Tuesday, January 1, 2013

The First Me Meme Of The New Year

1: What eye color do you find sexiest?

Blue within blue. Like the Fremen on Arrakis

2: White, milk, or dark chocolate mocha?

Coffee is the devil.

3: If you could get a Sharpie tattoo on your back, what would it be?

Either one would be cool.
4: Did you grow up in a small or big town? Did you like it?

I grew up on military bases in Manitoba and Germany which was the best of all worlds. I could ride my bike with my friends all night in the summer in perfect safety. I never knew drugs existed until college.

I love this view of Shilo Manitoba. Click to enlarge. You can see the fence that my father built to keep the dog in the yard and built it six feet high so the dog couldn't jump over it. He just didn't like putting the dog on a chain. I came home from camp and I thought he had built a prison compound. All it needed was barbed wire. There was also a little tower so you could hang up cloths on the line without the dog pulling the wet cloths down. Insane. I loved the man but like me he had no skills as a carpenter.
I loved the Golf and Country Club. They took the artillery guns and tanks and cleared a huge tract of land and build a world class golf course on it. As kids we could get a Jr membership for 25 dollars a year and they stored your clubs for you. On weekends we would work at the tournaments as caddies and in the summer we were there when the sun came up.
5: Your favorite adult as a child? (and not your parents, if they were your favorite)

Mr Chudobiak my business and typing teacher in grade 9. We called him CHABOBO. He looked like Nicolas Charchesku, the dictator of Romania. He couldn't say the word deodorant. He would say DEEODORANT with his thick accent. He taught the boys sex ed and called masturbation 'manipulation'. No wonder I don't have a girlfriend.

If you were a slacker in his typing class he would make you use the manual typewriter and not the electric one. Guess how many times I was on that piece of junk? Home Row was drilled into my fingers just trying to press hard enough on the keys to make a mark on the paper. It was a nightmare.

If you got 80 or above as a grade in that school you were exempt from all final exams. I had NO exams to write that year so I was off two weeks early for the summer. TWO WEEKS!!! But HE made me complete ALL my typing assignments especially the one to the fucking business letter to the DURODENT TOOTHBRUSH COMPANY. Five mistakes and you had to do it over and I must have did that letter a thousand times. I spent a week trying to get that one right and the bastard STILL made me take the TIMED typing final. Oh my god I hated him. He is dead now and I know he now teaches typing in HELL.

Now the good part. Today I can type like a concert pianist plays the piano. I type like the wind. It's the only reason I am so prolific with my posts. They take mere MINUTES to complete my thought. I type it almost as fast as I think it and it's all because of that fluffy haired prick.

Bless you Chabobo.

6: What kind of smoothie sounds really good right now?

I am the master of the mixed fruit smoothie. There should be a Olympic event. I would take the GOLD.

7: Most embarrassing moment from your elementary school years?

I stood up for a kid in Math class in grade six and got sent back to Kindergarten to work on my 'attitude'. I was humiliated but found that I loved being the smartest kid in that class of window lickers. They had to drag me kicking and screaming back to the grade six room.

8: Most embarrassing moment from your middle school years?

I loved the cutest girl with an overbite. Her nickname was Mouse. I mustered up the courage to ask her to dance but a bit of the egg salad sammich that I just ate flew out of my mouth and landed on her cheek when I approached her. That was the longest walk of my life back to the loser corner of the gym.

9: Most embarrassing moment from your high school years?

Our one armed coach in football told me to take off my helmet when I caught our own kickoff in all the excitement of my first game. He wacked me with the stump and said, "HEIGHTON, YOU'RE SCREWING UP MY OFFENCE!

10: Pirates or ninjas? Why?

Pirates, they didn't take any shit.

11: Have you ever climbed a tree more than twenty feet off the ground?

Yup, and I fell but twisted myself to land in the lake. People who saw that said it was the greatest feat of acrobatics they ever saw.

12: Did you like swinging as a child? Do you still get excited when you see a swing set?

Swinging was the best. We broke into the elementary school one night in the summer to use the best set of the base. The cops showed up and we just let go and cleared the fence surrounding the school.

13: If you could have any pet in the world, illegal or not, what would you get?

A Puma. Just so I could say PUUUUMA.

14: What’s your most favorite part of your body?

I have the legs of a GOD!

15: What’s your most favorite part of your personality?

My sense of humor. I have a gift.

16: Madonna or Lady Gaga? Neither? Both? Who cares?

Ga Ga worries too much about being Madonna and Madonna jumped the shark, and screwed it a long time ago. Her ropey arms freak me out.

17: Have you ever watched the Superbowl all the way through?

No, because we don't get the see the commercials here in the Tundra. It's our secret shame.,

18: Have you ever watched any major sporting event drunk?

I saw the Edmonton Oilers win their forth Stanley Cup in a row while drinking a bandoleer of tiny tequila bottles. At the celebration in the downtown of Edmonton I dance with some Lybians and then jumped in the water at the Legislative Assembly. The cops told my friends to take me home or they would have to use their nightsticks on me.

19: What’s the most delicious food you’ve ever eaten in your life?

Triffons Pizza in Shilo Manitoba. Magical. Now pizza I have tasted since got it right. I get an itch for lobster every June.

20: Margarine or butter? Which did you grow up with?


21: Whole, skim, 1%, or 2% milk? (Did you know they make 1 1/2% milk?)

Skim with my cereal and that's it. I fear dairy. I will eat no dairy that I haven't opened myself.

22: Which continents have you been on?

All but South Africa and Antarctica.

23: Do you get motion sickness? Any horror stories?

I threw up at the fair once. I hate the fair. Root beer and mini donuts don't taste as good coming up as going down.

24: Backpacks or satchels?

Satchels are hipper.

25: Would you wear a rainbow jacket? A neon yellow sweater? Checkered pants?

No but in the 70s I wore a black silk shirt with a red silk vest, black bell bottoms and Wellington boots. With my Dad's Old Spice cologne I was irresistible.

26: What was your favorite cartoon growing up?

Birdman and the Galaxy Trio

27: If you had to have a cow or a pig, which would you take? Why?

The cow is not as smart as me so I can deal with him. The pig, I read Animal Farm. I don't trust the pigs.

28: If you had to look at one city skyline for the rest of your life, which would it be?

New York City. Are you kidding me? It's iconic. Though I do like Sydney, Australia.

29: Longest plane ride you’ve ever been on?

San Francisco to Sydney. I watched a whole season of the Munsters on a borrowed IPad. It was the only thing that saved me from opening up the door and jumping out. It just NEVER ended.

30: The latest you’ve ever slept?

I don't sleep. A fly in the next room walking across the window sill wakes me up.

31: Would you buy a sweater covered in kitten pictures? Would you wear it if someone gave it you for free?

Have you met me? My love for the kitty is well documented. Can you believe he turns 17 this spring?

32: Do you pick at scabs?

Only when they are good and crusty.

33: Favorite kind of bean? Kidney? Black? Pinto?

Kidney. It's the chili chef in me.

34: How far can you throw a baseball?

From center field to home plate. Like a bullet.

35: If you had to move to another country, where would you move?

Salzberg, Austria - no competition.

36: Have you ever eaten Ethiopian food? Vietnamese? Korean? Nepalese? How was it?

I didn't get this body by denying myself some nourishment.

37: Small, liberal arts school or public university? Why?

Red Deer College and The University of Alberta - the best of both worlds,

38: A relationship with love or one with sex?

I would love to be loved.

39: Do you eat enough vegetables?

Who does?

40: Do you like horror movies? How about thrillers?

Horror movies stick to me for longer than they should. A good thriller is worth it's weight in gold.

41: Would you scratch a crotch itch in public?

Yes, and make it look like I wish fishing for some loose change in my pockets.

42: Do you swear in front of your parents?


 43: Coolest thing you’ve ever been for Halloween?

Luke Skywalker the Halloween after Star Wars premiered. I had the complete outfit down WITH the lightsaber my dad made for me with a high powered flashlight and a clear tube. It was a yellow light but the effect was great in a dark gym during the school dance.

44: If you could change your natural hair color, would you? To what?

I have great coloring already. I wouldn't change a thing.

45: Do you want to get married? Have kids?

Oh course. But that is not my destiny.

46: Do you use a reusable water bottle? If not, you should.

Don't tell me what to do you stupid question.

47: City or nature person?

I belong to the city. I build this city on Rock n' Roll.

48: Have you ever used something other than “makeup” as makeup? (Like paint? Markers?)

What do you think?

49: Can you walk well in high heels? Even if you’re a guy?

I don't understand the high heel. I don't like the high hell. I don't like porn that shows women only wearing high heels. Take you shoes off the bed! But I am a big fan of the boots.

50: Post 5 awesome things about yourself. BRAG AWAY!

-I am the smartest guy in the room most every time....and yes, it is terrible.

-I can make conversation with anyone. My father taught me that if you ask people questions about themselves they will most often open up to you because people love to talk about themselves.

-The things I don't know are legend...but what I do know I know everything about.

-I am a great actor and performer. I often surprise people who don't think that I will be as good as I am because of my looks. I played football and did Drama and no one did that in my High School. I did a large musical at Red Deer College when I was in Drama (before I switched to Education because I didn't want to be a struggling actor with nothing to fall back on) that shocked all my friends and family who thought I wouldn't be good and that was after winning several awards in Drama is High School. I won the top prize for Drama at Camille High School. It was weird to be up on the stage with the kid who won everything else - Physics, Math, Chemistry, ect.

-All of that made me a pretty terrific teacher. I was a natural at it. It was a show everyday.



Debra She Who Seeks said...

Are you sure it was Lybians you were dancing with at the Legislature or Lesbians?

Kal said...

They might have been Lesbian Lybians. I just know that I loved them and told them so repeatedly.

Erik Johnson Illustrator said...

It looks like you and I wear the same frames!