Saturday, February 22, 2014

Another New Meme About Me - Because Those Are The Most Interesting Kinds Of Meme's - Part The First

1. What is you middle name?

It should be Maximillian because that name is cool...but not as cool as YUL.
2. How old are you?

Old enough to lament my lost youth and beauty. Those ten minutes in my early teens when I thought I could rule the world I truly had it all. But then THE MAN noticed my potential and has tried to crush me ever since. But it took all his people and the GODS themselves to delay my vegeance against them all.
3. What is your birthday?

June 1st - same as Marylyn Monroe, Andy Griffith, Morgan Freeman and Brigham Young (which will delight Tim, my one Mormon buddy, but it horrifies me. I have seen his shenanigans on Hell On Wheels and he was an evil crock, thug, pedophile, cheat and fraud who manibuled and bullied his way to the top of a bogus organiztion designed to protect him and his enormoust wealth. He was the Trump of his day.
4. What is your zodiac sign?

Gemini - Which makes me twice as awesome as the rest of you.

5. What is your favorite color?

Crimson which is really red like Burnt Sienna is really BROWN. Get with it people - you only ever need 8 crayons in life but I will allow you 12 colors of crayons, because that is the kind of guy I am. But having a crayon sharpener is heresy.

6. What's your lucky number?

7. Do you have any pets?

Only the magnificent Lord Admiral Fluffy Von Scootchie Baloo (of the Manhattan Scootchie-Baloos)

Of course after 21 years the dear old boy let go for other adventures and I was united with Baroness Simona Bebe Von Katzenhammer of the Salzburg Von Katzenhammers. She is cold and indifferent to me unless I am talking about her. Every think about her is tainted by my profound disappointment in her intelligence. To know that I am unworthy of love or affection of any kind is a brilliant evaluation of my essense as a human being. She got it right pretty early and will have nothing to do with such a trainwreck.
8. Where are you from?

Earth - Sector 001 - The Terran System - The beautiful western Canadian part of the planet.

9. How tall are you?

Tall enough to ride any ride you got at your Hillbilly carnival.
10. What shoe size are you?

Size 11 which yes, ladies, does translate to other parts of my body. It's not a myth.
11. How many pairs of shoes do you own?

Like most men, five, runners, winter boots, dress shoes, slippers and sandals but not flip flops. Never flip flops. I can forgive a man wearing socks with sandals but flip flops are lazy and beneath you my Brother. Your feet and civilization will thank you if you drop those in a cleansing fire.
12. What was your last dream about?

I was locked in a phone booth while the octopus attacked. They rode the waves during a Typhon and went on a 'Sharknado' like killing spree but they couldn't get to me. I just phoned in my plan to kill them into the city who electrified the wet streets and fried all the stinkin' cephalopods into appetizers.

13. What talents do you have?

Enough of them that I could survive the zombie apocalypse better than most. I have the right amount of dispassion to do the dirty 'wet work' that will need to be done. It's a jungle out there and if I am forced to live in it I plan to do it as a predator and not prey. I may be a demented shut-in at this point but I was trained from birth to fight and I have an impressive skill set. Survival tricks. I watch those shows too and own a book about how to survive bizzare situations like being attacked by an Octopus.

 14. Are you psychic in any way?

I can tell when the phone is going to ring before it does. I mean the house phone of course if any of you remember what a house phone is. I know which container of cottage cheese is fresh and which is rancid without opening up the package. I will not consume dairy that I myself have not opened.

15. Favorite song?

Everybody Knows - Leonard Cohen

16. Favorite movie?

For sheer immersive experience - Legends of the Fall. That troubled Tristen and the long suffering Albert break my heart every damn time. And poor doomed Samuel really was the best of them all.
Childhood Favorite - Golden Voyage Of Sinbad.

17. Who would be your ideal partner?

Have you been reading my site, EVER? I just want someone who finds me interesting, kind and funny. Of course if she had red hair, she automatically goes to the front of the list. I would prefer a girl from the Old Country that comes in a mail-order crate because she would appreciate the indoor plumbing and satellite TV that we offer here in the West. But I am too complicated for all that. I could love no one more than I love myself. I could never find anyone I would find as interesting as myself. I am not worthy. I am the Cailou of Calvins.

18. Do you want children?

I don't have the ability to raise kids that will end up decent human beings. I am too selfish to do it right. Plus no woman is letting me get her pregnant. She would have to convince herself that an alien impregnated her after taking him aboard her ship just because my sperm was inside her. But I would love to have me own little people to share the cool things I know and have seen with. But that is not my destiny. The Universe has other plans for me and the Gods in all their anger against me would never gift me with a child. I am too old to be chasing down a toddler and there is nothing I hate and fear more than a human toddler. They are unpredictable little freaks who still need their little tushy's wiped down but they can no run and jump and roll around and cry and breath and lift things SO CLEAN YO OWN ASS, BITCH. CLEAN YOU OWN POOP OR LEARN TO USE THE POTTY!

See, not a good idea. I get stopped at 'toddler'. Though I do say that one of my dearest friends on the Facebook has NEVER cut her son't hair and he just turned three I think. He looks SO COOL. Like a little Conan and you can braid it and give him Princess Leia buns or just let it go like Fabian. That kid will always be cool like his parents are cool.

19. Do you want a church wedding?

I do like to put on a good show. NO of course not. I don't dance like a monkey for THE MAN and I don't feed strangers who call themselves my relatives. Plus I am not getting married to anyone until they live with me for awhile and then ask ME to marry THEM. That one is a deal breaker.
20. Are you religious?

No but I believe in the random forces of nature and karma that can either reward or punish one's actions. If there is a HELL then it's right here on Earth. Institutionalized religion is about as evil as groups get and I will always be against such brainwashing 'group think'. The perverts that infest every corner of the Catholic Church are a fine example. They need to be sought out and removed by some holy army of assassins who only need to touch the pedophiles to know if they are guilty and then they kill them it whatever method they choose. Damn, that's a good idea for a video game.

21. Have you ever been to the hospital?

They make a hell of a deli sammich in that atrium. Oh and because I needed to have metal pellets removed from my face that one time. They didn't get them all and I hate that. I will dig them out with a spoon one day. I only spent time in hospital after being part of some larger accident or incident. The scars on my face tells the story. I survive everything. I always have so I know I will die in my sleep. Not dangling from some helicopter in an attempt to retrieve stolen plutonium.
22. Have you ever got in trouble with the law?

Never convicted of anything. Except for a little mischief but I got a pardon for that so it technically doesn't exist anymore. And for some reason I am wanted for Crimes Against Humanity by Romanian authorities - but I think that is because I make fun of those numnuts all the time.
23. Have you ever met any celebrities?

Prince Charles - spent the afternoon with him once and ate lobster with him on Prince Edward Islad. World Scout Jamboree 77. True story and it's a good story.
24. Baths or showers?

I do love a nice soak and that has nothing to do with my collection of action figures that like to fight in the lavender scented bubble bath.

25. What color socks are you wearing?

Black, baby, the same shade as my cold, dark, heart.
26. Have you ever been famous?

NO...and that is just ONE of the problems I have with you people. Of course THE MAN keeps me down but if the world really appreciated my genius they could collectively overcome those obstacles. My captions are genius, my blog is genius. I am an artist of all that is cool. I should have my own podcast.
27. Would you like to be a big celebrity?

Not in the least. The negative attention always outweighs the positive attention.
28. What type of music do you like?

Anything with a beat that I can sing along with or dance too. I like to think my musical tastes were once really refined. I miss those days when I knew all the songs and all the artists. Today it's just luck or SNL where I discover a new song or group.
29. Have you ever been skinny dipping?

I don't have the kind of body that enhances the 'skinny dipping' experience.
30. How many pillows do you sleep with?

There is no such thing as 'too many pillows'. I am like a Sultan with my pillows. Pillow arrangement is most important in getting a good night's sleep - which is something I rarely do. I do know, however, that I would sleep even WORSE without my fine collection of pillows.
31. What position do you usually sleep in?

On my side - I flip back and forth a lot and do this magic trick with the covers that is like a bullfighter using his cape.I am a delicate hot house orchid when it comes to sleep because I hate sleeping. It's the little death that steals my life.



Debra She Who Seeks said...

As usual, I laughed all the way through your answers. You crazy bastard.

Nathan said...

5. The crayon sharpener is such a bizarre gimmick. And there are an unlimited number of colors, but not all have names. Maybe the day is coming when Crayola will start using hexadecimal codes.

8. Funny, I thought Earth was in Sector ZZ9 Plural Z Alpha.

23. You need to tell the Prince Charles story, or link to it if you've already told it.