Sharknado - Live View Review With Spoilers

 

"That's a Tiger Shark."

"How do you know?"

"SHARK WEEK!"

I love how this move needs absolutely no explanation other than it's a bad monster movie about a tornado of sharks that rained down deadly razor sharp teeth of death on everyone and everything.

First the evil Shark poacher get's his. Then anyone else who happens to live near the shore has their chance to avoid death. He's a suggestion, GO INSIDE. Maybe a windowless basement or a bar's beer cooler will help save you from a windstorm full of flying (but still hungry) sharks. Do not try to fight them on your own with whatever you can find, like a bar stool. That rarely works.

How do the sharks breath inside the cyclone? Am I wrong to suggest that these questions possibly don't have any answers?

Why do Sharknado sharks always go for the head of the human first. Sometimes it's JUST the head they want to chew off which to me makes no sense. The meat in the skull is the hardest to get at. The torso is full of a variety of tasty organs and connective tissue. But what do I know? I am not a shark.

So Ian Zeiring and Tara Reid finally found time to make a movie together. I hoped when these two titans of acting combined they would put their energy towards a script worthy of their talents. It also allows them to be badass lawbreakers during a public emergency. Police should just shoot to kill like they would do with other looters. But then again, this is SHARKNADO and Ian Zeiring has no time for your bullshit rules.

So only a surfer/bar owner and his washed up ex can save us all from a Class Four Biological Tornado? Personally I would like to know where The Rock and the Military are to help me. Isn't this what I am playing taxes for? OMG. Stay safe all my brothers and sisters who visit the shore at this time of year. Those flying sharks will make it hard to properly relax like you should be.

 

I hate how I know that anyone connected to the two main stars are basically shark bait in this film. They live about ten minutes or less after being introduced as the friend, father, sister or brother of either Tara or Ian. It's as badly gruesome as you would expect from the amateurs at The Asylum.

To man crunching sounds even in the shallow water. That is also a shitload of sharks to travel in a pack at one time. A far as I remember, Sharks this size are generally solitary hunters, opportunity hunters who don't like to share. Even pre-Sharknado sharks have very poor manners and act totally against type, for no biological reason. They also, apparently, like to shop.

I also thought that sharks preferred cold water and tornadoes develop over warm water/currents. How can I buy your goofy premise if you can't meet me halfway with some half way plausible bullshit weather science.

I love how AFTER the tornado, any sharks that fall to the ground have enough life left in them to chew through the roof of an SUV and still have the energy to bite at the vehicle's occupants. Man, them sharks are tough bastards.

 

Cal's Sharnado Safety tip. If the shark is on the roof of your car. Just stop the car quickly. Or don't stop the car because it might blow up since some shark bit a hole in the gas tank. I shit you not - that happened.

Even an airport hanger is not safe enough to protect one from the Sharknado. But hiding behind a piece of sheet metal will - again, I shit you not.

WHAT THE FUCK? The storm lifts everything off the tarmac but a helicopter and of course there just happens to be a tool warehouse nearby full of propane tanks and chainsaws.

Now here is the plan - The son, who just happens to know how to fly a helicopter is going to drop a bomb made of propane tanks into the tornado, just EQUALIZING THE PRESSURE thus stopping the tornado (did anyone in this group ever go to school or watch ANY OTHER FUCKING FILM ABOUT TORNADOES LET ALONE SHARK FILLED ONES???)  Any helicopter would be torn to pieces if it got that close to a tornado.

While on the ground, our heroes will wait for sharks to rain down on them and fight them off with chainsaws, instead of just sitting it out in the safe warehouse. I hope they all die for being this stupid.

They had better all die.

And why does the SON of Tara Reid and Ian Zeiring look older than each of them?

OH BOY...I have to see how this one ends. Lord knows I've come this far.

Of course there just happens to be a nursing home in the path of the Sharknado.  Why don't you guess what happens next. Well a swimming pool explodes. EXPLODES. Do those old people pee rocket fuel into that pool?

 

Again - if you don't want to be chewed up by sharks falling from the sky, get into the house. Maybe the basement or under the refrigerator. At all times keep your head covered with wet newspaper.

 

Also don't fly a helicopter through a crowd of sharks if you are a ROOKIE PILOT! Because you might just survive that.

 

Okay, Ian, you are a badass. That final scene has to be seen to be believed. From the position of the shark you might have some idea where Ian ends up...then escapes from. Nothing like that ever happened on 90210.

 

Lots' of bad CGI but this is what we have grown to expect from The Asylum. I swear, they have such a cool gem of an idea but go half retard on the concept, do everything on the cheap (including one of the stupidest scripts ever) and end up with something that everyone wishes was better - again just because of the cool concept.