Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Absolutely True Tales From Today In The Cave Of Cool

Is there something wrong out in the world today? Like Dolphins swimming with cows (Dolphins can do that? - right) I have issues to speak of.

First my mother asks me if they can get fingerprints off plastic bags. I kid you not. Right out of the blue. I wonder if she is planning to just smother me one night and just be done with it.

She often jokes that she thought of drowning me when I wouldn't stop crying in the tub as a toddler. I think I will only take showers from now on.

Then Dr Oz ramps up the fear factor by discussing all the various things that can silently kill you and your family like Ebola and Anthrax because he feels it's his duty to make us all AWARE! However, he doesn't give us anyway to avoid the inevitable - just scares the shit out of people.

HEY! ASSHOLE! IF there is nothing we can do about then maybe you should go onto another topic - like showing me what my colon looks like by stuffing different colored socks into a clear tube - oh wait, that is the second half of your program?



M. D. Jackson said...

There's nothing wrong with your television set.

It wants you to be afraid. It wants you to be very afraid. Because the fear addled brain will do crazy things like whip out a credit card and call that 1-800 number to get that thing that prevents osteoperosis, or dandruff, or stops you from being depressed or treats restless leg syndrome, or...

Cal's Canadian Cave of Coolness said...

or my addiction to pudding cups? Will TV and my credit card help me fix that too? (at this point you have to imagine me looking up you with my big child eyes)

Wings1295 said...

Er... Okay. And yeah, why don't you keep an eye on your dear ol' mum.

Cal's Canadian Cave of Coolness said...

I ain't turning my back on her. Don't worry about that. I think I will tie a bell on her so that I can hear her coming down the hall.

M. D. Jackson said...

TV and your credit card will solve your addiction to pudding cups AND it will also allow you to buy more pudding cups.

Boo! You scared? It's okay... buy something... anything... it'll make you feel better. You can have your cake and eat it too.

You see how this works?

Pat Tillett said...

What next? Is REALLY going to start raining cats and dogs?