AGAIN With The Freaking World Records

I have made no secret of how much I despise stupid world records that involve a person wearing the most underpants, making the largest hot crossed buns, or something equally as stupid.


Meet Chris May, a 16-year-old from Darlington, County Durham, who possesses what is quite possibly the world’s lamest superpower: He can hold 16 mugs at once using only one hand.

THIS IS NOT A HUMAN ACHIEVEMENT - NO MORE WORTHY OF RECOGNITION THAN A LABRADOR DOG THAT CAN HOLD FIVE TENNIS BALLS IN HIS MOUTH!!!


Please stop these 'events'. They are the equivalent of giving participation ribbons to every kid at school. Recognition for actions that did nothing to change the world or impress me are beneath my notice and should be beneath your notice as well. Of course instead they drive me insane. Everyone is allowed one unreasonable demand in this world and this is mine - ENOUGH WITH THE RECORDS!!!

I can respect you for any crazy, sleazy, counter productive to civilization god awful TV show that you watch religiously in your shame but I cannot abide anyone who had been part of one of those huge group records especially if it involved group exchange of bodily fluids or took place in the sky. It's all just so stupid to me. I don't want to be part of any group that would run naked while all wearing Santa caps. It's goofy. It's group insanity and it's cold on your junk about mile three.

If you are a chef who participated in creating the largest cupcake or pina coloda then you need to leave your chosen profession immediately. You have jumped the shark then went and made the largest shark burger out of it's remains.

As for those of you that grow finger nails or toenails for decades, I say what I always do - WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO ON THE TOILET? TELL ME WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ON THE TOILET!!


And what I REALLY want to know is - how the hell do people keep 'going' for the longest fingernail record? You know you are up against guys in India who have been growing their pinkie nail out for 60 years. You really want to invest your limited time on this earth chasing down that dream for 61 years because that is the level of boneheaded commitment that will be expected of you.


If you really want to make your mark on this world then plant a tree, recycle a can or slap a mouthy teenager at the mall. The world won't notice you but YOU will know you did your part.

Or you can just eat 37 goldfish in a minutes and move on.