Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Hansel and Gretel : Witch Hunters

I had the unfortunate task of watching this classic from who I thought were the people at Asylum. This one came from a little higher up the movie food chain. It was made during the time a few years ago when Snow White and the Huntress and Sleeping Beauty were in production. Unfortunately this one sat on the shelf for years until Jeremy Renner became a star after The Hurt Locker, that Bourne movie and the Avengers.

The burning newspaper clippings of the two siblings vanquishing monsters from the valley was weak. Everyone knows that medieval Europe never had a daily newspaper. GAH. Historical inaccuracies in a monster movie. How will I ever survive it? I can see why this one sat on the shelves so long.

Who put missing child posters on their milk jugs...during the middle ages - when these happy little fairy tales were first created? Who could READ the words on the milk jugs anyways? Wouldn't they have been in LATIN?

Everything seems so modern and Hollywood with H and G but everyone else is an inbred hillbilly. Gretel and Hansel are a coupled of celebrity hunters of evil who just stepped off the set of Entertainment Weekly. They play the whole thing like a life action cartoon that happens to involve the stupidest forest village.

I hope we see someone playing a flute and remove the rats from the village. That Grimms Fairy Tale was always my favorite. Unfortunately this is nothing like Grimms. It doesn't have nearly as lofty goals. I can't even figure out the movie it WANTS to be. Everything is mismatched and out of place. It tries to be hip and ironic but comes across as neither. It's embarrassing to watch for long periods of time.

It's goofy with bad witch effects and the kind of up close fight scenes that zip by too fast to ever register on the brain. If I could follow half of the running, throwing. jumping and fighting, I could get into the story just a little bit more.

Reminds me of Van Helsing...so much potential, looked good, but emotionally hollow and wore out it's welcome early.

Sister Gretel is a tough girl of course who is also the match of any man? Yawn. Where is the vulnerability so we can have sympathy for this cranky bitch? The Gretel I know is not a bitch. No - she was the fat immigrant with the German accent that I remember from the cartoons. That little girl would never headbutt everyone. She attacked witches with her sarcastic remarks.

The story here is full of coincidental story elements that put together make no sense anyways. No one speaks in that old timey English and modern swear words were abundant. No one tried to be ethnic or interesting. It was so bad that I didn't even bother to turn it off because it didn't deserve the honor to be remembered alongside really crappy films I didn't get to the end of.



DrGoat said...

Just from the trailer, I figured it would be just like you described. Another BS action movie. Maybe they'll do Itsy bitsy spider next with Bruce Willis. Spider could come down that spout armed to the teeth, ready to kick someone's ass. PS I love the Bugs flic, a total classic.

Debra She Who Seeks said...

I read one review of this stinker that said the witch expected her makeup to do all the acting, LOL!

Mr. Mike D. said...

I kinda liked this movie... mindless action and Gemma artherton is hot as shit.

Kal said...

Gemma is adorable, but in an entirely different movie the whole time she was staring in this one. It's very weird.