I Am Packed And Ready To Go Houston

I was thinking today that I would be perfect for one of those deep space missions to Mars and back. I feel like I have been training for that for the past two and a half years now anyways.

I could push a few buttons like a trained space monkey, blog, listen to music, watch TV and movies, eat, sleep, poop and stare out the portals at the vast emptiness around me.

The only difference would be the slight hum of the ship's engines which I suspect are just like the hum the dishwasher and the dryer make.

I wouldn't be much trouble. I like those packaged microwave diners so feeding me wouldn't be a problem. I don't mind recycling my waste into drinkable water. I can go for days without a shower - a week if no one brings it up.

I do require more pillows than the average person for sleeping but just throw an old ratty blanket at me and I will be fine. Thread count is meaningless to me.

Just don't put some astronaut jerk/dickhead on the crew and I won't have to woosh him out the airlock when he pisses me off by playing his Billy Rae Cyrus music over the ship's intercom system and trying to convince me that his tea bag politics are really what is best for human civilization.

Of course the cat would have to come with me. But don't worry. He can pull his weight on the voyage. His astral navigational skills are second to none and what he does with a dehydrated meatloaf is to die for.

So, do I have the job?