Sunday, October 27, 2013

Guilty Or Innocent?

Asked someone to marry you? - Guilty - she first said yes then said no three days later. True story. Broke my heart and made me the bitter and broken man you see before you.

Ever kissed someone of the same sex? - Innocent

Danced on a table in a bar? - Guilty - these hips don't lie

Ever told a lie? - Guilty or do I mean Innocent?

Kissed a picture? - Guilty. Is it weird that it was my own picture?

Slept in until 5 PM? - Guilty - But what the hell? What am I? A Mormon?

Fallen asleep at work/school? - Guilty - feel asleep while at a staff meeting - the Principal has SUCH a soothing voice. That was my excuse and he was so soft spoken that others took my side. After a half hour of a near whisper I am OUT.

Held a snake? - Guilty (baby) - Once wore a ten foot python as a scarf

Been suspended from school? - Innocent - Once fought to get myself out of Religion Class and when told I could still get credit but I couldn't tell anyone, I got indignant and told the teacher and the principal that unless my three friends also got free from the class with credit I would tell EVERYONE and LEAD the revolt against a very poor teacher. And I gave them ten seconds to sign the agreement. I graduated from a Catholic High School without having to attend Religion Studies 30.

Worked at a fast food restaurant? Innocent. I had cool jobs like instructor at Cadet Camp and working at a Golf Course.

Stolen from a store? - Guilty - 7/11

Been fired from a job? - Guilty - But I hated it and wanted the rest of my summer off.

Done something you regret? Guilty - daily regrets

Laughed until something you were drinking came out of your nose? - Guilty

Caught a snowflake on your tongue? - Guilty - HELLO - Canada

Kissed in the rain? - Guilty and walking in the snow with Tara Crandal.

Sat on a roof top? - Guilty and got very trunk until I almost fell to my death. Good times.

Kissed someone you shouldn't? - Guilty and if your momma never tells then neither will I.

Sang in the shower? With this beautiful voice? - Guilty

Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on? - Guilty and took every single one of those bitches in with me.

Shaved your head? - Guilty - Big Daddy don't DO the COMBOVER! And I got a beautiful head.

Had a boxing membership? - Innocent but would have always liked to learn. I do have martial arts and fencing training and I can shoot and ride a horse. I could have been a Muskateer or a Shumka Dancer.

Made a boy/girlfriend cry? - Guilty but not proud

Been in a band? - Guilty if air bands count. Multiple wins at many imaginary awards shows.

Shot a gun? - Guilty - Hate guns but have shot most things that can be shot at targets only.

Donated Blood? - Guilty - voluntary and involuntary

Eaten alligator meat? - Innocent but I would

Eaten cheesecake? - Guilty - come on...they call me BIG Daddy

Still love someone you shouldn't? - Guilty - also a daily occurrence

Have/had a tattoo? - Innocent - too much of a baby to take the pain

Licked someone, but will never tell who? - Innocent - unless they are covered in chocolate - not gonna happen

Been too honest? - Guilty - got a nasty streak of ethics because at the end of the day I have to live with myself and that guy's got enough problems as it is.

Ruined a surprise? -Innocent. I hate that done to me though I am rarely surprised. People don't care enough to put in the time to do it right.

Ate in a restaurant and got really bloated that you couldn't walk after wards? - Guilty - again all food questions are moot.

Erased someone in your friends list? - Innocent - only after they did it first to me

Dressed in a woman’s clothes - Innocent but they do have some nice designers out there

Joined a pageant? - Guilty - and not a PRIDE thing you bitches

Been told that you’re handsome or beautiful by someone who totally meant what they said? - Innocent - never has happened, never will happen

Had communication with your ex? - Innocent - Over is OVER

Got totally drunk on the night before exam? Innocent - but got wrecked on caffeine pills before my first year Christmas Exams - so wired that when someone dropped a book I whelped like a Border Collie.

Got totally angry that you cried so hard? - Innocent - I only cry at 'The Grinch Who Stole Christmas' when his heart grows 3 sizes that day and gets the strenght of 2 Grinches plus 10 - oh hell...there I go again.


Erik Johnson Illustrator said...

Interesting way to form a survey. Reminds me of yesterday when I was hanging out with some friends at their new apartment and someone commented how you would need to have curtains up if you wanted to walk around the house naked. This is something that had never occurred to me to try (then again I always have been a little behind the curve) and expressed shock at the notion. By contrast, the others seemed surprised that I lived alone and never did this even once.

So slumming around the house nude would be "innocent" for me.

Kal said...

I may live alone but I am not a savage. My home is not a circus. Do me the courtesy, SIR, of putting on your pants. Now with the ladies the policy is quite less rigid. But you wear pants when you walk around my house, buddy. And a shirt. And would a comb kill ya. When did you bathe last? Yeh, maybe you better stay somewhere else where they let you be all stinky and freaky.