Friday, March 20, 2020

Learn More About Me - From 2011

I read today that the Drysdale awards were announced and once again I was left off the list. I thought the days of politicizing these things went out with the Cold War but it appears that is not the case. Who do you have to blow to get some attention in this Internets anyways? I could cry and moan (and believe you I will) about my blatant exclusion from numerous categories but I choose to take the high road. So what if I am freakishly creative and prolific? So what if I have done what few men have been able to - bed Nelly Furtado AND mix the disparate elements of cephalopod hatred and kitty love into one fine cohesive reading experience and one fine spread for bread or crackers. So what if I am not above faking my own death to achieve some false validation and recognition of everything that makes me awesome. I don't tell you bitches a third of the reasons why I am awesome in any given month but you are gonna hear about it now by gum.

1. I AM a rebel just like Johnny Yuma was a rebel.

2. I went 'rogue' long before it was fashionable to do so. But we had to stop that moon sized weapon system before it threatened freedom throughout the Galaxy.
3. That song by Johnny Cash...about shooting a man in Reno...just to watch him die? Yup..that was about ME. I was an underparented and over armed toddler.
4. I have saved this miserable little planet from destruction more times that Kirk and Dr Who put together but I don't go around using that to bed chicks with the exception of Nelly Furtado. But she was asking for it wearing those boots and that fringed vest.
5. I could use my powers for evil but I choose to use them for good. I think I might be revising my edict on that soon...very soon
6. I am a self-important cry baby who wants what he wants when he wants it but don't get to thinking your stupid little award means anything to me.
7. "You can kick me, you can beat me and you can stab me..just don't BORE me". I said that long before Clint Eastwood ever did.

8. Only I can play the role of ME in the biopic they are sure to make one day. Well me or Will Smith. He can play ANYONE. He just disappears into any role (GAH!)
9. For a big guy I move like a ninja puma gazelle
10. My blogging is prolific AND entertaining and I can comment/rant intelligently across a wide range of topics from pop culture to nominations for stupid awards that no one really cares about.
11. I am Canadian - and I can see Alaska from my house. 'nuff said.
12. I am the magic baby, also known as the Golden Child, don't forget it.
13. I still get gift from women and it's not even my birthday!
14. I was running black ops into Cambodia when you were suckin' on your mommas teet back at Woodstock...or was that William Stryker from X-Men 2?

I also make the best cinnamon buns in the world. Soft like angel feathers two days later.

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