So You Are Telling Me....

 

That Noah built his Ark with the help of Rock Monsters? Yeh, that's pretty believable. Why didn't anyone clue me in on that? I would have LOVED there to have been Rock Monsters in the Sunday School stories They could have given us Rock Monsters (who were fallen angels) as action figures. I would have made their balloon juice a lot easier to swallow.

I have made no secret of my hatred for the whole Noah and the Ark story. I find the math doesn't work nor do the physics. Even with Rock Monsters working as common labor, it would have taken forever to construct an ark of that size in a manner than would allow it to float. But the animals don't care and they start showing up before things are ready to launch. Hell the rain hasn't even started to fall.

Still no one told me how they kept the carnivores from chewing on the herbivores. For me that was an important question that needs to be answered for me to believe.

And what a mess the birds made, not to mention the snakes - oh why did he have to bring along the snakes?  And where did they hang out? I doubt they all just curled up in the same pile for warmth.

A movie that is suppose to be a thoughtful meditation on the power of faith turns into some kind of stupid Hollywood effects spectacular. But before you get to the eye candy, you have to go through an awful lot of boring crap where Noah says NOTHING INSIGHTFUL OR INTERESTING. He has one line to deliver in every scene...JUST ONE. And he does it in the same Russell Crowe tone each and every time. He never varies his pitch regardless of the situation. It's embarrassing to watch how many actors sleepwalk through this film. Crowe is just the sleepiest. Even when he went a bit nuts after being on the sea for far too long, he never acts like the same Russell Crowe who started the movie. His beard is just longer.

 

 

Emma Watson is so adorable that I feel bad that she has to play a character that is barren. But I am sure that the 'Creator' will bless this good woman with a fertile womb before the trip is over.

The Ark itself is an impressive piece of engineering that is also another spectacular CGI effect when the rains finally fall and shit literally hits the fan.

That made me slog my way through the goofier and superfluous parts of this film which I can only partially recommend. Not enough to mock as I though there would be and some cool effects can't redeem the hacky story and attempts to be thoughtful and environmental - all things to all people. Everyone will either love it or hate it. As a cultural artifact I have to give this one a pass.

I am a bit upset that director Darren Aronofsky dropped out of Wolverine 2 to make this biblical extravaganza. I love his other movies like The Wrestler and Black Swan and especially I love The Fountain. I thought he was moving towards making a great comic book film like Kingdom Come.

(I refuse to watch Requiem For A Dream because of the ultra-realistic effects of intravenous drug use. I just can't want all that puss and decaying flesh - especially on still living and suffering addicts. Lots of fun there for two hours of my life that I will never get back.)

Good thing I was multi-tasking through most of Noah. It got pretty insufferable after they hit the water and I didn't believe for second that Noah would go through with his plan to kill everyone and himself so the new world is human free. An 'creator' who is that cold blooded is not worthy of my worship or love.

With Noah, I feel that the quirky director just lost his way by allowing these rock monster vs evil human battles that look more like Transformers tossing toy soldiers about. The same thing I would do if  Rock Monster toys would be included with the bag of toy bad humans to fight off. All this happens while the rain continues to fall.

Nice touch to have the death of the Rock Monsters a bit more meaningful. I like that their sacrifices are rewarded by a God who for a moment is not such a prick. And then it rained. And all the wicked were washed away...except for a bloodthirsty Noah. Then things get REALLY strange after that.

Maybe watch this one when it comes on TV and you are laid up with only one channel at your disposal. If you did see it, I am interesting in your reaction.