It has been weeks since I have seen one of these craptastic creature features and I think that is why I have been so restless lately. Unless science is going wild and making shockingly bad decisions in the area of genetic research I am just not comfortable to be sequestered in my cave. I actually peek out and when something TEN TIMES the size it should be IS NOT coming after me, I start to rethink this whole 'cave life' policy and that is not healthy for me.
This time out it seems that once again some isolated lab (Sector 13) without proper safeguards has let loose something huge and dangerous on the world. In the real world, such a creature would hide from us but not in this movie. In this movie our creatures escape with the worst attitudes and seek out the harmless bikini girls and their photographers as their first meal.
And can someone tell me WHY the scientists who were working in this secret lab always run outside to get away from the big dinocroc that is also looking for fresh air. They always get stomped or chomped. Personally, I am running for the nearest broom closet and lets see if that stupid lizard can work a doorknob. I am the slow and weak of any herd. I am not engaging dinojaws in a foot race.
Don't worry pretty female scientist in lab coat. He won't get you. Unless you strip first, of course.
OMG..DAVID CARRADINE? How great a casting choice is that. He can kung fu that croc in his pool. YAAAA! We all are saved! Opps. Bad call. Seems David is the bad guy who was bankrolling all these abominations.
Now can someone tell me WHY we need to make big dinocrocs or huge supergators? Why not giant poodles? I swear, these huge creatures are nothing but trouble. This is like those people that want to use dinosaur dna to breed little house cat size lizards to be used as pets. Sure, pets until their huge lizard brains figure out how tasty we are and then its our asses.
Now lets see if we got all our players straight. Pretty scientist blond with accent - check. Hunky soldier type who doesn't respond well to authority - check. Clueless authority figure who makes ALL the wrong decisions when the script needs him to - check. Other blond cop who patrols the lakes in her speedboat called the WILD ANGEL - check. Sheriff father who is gonna die pretty damn quick - check. Expendable army guys - check. Mercenary hunter killer called 'THE CAJUN' - check. Girl for Cajun to playfully banter with - check. If it ain't broke, don't fix it.
I do like, however, all the dumb people who are getting chomped by these super lizards. The chomp to personnel quota is deliciously high. When the machine guns don't slow the thing down, maybe it's time to find another solution to your lizard problem....or get chomped. And don't think you can escape in your jeep either. Seems the dinosaur can run just as fast as you can drive.
Lesson One to all bikini clad girls running from super lizards - flip flops are not good footwear to escape in.
Lesson Two - You will not win a tug of war with a giant crocodile who has half of your bikini clad friend in it's mouth.
Two story tall mushrooms? Good on ya David Carradine. That is some crazy ass old school biological villainy.
Now they wouldn't bring out the large breasted actresses just to have them get chomped in the resort's hot tub would they? That is going to affect tourist bookings I just know it.
You know, their plan just might work in killing both these crazy critters. Sorry to leave you all in suspense but I don't want to ruin the ending for you.
This scene may or may not appear in the movie.
Cal's Canadian Cave of Coolness
I forever stand vigilant to protect this planet from the myriad of forces that are always against us. Be it the octopus, zombies, aliens or the robots my team of human agents, and our feline allies, circle the globe in a never ending struggle for human freedom.
I learn all I can on every subject that interests me. I especially enjoy ancient history because in the past there are valuable lessons to be found. Also, if I ever get my time machine to work properly, it would be good to know a bit about possible destinations and what to expect when I get there.
I greatly appreciate beautiful design. Be it manufactured or found naturally I am fascinated by the process of invention. I am attracted to the unique, the strange, the haunted. I like to share what I find on this blog.
And not let us forget the 'Cephalopod Menace' who, if allowed to, would wrap their tentacles around all that is good and pure in this life and crush it until it remained no more. They are creatures of pure spite. Hate is all they know. Death is all they do. They are our most ruthless and determined enemy.
So we fight. Selena has the celebrity contacts, the cat is ruthless and without pity, Roosevelt's ghost has the experience and I do the wetwork.
Fighting for the future of the planet doesn't have to be a chore, however. We can take the time to appreciate all that is cool in this world even as we cut the octopus into bite sized chunks.
This is the reason there has always been and must forever be, a Cave of Cool. Be sure to wipe your feet before you enter.