No one is nicer to me online than Danielle. She could crush me with a word but she always treats me like I am related to her and that I matter. Have you ever admired someone so much that you want to watch them succeed only because it will mean that you were right about her all along. Trust me, she will rule the world and I will happily occupy her pool house and kill any demons that dare to get close to her.
I don't toss my devotion to just anyone - except maybe Malibu. I am currently building a cold weather hot air balloon because she will need me to rescue her any day now. Malibu is the girl who needs me the most because I can only adore her and she needs that kind of champion. She will never look old even as she ages.
Kyna is also one of my favorite girls because she is from around here and has the most filthy mind of any girl I have ever met. Plus she reads and showcases Sherlock fan fiction which is the most gay literature I have ever read. Everyday she reminds me there is a reason why no girl is good enough for me. How can I ever choose when girls like these are the type of people whose sentences I CAN'T finish in my head. That is where I draw the line.
I would love to mention other of my favorite girls like Jaime, Robyn. Paige or Cora but they have husbands or boyfriends and that would be creepy to gush on them.
And as I do each year at this time, I ask you to send my email to anyone in your family with low self esteem who needs a good man in their lives. If they are medicated or come from some third world shithole, which by comparison, will make my offer look very good.
All I ask is that you are funny and magnificent. At least try me out until I take a bullet for you, which I would, because that is the kind of target I am.