First I was feeling frustrated with someone I thought I was close to online. No reply to comments I make to their posts for days. NEVER likes or shares anything I post. (Can't believe I didn't notice that one until now). Then this happens....
The person I am frustrated with still ignores me but doesn't tell me what I did to deserve that. I have been incredibly supportive because I actually do give a shit. But no matter what I do I will always be this monster. I guess this person just decided they didn't want me in their life anymore. No biggee. This has happened to me more times than you would think. It's the reason I have no friends in my life. Everyone tosses me away eventually.
I know what a piece of shit I am. I know how much people dislike being around me. I know I am a freak. This is not news to me. I apologize for whatever burden I was.
Then Shauna reminded me of something and that helped for like a day.
But I don't really have any value, do I?
If someone I respect can treat me like a used tampon that I really didn't know them at all. Totally my fault for thinking otherwise. It's easy to convince yourself of anything in the moment but I guess all of this disappointment just built up until it bubbled to the surface where it sits now like an open sore.
Still being ignored but now I am angry. Angry at this person. Angry at myself which also is par for the course. I am not in a good headspace right now. Sometimes this human stuff becomes just too hard. Why do I keep fighting the fight if nothing ever changes?
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5 comments:
I think it happens to all of us, or most of us. But more so to people who have very few friends and then feel the lost more acutely.
I have had three people who were best friends, when I was younger. All three eventually moved on and ditched me slowly from their daily lives to today, where we are strangers.
But, can't dwell on it. I know I did what I could. It is their issue that cause them to ditch me. So, adios.
Life, always, goes on.
You'll fight because it's the only arena we have. And we only get one shot at it. Or you can take the other way out, which seems to be gaining popularity lately. Me, I'm going to try to enjoy every minute. My health is not that good, things catching up to me in a big way. But dammit, don't want to cash in my E ticket, not yet. Life is the strangest thing. It can be cruel. Carry on, like you always do. You have people out here who dig you. Don't put so much weight on one person. People can be dicks.
Thanks guys. I feel that demon more acutely these days. I am like you Doctor G, I have to see who this all end. Maybe we'll all me spinning off into the sun by Wednesday.
People can be one long pain in the ass sometimes. Fuck 'em, that's what I say.
That has been my philosophy but someone got past all my defences anyways. That should have been my first red flag.
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