Monday, June 11, 2018

Here’s an Abbreviated List of Everything Anthony Bourdain Hates

I loved the way Bourdain would express his opinion on something he hated. His hate was pure and unapologetic like my own.

Donald Trump ordering well-done steak: “It hurts me. I think that’s a window into his soul. Anyone who’s that indifferent to food is problematic for me. It’s like meeting someone at a party who says, ‘I never really liked music.’ What do you do with that? As a chef, it always hurt me if I was serving a nicely aged côte de boeuf, and I heard they dumped ketchup all over it — that hurt me too. Something died inside me. So I’m gonna respond in a negative way to hearing that, but that’s hardly the worst of it.”

Clowns: “I'm sure I'm not alone here. Were clowns ever funny? No. Of course not. They were always sinister figures, disguising their homicidal intentions under thick make-up, all the while their crawl spaces and chest freezers were brimming with Cub Scout parts.”

The Unicorn Frappuccino at Starbucks: “Wow, that’s like four things I hate all in one sentence: Starbucks, unicorns, and the colors pink and purple. Also a Frappuccino! It’s the perfect nexus of awfulness. Just add pumpkin spice to that mix, and you can nuke the whole county.”

The brioche hamburger bun: "The hamburger bun is designed to absorb grease, not add greasiness to the experience. A proper hamburger bun should retain its structural integrity, playing its role as delivery vehicle for the meat patty until the last bite. The brioche bun, woefully unsuitable for this role, crumbles. God is against the brioche bun.”

Rats: “Fuck snakes. I eat them. Spiders? No problem! But rats. Rats! Maybe it's my years in the restaurant business, but the appearance of a rat was always the beginning of the end. An augur of doom. A poisoned rat once crawled out of a wall and flopped limply onto my foot to die. They had to scrape me off the ceiling.”

 The third slice of bread on a club sandwich: “You know who invented the middle slice? Enemies of freedom. Their mission? Sap our will to live by ruining our sandwich experiences through ‘tectonic slide."


Debra She Who Seeks said...

He certainly had a colourful way of expressing himself!

Cal's Canadian Cave of Coolness said...

I agree with him, especially about the pumpkins spice.

Dr. Theda said...

We got a good Laugh on his "Thoughts" on Clowns ...LOL