Tuesday, December 21, 2010

12 True Confessions From Calvin


Following the lead of Hart Johnson, one of my favorite bloggers I will copy her post and list some honest things about me. Some of course you already know if you are even a medium time reader of my balloon juice.

1. I believe that cell phones will lead to a huge outbreak of brain tumors with users of them in about 20 years. I know this because police have been using radar guns for decades which basically employ the same tech as cell phones. Leaving these gun, running, and resting in their laps have led to a HUGE number of cases of testicular cancer among traffic cops.

2. I will not eat any dairy products that I have not personally opened myself. I just don't trust it and neither should you.

3. I can tell when the phone is about to ring (like a spider-sense) usually within a second or so - certainly giving me time to say 'PHONE' out loud.

4. I have type 1 diabetes (non insulin kind) which is nature's way of telling me that I am a failure as a human being. The chance to go blind bothers me very much. I already feel guilt over not being a parent because I could never convince anyone to ever love me that much to want me to be a father to their child. We all know I would have been a great father.

5. I have a great love and memory for movies and TV shows and it's too bad that the ones I like the best are the ones that are crappiest or get cancelled the earliest. I, however, can now download them like I am the Captain of my own bit-torrent warship and don't feel the least bit guilty about it.

6. I hate guns. I know how to use one and have extensive military training because of my father but I will never own one. "No guns in Gotham" is my motto.

7. I live my life by the phrase "Don't Be A Dick" - you would be amazed what it can get you through. People universally know when they are acting like a 'dick' or doing 'dickish' things so just stop it already. Unfortunately those in power reject this rule the most because they work with other 'dicks' all the time.

8. As a kid I read everything about the paranormal and there were two occasions where I have seen things I can't explain. However, I know they have some rational explanation. They must because nothing in nature proves to me this kind of out worldly stuff exists and one's own eyes can so easily be fooled and one's own brain can so easily be tricked into believing that it saw what it didn't.

9. For the same reason I don't believe there is anything approaching a 'GOD'. Again, where is the proof? Don't say I just have to take it on 'faith' because when you say to me I assume you think I am a fool who will believe things without proof. Any 'GOD' who can not come down to help fix this messed up world we live in is either inept, indifferent, or cruel and I want nothing to do with any such being.

10. I do believe that aliens are real and are on their way to Earth (probably because they picked up our Hitler speeches from Nuremberg and were 'curious about that nice german fellow'). There is no way that conditions for life that exist on Earth, cannot exist anyplace else in the Universe. Do the math. It seems that the governments know something is coming that they can no longer keep from us - maybe coming in 2012 since all the balloon juice we hear is around that date. It's going to be interesting. I hope the aliens don't taste like chicken or trust us with their technology because we will just fuck them over. That is just the species we are. I hope they are watching our television and realize this for our own sake. I suspect however, it will be like the 'Twilight Zone' episode - 'To Serve Man' and they will be bigger bastards than we are.

11. I love Selena Gomez. She is my dream girl. I would be very proud to raise a child like that. If I was Emperor of the world then she would be my consort because I would need someone real classy to meet all the world leaders.. She should marry a Prince because she has the class and the style of a real life princess and I want to see her in some spectacular wedding dress.

12. Canada rules. If you all really knew how great it was great to live here you would all rush the border...but you don't, so you won't. Sucks to be you.




My Unlimited Love To You All - Calvin

13 comments:

Sam G said...

I was also very much into the paranormal (there was a pretty famous UFO sighting where I live)....but the older I get the more cynical I'm becoming. Having said that...have you ever seen Bigfoot up there?

Rawknrobyn.blogspot.com said...

The only reason I'm not rushing to the border is because I don't like the cold.
Everyone (women included) should abide by the motto: Don't be a dick. It would be a much better world.
xo

M. D. Jackson said...

Cal, you don't have to convince someone to love you. You have to convince them to marry you (or just have your baby). If they think they love you then it is easier, but it's not necessary. That's the way most marriages happen although very few will admit that.

If you're lucky... if you're very lucky... love will grow from that marriage.

My other standad piece of advice is this: Love is looking for you. Stop looking for it and just be the best YOU that you can be so that love will recognize you when it finds you.

They sound like contradictory pieces of advice but they are both true.

M. D. Jackson said...

Also your No Gun policy is not a problem. If you know what you are doing there is very likely half a dozen things within easy reach of most people at this moment that can be utilized as lethal weapons.

Guns are for the lazy and unimaginative (unless you're Paladin and just really, really like them).

Megan said...

I really, really need to renew my passport...

Wings1295 said...

I believe you can overcome the diabetes diagnosis with a good diet and some exercise. Try walking, works for me!

And as for love, you truly just have to keep on putting yourself into situations where you come into contact with people. You just never know when the "right one" will be there. Really!

Paladin said...

#4 - I don't know the particulars of your situation or history in this regard, but its my experience that finding true love is more a factor of not setting out on a quest to find it or "deserving" it so much as just being open to it when it does come along. Its often found where you least expect it.

As far as parenting is concerned - ever thought about adopting?

Paladin said...

M.D. - Thanks for the qualifier :)

Firearms are right up there with raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens...

Margaret Benbow said...

I agree that in our vast universe, there must be some kind of life form outside of our solar system. Kal, I don't even want to GUESS what an outer-space octopus would look like. But because of the distances involved, they'll never get to you. I promise. (Please God...)

DrGoat said...

M.D. and Paladin seem to have the best advice about love. When it comes to love, advice may be hard to follow, 'cause, well it's love. Love is connected to the heart and not the intellect. I've been thru a lot of grief myself. A lot more than I'd care to admit. It took me till I was 32 to find someone that accepted about 75% of whom I was. We've been together for 28 yrs now and we still have a lot of problems that cause either one or both of us grief. I think luck also plays a part in running into someone you love. Hope luck happens, my friend.

Nick Ward said...

I'm with you on the church of "Don't Be a Dick".

Kal said...

Sam - you would think that at least Bigfoot would come out of hiding to try a McRib sammich. I know I did.

Robyn - it's cold outside but we have heat inside - since 1976 in fact.

MD - killing someone with a gun, to me, is just so 'MEH'. Anyone can point and click. Hell Maggie shot Mr Burns with even pulling the trigger. I say we all carry swords. Now THAT is how you kill a man. Or one shot pistols at dawn - but that has always just seemed classy to me.

Paladin - you are the official gun nut of the Cave of Cool. It's a big honor. You even get a sash so don't abuse it - and get your guns spayed or neutered. I will at least concede that we MAY need you after the zombie apocalypse begins.

Megan - I keep telling you that.

Margaret - what do you mean you don't want to know what an outerspace octopus looks like - you have seen them - all the ones that are here now ARE from outer space. No way they evolved to be that freakish on MY Earth.

Super-Duper ToyBox said...

Very interesting fellow, you Sir-
We are more alike than you might suspect-
Best-