Onion Headlines Of The Week

•Smug New Mom Going To Start A Blog
•Office Prick Returns From Fantasy Camp
•8-Year-Old Attempts To Break The Sour Barrier
•Local Child Amuses Café Patrons—But For How Long?
•Report: Presidents Washington Through Bush May Have Lied About Key Matters
•Commentary: The Last Thing America Needs Is Another President
•Embarrassed Republicans Admit They’ve Been Thinking Of Eisenhower Whole Time They’ve Been Praising Reagan
•Fox Ordered To Cancel Upcoming When Presidents Are Assassinated Live Special
•Ducks Only Interested In Area Man’s Bread
•Space Station Crew Completes 13-Year Mission Studying Man’s Ability To Constantly Repair Object In Space
•Woman In Ninth Year Of Letting Boyfriend Down Easy
•Crush Lasts Nearly Entire Bus Ride
•Nation Trying, Okay?
•Leaf From “Tree Of Life” Frontrunner For Best Actor Oscar
•Female Friends Spend Raucous Night Validating The Living Shit Out Of Each Other
•Handlers Constantly Reminding Gingrich To Stay On Uninspiring, Belittling Message
•Area Man Finally Finds Good Reason To Hate Co-Worker He Hates
•[Unsung Heroes] Angela Cloud did her best not to seem bored as a coworker talked about having his dog put down.
•Area Man Somehow Less Popular Than He Was In High School
•Sexual Assault Numbers Under Control, Unless You Count The Super Brutal Ones
•Exhausted Sweatshop Worker Just Has To Laugh After Sewing Fingers Together
•Congressmen seen smiling, being cordial: Does this mean trouble for America?
•Facebook To Permit Users To Change Privacy Settings Only If They Guess Word In Locket Worn By Mark Zuckerberg

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