being able to get a grilled cheese sammich at four a.m. from the White House kitchen would be sweet.
60. If you could choose the sex of your unborn child, would you want to?
Yes, because I want to raise an entire army of Amazon warriors.
61. Would you rather live longer or be wealthy?
"SHOW ME THE MONEY!"