Kraken - Tentacles of the Deep

You would think that after going for my astronaut testing today and seeing the look on the poor nurse's face who had to take my samples that I would do something more productive with the limited time I had left (well judging by her reactions during the taste test my time is limited) than watch me a blockbuster like this but you would be wrong. This is just the way I want to end my days. Alone and miserable because of the evil that lives in our seas. Why does every movie about killer sea life have to begin with a lone boat with a pretty young couple aboard at a sight called Desolation Bay? Since the date is 1982 and their kid is below deck reading '20,000 Leagues Under The Sea', we know this will not end well for his family - especially when his father wields an orr against what is banging against the family's sail boat. Rule #1 - when the giant tentacle has got you, DON'T LET GO OF THE RAILING! Why? Because that is how they GETCHA! Flash forward and a smart, pretty ocean treasure hunter (Victoria Pratt) shows up with her horny young assistants and her salty sea captain to investigate Desolation Bay. Oh but we all know what lives there don't we? Evil that does not sleep or age apparently and it is protecting it's treasure. Why is it that the salty sea captain is always the first to go headless, and not even ten minutes in? And here is a message for the witness to the tragic loss of Salty - if you see tentacles wrap around the bloody corpse you can pretty much GUESS what it IS - saying "SOMETHING got him" makes me want to slap you. And you are IN ocean research. GAH! But at least this attack brings hunky Charlie O'Connell (the orphan all grown up) and Victoria Pratt (who has the best abs of any ocean treasure hunter EVER) together to hunt for squid and treasure. How come every time the pretty ocean researcher finds her treasure (and the giant opal and gold mask are cool treasures) that we have to have evil figures in black (one with a limp and cane to further prove his evil intentions) just ready to take it from her. Even his henchman and henchwoman are dressed in black. I just met Maxwell (Jack Scalia) and I already can't wait for his evil butt to be dragged down by tentacles to a dark death. I would have liked more underwater footage of guys fighting squid (and each other) with harpoon guns but these are low budget b-movies so you take what you can get. From what I can tell the actors do their own scuba diving so that is a nice touch. The underwater footage is not murky like you would expect and I suspect that they chose the location for the shoot not only because of the lower cost of production but also the quality of the underwater scenes they could get. And the CGI of the attacking Giant Squid is better than I thought it would be even though at times it could be mistaken for a guy with a squid glove fighting a GI Joe figure in the tub. But we don't' watch SciFy for the hundreds of millions they spend of these disposable creature features, we watch for the cheese and this movie has cheese a plenty to enjoy. But can someone tell me how, with all the weapons at our disposal, that a simple fire axe seems to do the most damage to these things? Anyways, you need to see the movie to answer these important questions. Will Charlie save brave Samantha? Will evil Maxwell get away with the treasure or will all become just another victim of THE KRAKEN (Tentacles of the Deep) who will kill anyone attempting to steal what is its to protect? You gotta watch because I am not going to spoil it for you.