Spiders (2013)

Oh this is not a good sign. In the same week when I see a monster spider web in Brazil and a meteorite in Russia, this movie about killer spiders from space hits me right where I live. It feels like a documentary only one with all the familiar creature feature story beats. I love how the guy who is in the TRANSIT AUTHORITY is the boss of the world when all the shit goes down. People higher up the food chain are deferring to him without even questioning his decision making ability.

Of course CITY HEALTH is equip to diagnose that the spider eggs growing INSIDE one of the subway workers MIGHT be dangerous. This city deserves to be destroyed by giant spiders and in a movie named SPIDERS you would stupid not to expect that.

Of course the TRANSIT AUTHORITY GUY is in a trouble marriage with the CITY HEALTH GIRL who of course have a daughter together who they fight over especially on her birthday. This is because they are getting a divorce. Five dollars for anyone who can guess what kind of adventure is about to bring them back together. If you guessed killer spiders from space you win the money.

It guess it helps if everyone knows each other when the shit hits the fan in the third act which benefits from not only the spider mayhem but the military who are also out to kill our hero couple. Good thing our boy hero knows the subway tunnels like the back of his hand.



I have to give them credit though. They filmmakers did more with the little they were working with to craft an effective little creature feature. I would have liked to see it not take itself SO seriously but this is what we get if we want to see a good giant killer spider movie.

Patrick Muldoon (who?) from Starship Troopers leads a cast of unknowns though I would like to see more of Christa Campbell. She is attractive in a soccer mom who also works as a civil servant kinda way. There is also something wrong with her face that I blame on obvious plastic surgery but I find her still fascinating to look at.

 

The spiders don't like to be handled (who knew?) and put out this squeal that personally I found very disturbing. I think that movie is just full of sounds that are meant to make you feel uncomfortable.

 

The spider effects would have scared the crap out of the ten year old Calvin who stayed up nights to consume these type of creature features like pop tarts on a cold Saturday morning.