Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus - Mega Spoiler Report From the Cave of Cool

Calvin watches Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus in real time.

The is a helicopter over the worse CGI ice break up ever. And who is ever going to believe that Debbie Gibson can control a sub…well she IS electric youth (see what I did there?)

AAAAAAAAAAAA there is that tentacle bastard. GIANT OCTOPUS!!!! He attacked and brought down the entire drilling rig…AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA…That’s what you get for releasing him from the prehistoric ice. People with sonar devices on the underwater ice shelf just don’t think. Would have liked to have seen more of him than just a fleeting glimpse. I understand the need to increase story tension but you got CGI - you can make anything these days and it would have been cool to see the entire rig get pulled to the bottom of the sea.

Plane in a storm. This can’t be good. Guys says he is getting married in two days. He’s dead…FUCK ME…SHARK THE SIZE OF A PLANE COLLIDES WITH PLANE OVER OCEAN- no survivors. No why would the shark dive out of the water at the plane? Its not like he’s a kitten and the plane is a yarn ball. Same complaint…show me more like the shark biting the plane in half as it sinks.

Bad Irish accent on Debbie’s old mentor. Waiting for him to complain about someone stealing his lucky charms. Mega Shark prick is Megladon….he’s got some prehistoric street cred as largest shark ever.

Even a destroyer can’t kill that shark. You guys are asking to die now. Okay when the Captain keeps saying “Radio Washington - Target Destroyed!” and guy on sonar is saying.. “Sir, target NOT destroyed” then you know you are fucked. Bye bye destroyer.

Theme phrase “IT RISES!”

Lorenzo Lamas as bad ass military point man but he only pretends to be a dick.

OOOO Katrina joke…topical.

Japanese oceanographer gets first crack and Debbie. Now he has to die of course after screwing her in a supply closet. Scientists. Go figure. Well that is one way to clear the mind for research. And for a couple of supposedly brilliant people, to NOT come up with a pheromone based lure for the super sea monsters before doing the sexy is kind of dumb.

Making the jet fly too low to catch squid on radar mean scratch one plane. And there we have it…SWAT!

A lot of the shots of Debbie create shadows on her nose that distract me and now require her to have something down about it Ashley Simpson style. Not that she can’t look pretty in some photographs.. it’s the non posed ones that don’t help her.

Don’t tell her that you are proud of her Professor cause now YOU are dead.

OF COURSE the claw on the submersible would malfunction when dropping the lure so that they would be in danger from Mega Shark. You say the big fish is swimming as fast as a jet and you try to hit him with depth charges. Who is running that navy? Oh look, Captain Obvious was wrong again. Declare the target destroyed and have him bite your ship in half. Somebody is going to that weather station in Alaska for his next tour of duty

Shark bites Golden Gate bridge in half. EVERYONE is getting transferred to that same Arctic station.

She is the smartest girl in the room again. Getting the two giant sea creatures to fight each other to eliminate them both is actually a good idea.

“Only a hate stronger than their own survival instincts could force such a result” (of being frozen in the ice in mid combat) - best line of the movie.

I don’t think Lorenzo Lamas would be put in charge of the whole ‘get rid of the creatures for the safety of the world’ with his racist attitudes.

K when Japanese oceanographer quotes Julius Caesar AND schtuped Debbie then you know he is dead. SOOOOOO dead.

Do you really steer a submarine with a video game joystick. And of course the kid trained to drive a sub will have a convenient breakdown JUST in time for Debbie to take the controls and save them all. Just like it would happen in real life. Since WHEN does the guy driving the sub have a sidearm…WTF?

Rubber octopus fucks up rubber shark till rubber shark bites tentacles.

Debbie and Lorenzo in mini sub - need saving by Japanese boyfriend so now he can die. That octopus effect is really, really bad. I mean really bad. I could film a better scene during my tub. You got to love how during the final climactic battle that you get the shaky camera work and reaction shops from inside the mini-sub. Its like a bad Star Trek episode. Close your mouth Debbie. We get it. You are shocked by what you are looking at.


HEY, Japanese guy lived…go figure.

And down to the bottom of the ocean we go until the sequel when we learned that both the octopus and the shark were females and pregnant and their babies will continue the fight.

Story end with new creature for our ‘team’ to chase after…next season on Fox.

She DOES the final theme song. I guess that means getting your money’s worth.

Final Verdict - no worse than any other campy monster movie I have seen. On par with the Komodo dragon one or the Hoff and his giant snake movie and actually better than most Sci Fi Network creature features.

1 comment:

Ricky Shambles said...

Hilarious. Now I must see it. When I first heard about it, I thought: Snakes on a plane, but an unlimited plane...underwater. And that didn't make sense, so I just went with: why isn't this premiering on SciFi? Looks like I shan't be disappointed.