Tuesday, September 14, 2010

If I Were King


Chaka listed a number of things he would change if he were king (as silly notion because clearly I would be much better at the job - it JUST makes more sense to choose me - certainly you all see that.)

Anyway he listed what he would do if he were in charge - what would you do? My short list is as follows:

*First of all I would dress like Yul here because a king can wear anything. Especially a big ass earring and those MC Hammer pants. And a sharp looking sash just completes any outfit.

*I would bring the cape and top hat back into fashion. Wearing a monocles would be optional since the comparisons to MR PEANUT would be unavoidable.

*The ice cream truck would also run in the winter, could still drive that slow (so us fat children can catch it) but the creepy tinkling music would have to go. It would follow the mail truck around so that when you heard the mail arrive you could also zip out for a tasty treat.

*Girls who take pictures of themselves in the bathroom that show the camera (get a camera with a timer and tripod) or make that duck lip face in any picture would have their photo privileges removed for six months. On the second offence you are denied the right to post about your life for a year. We take this shit seriously in the new order - you are beautiful, do NOTHING to ruin that in pictures. This includes painting yourself orange or being seen in photos with douchebags or guidos.

*I may or may not marry and take a queen but we will need someone who looks good in gowns and jewelry for those official functions - a consort if you will. Miss Selena will serve the planet in this function regardless of how creepy you all may think that is. Publicly say so at your peril. (We are a progressive and benevolent monarchy but some things still will hurt my feelings)

*Everyone must own or personally know a cat. There is just something about a person that does not recognize the nobility of these animals that is suspect.

10 comments:

Dan-O said...

I'm cool with all that.


D.I. Felipe González said...

If you can dance like Yul, you can be proclaimed Boreal King, Cal.

TS Hendrik said...

I was going to say that the notion of you being king over a choice like myself was silly but then I read your policy on girl making duck lips and now I see clearly the genius of you being king. I'll give my vote so long as you institute a 'no bowing' policy. Some of us are extremely lazy and this is a must.

csmith2884 said...

No No No your monocle regime I can let pass and your princess/haremess well duh. But a cat for every subject is where I draw the line. I'm off to Tibet with the others punished by tyrants.

Tom said...

I am man enough to admit when I've met my match. You would be a much cooler king. I also agree with you about the ice cream music. When I hear it, I'm reminded of the scary theme music from the Halloween movies and the kidnapper from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.

Kal said...

Since you made a Chitty Chitty Bang Bang reference gets you a high postion in the new order Chaka - congrats.

Oh and TS it's not like you would have to bow EVERYDAY and do you really have to be making demands so early in the new administration? Now I gots to make an example of you. Oh well, the Antarctica post will need an ambassador. Park for a permanent winter.

TS Hendrik said...

Antarctica!?!?

All I asked for was a no bowing policy. Now I have to lead the coup.

What happened man, you used to stand for fighting the wet menace and now this... power has truly corrupted you.

Kal said...

OMG...resistance already? That was a test and you failed it. OFF WITH THEIR HEADS! - maybe you are right - thanks for bringing me back to Earth brother. Just don't think I am not watching you - you mutant rebellious bastard - SEE, I just did it AGAIN. I don't think I can take the pressure of leadership.

Oh and cs, you don't have to OWN the cat you just have to KNOW the cat and have him stamp your passport. Is all this bitching common among one's subjects? I personally find this lack of total acceptance of my policies without question quite alarming.

csmith2884 said...

Oh forgive me my fearless leader..I learned my lesson from Kingdom wide bowling day with the heads of the leaders of your first coup. I have no problem knowing a cat, but with six kids nothing else is going to crap in my house.

Kal said...

Ah, a breeder. I guess you are safe. All I need is a family vendetta to mess up those open car rides through the cities.