Sunday, December 19, 2010

I Love My European Brothers And Sisters - Calvin's Twisted Christmas Tales


While we have a jolly fat man that lets you sit on his lap in a warm mall and get your picture taken with him, the European have KRAMPUS - which is part demon, goblin and cooker of pies who's main ingredient is children.

Doesn't he look like a happy fellow? While Santa works the elves half to death in the North, KRAMPUS mines coal with his army of Taiwanese cripples and kills one a day just to motivate the others to stop slacking about. He kills them with his famous heated metal chain.

Only after his merry jug basket is filled with the tears of children who get nothing for Christmas does KRAMPUS return to the forest to get drunk with his buddies and their hookers.

But don't worry kids. He will return from the Black Forest to collect another large bottle of tears about this time of every year. So be good. Or Mommy and Daddy will cripple you and sell you off to KRAMPUS and his army of slave labor.

(p.s. This may not be the entire truth but it was the way the story was told to me when I lived in Europe. We called him Black Peter and we were terrified of his sticks and carried matches and lighter fluid with us so we could light him on fire if we ever were in any danger.)

5 comments:

Tempo said...

thats my kinda Santa... Is it true that the current Santa (fat bastard in a red suit)was an advertising idea from Coke way back in the 1920's?

Kal said...

I believe he was because for decades he was the centre of the Coke Christmas campaign.

DrGoat said...

I think I shared an apartment with this guy back in the 70s.

M. D. Jackson said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
M. D. Jackson said...

The current version of Santa Clause as a big fat Jolly man in a red suit is courtesy of the advertising dollars of the Coca Cola Company but comes directly from an artist named Haddon Sundblom. Sundblom mused himself as the model for Father Christmas.

Here is a sample of some of his other Christmas artwork:

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/5/5b/Playboy_magazine_december_1972_cover.jpg