I had the unfortunate task of watching this classic from who I thought were the people at Asylum. This one came from a little higher up the movie food chain. It was made during the time a few years ago when Snow White and the Huntress and Sleeping Beauty were in production. Unfortunately this one sat on the shelf for years until Jeremy Renner became a star after The Hurt Locker, that Bourne movie and the Avengers.
The burning newspaper clippings of the two siblings vanquishing monsters from the valley was weak. Everyone knows that medieval Europe never had a daily newspaper. GAH. Historical inaccuracies in a monster movie. How will I ever survive it? I can see why this one sat on the shelves so long.
Who put missing child posters on their milk jugs...during the middle ages - when these happy little fairy tales were first created? Who could READ the words on the milk jugs anyways? Wouldn't they have been in LATIN?
Everything seems so modern and Hollywood with H and G but everyone else is an inbred hillbilly. Gretel and Hansel are a coupled of celebrity hunters of evil who just stepped off the set of Entertainment Weekly. They play the whole thing like a life action cartoon that happens to involve the stupidest forest village.
I hope we see someone playing a flute and remove the rats from the village. That Grimms Fairy Tale was always my favorite. Unfortunately this is nothing like Grimms. It doesn't have nearly as lofty goals. I can't even figure out the movie it WANTS to be. Everything is mismatched and out of place. It tries to be hip and ironic but comes across as neither. It's embarrassing to watch for long periods of time.
It's goofy with bad witch effects and the kind of up close fight scenes that zip by too fast to ever register on the brain. If I could follow half of the running, throwing. jumping and fighting, I could get into the story just a little bit more.
Reminds me of Van Helsing...so much potential, looked good, but emotionally hollow and wore out it's welcome early.
Sister Gretel is a tough girl of course who is also the match of any man? Yawn. Where is the vulnerability so we can have sympathy for this cranky bitch? The Gretel I know is not a bitch. No - she was the fat immigrant with the German accent that I remember from the cartoons. That little girl would never headbutt everyone. She attacked witches with her sarcastic remarks.
The story here is full of coincidental story elements that put together make no sense anyways. No one speaks in that old timey English and modern swear words were abundant. No one tried to be ethnic or interesting. It was so bad that I didn't even bother to turn it off because it didn't deserve the honor to be remembered alongside really crappy films I didn't get to the end of.
I forever stand vigilant to protect this planet from the myriad of forces that are always against us. Be it the octopus, zombies, aliens or the robots my team of human agents, and our feline allies, circle the globe in a never ending struggle for human freedom.
I learn all I can on every subject that interests me. I especially enjoy ancient history because in the past there are valuable lessons to be found. Also, if I ever get my time machine to work properly, it would be good to know a bit about possible destinations and what to expect when I get there.
I greatly appreciate beautiful design. Be it manufactured or found naturally I am fascinated by the process of invention. I am attracted to the unique, the strange, the haunted. I like to share what I find on this blog.
And not let us forget the 'Cephalopod Menace' who, if allowed to, would wrap their tentacles around all that is good and pure in this life and crush it until it remained no more. They are creatures of pure spite. Hate is all they know. Death is all they do. They are our most ruthless and determined enemy.
So we fight. Selena has the celebrity contacts, the cat is ruthless and without pity, Roosevelt's ghost has the experience and I do the wetwork.
Fighting for the future of the planet doesn't have to be a chore, however. We can take the time to appreciate all that is cool in this world even as we cut the octopus into bite sized chunks.
This is the reason there has always been and must forever be, a Cave of Cool. Be sure to wipe your feet before you enter.