Wednesday, December 4, 2013

50 Questions You Do Not Need The Answers To

1. What's your favorite candle scent?

Huckleberry Hustle

2. What female celebrity do you wish was your sister?
Merritt Weaver of Nurse Jackie

3. What male celebrity do you wish was your brother?

George Clooney, just for all the great hand-me-downs.

4. How old do you think you'll be when you get married?

Aren't you sweet to ask. What, do you know someone. Surprisingly I am not all that picky.

5. Do you know a hoarder?

Yes, myself. But everything is neatly arranged. I could teach classes in keeping your collection organized and on display.

6. Can you do a split?

Not like your sweet Momma.

7. How old were you when you learned how to ride a bike?

6 years old. It was cool 3 speed with a banana seat and those chopper like handlebars.

8. How many oceans have you swam in?
Enough to know that there are things there that do not sleep and only wish to do harm to me. One simply doesn't walk into the ocean and hope to come back alive.

9. How many countries have you been to?

Many in Europe. A few in Asia, Australia, North America, North Africa, Greenland

10. Is anyone in your family in the army?
My father fought in the Cold War for 32 years.

11. What would you name your daughter if you had one?
Logan  or Wynter

12. What would you name your son if you had one?

13. What's the worst grade you got on an essay?
Film studies. That one nearly broke me. I was the 'movie guy' in my group and he gave me a 5 for my brilliant analysis on the ways that the US was trying to re-win the war in Vietnam through movies in the 80s like the Rambo series and those Chuck Norris stinkers. I was ready to quite University and run off and help save the majestic Californian Condor.

14. What was your favorite TV show when you were a child?

Journey to the Bottom of the Sea, Carol Burnett ShowDisney, Battlestar Galactica

15. What did you dress up as on Halloween when you were eight?
A pirate. I spent years collecting swords or guns or daggers or other parts of the costume every year.

16. Have you read any of the Harry Potter, Hunger Games or Twilight series?
First three Potters, Hunger Games and bite your tongue. I would not read Twilight with a gun to my head.

17. Would you rather have an American accent or a British accent?
How about Canadian which have no accent. It's the way everyone should sound because we can understand each other.

18. Did your mother go to college?
My Mother went to the streets of hard knocks as a cage fighter from Sundown Manitoba. Fought her way all the way to the A circuit where she met my father, got married and had a child who grew up to be amazed at all she does know as an LPN and expert on dealing with Alzheimer's patients. The woman reads 2 books a week and has since my father died. She's the Iron Lady.

19. Are your grandparents still married?

If immigrants stay married in Hell then yes.

20. Have you ever taken karate lessons?
I have a brown belt in Tai Kwon Do.  I can also fence, do archery, shoot a pistol, ride a horse, fly a single engine plane, dance, sing and delight the crowd with feat of strength and illusion. I am your modern Renaissance Man.

21. Do you know who Kermit the frog is?
He's the green one, right?

22. What's the first amusement park you've been to?
This little crappy one in Europe that had week ass rides carnival rides, a rickety Ferris Wheel and lots of bees. One got in my pop and I drank it. Then it stunk me inside my neck and tried to crawl out but I crunched him like a Jolly Rancher. Luckily I wasn't allergic or that would  have been harsh but it hurt for a week to swallow anything. The irony is that I still speak very highly of the Bees. I am a big fan of the Bee.

23. What language, besides your native language, would you like to be fluent in?
Just the language of love, baby.

24. Do you spell the color as grey or gray?
With the 'e' because I am not a retard.

25. Is your father bald?
No, I go that gene that skips a generation. Lucky me. I so hated having a 'hairstyle' It's a lot of responsibility to commit to. When you lose you hair you shave your head. That is the way civilized humans do it. If you, however, are a Hillbilly, you attempt the comb over or just wear you baseball cap 24/7. But that's cool too, ya know, good buddy?

26. Do you know triplets?
Only the Lemon Twins

27. Do you prefer Titanic or The Notebook?
I prefer neither and volunteer as Tribute!

28. Have you ever had Indian food?
Some of the best. In the North various community groups would use the schools staff room kitchen to make food for their celebrations and we would be at the table doing school work and we could always scam a free plate of grub when we went in on the weekend. The Indians had a wedding and the curry and spices were still in the school a week later. It was so spicy but so great. I thought I would die on the toilet when it all came out but it cleaned me up pretty good and killed anything bad that ever was living in me.

29. What's the name of your favorite restaurant?
The Olive Garden. Until we had a 'disagreement' over the wording in their advertising.

30. Have you ever been to Olive Garden?
Been there? I once took an entire serving hostage until I got the unlimited breadsticks I was promised. God damn it.

31. Do you belong to any warehouse stores (Costco, BJ's, etc.)?

I have a gold card from Bed, Bath and Batmobile .

32. What would your parents have named you if you were the opposite gender?
Betty Lou, how the hell do I know? That is like asking what they would have named me if I was their cat and not their child. The answer to THAT one is Snowball. But she was all white so that only shows they had limited imaginations.

33. If you have a nickname, what is it?

They called me Big Daddy but I was not all that big and not a daddy.

34. Who's your favorite person in the world?

35. Would you rather live in a rural area or in the suburbs?

I would rather live on a mountain top in Tennessee, the greenest state in the land of the free.

36. Can you whistle?

Not a song but one very piercing note that is good for calling a cat or pulverizing the frontal cortex mass of any large cephalopod.

37. Do you sleep with a nightlight? 

Only if you momma makes me keep it on.

38. Do you eat breakfast every morning?
Only if your momma knows how to make a pancake.

39. Do you take any pills or medication daily?
Just the Viagra that your momma steals from your Daddy for me.

40. What medical conditions do you have?
"What kind are you looking for, General? What you should be asking is what kind of PLAN do I have for finally bringing down MENDOZA and his freedom hating buddies. Are you with me Marines?"

Now from that sentence, you analyze what medical conditions I may have. Spoiler Alert - I'm crazy.

41. How many times have you been to the hospital?

Too many times. The food they sell is never good nor are the baked goods that you can buy at those little side tables they let people set up. How safe IS that Rice Krispie square anyways? Then of course all the sick people. But I do like the food under those metal covers. So sophisticated.

42. Have you ever seen Finding Nemo?
Once because (spoiler alert) now I know they find him.

43. Where do you buy your jeans?
Jungle Jim's Jean and Jumpsuit Junction

44. What's the last compliment you got?
I got great validation from people who I care about after telling them about my job . A couple really important ones ignored me but that is okay. The rest was biscuits and gravy with extra gravy.

45. Do you usually remember your dreams in the morning?
Every time. And that is not always such a great thing and not for the reason you may think. I can handle the bad dreams. It's the good ones that you don't want to wake up from that hurt the most. Thank YOU Morpheus for showing me what I can't have but want the most only to see me awaken back in my regular reality.

46. What flavor tea do you enjoy?

Whatever your momma is serving.

47. How many pairs of shoes do you currently own?

Maybe 10. I have a shoe for every situation.

48. What religion will you raise your children to practice?
Jedi - if they have the touch for the work and are force sensitive

49. How old were you when you found out that Santa wasn't real?
48 years old. Thanks a hell of a lot you son of a bitch.

50. Why do you have a tumblr?
Because my collection of digital images is a beautiful one and deserves to be preserved. Only the coolest of the coolest images for my archive. It's a very rigid selection process. Plus as the repository of all my captioning over the years, it's a valuable resource for human civilization. Yes. It's that important. Trust me. I have seen the future and without cat captions it is a dark and dismal dystopian shithole.



Debra She Who Seeks said...

I enjoyed all your answers, as always, but #49 is a LOL CLASSIC!

DrGoat said...

I did not know that about your Mother. Remind not to get on her bad side. And two of my favorites, Carol Burnett and Disney (the old Disney).

Erik Johnson Illustrator said...

Your mother sounds extraordinary and thats even without the cage fighting bit. Given her status as a role model I'm surprised you would even settle for my momma like you were joking about earlier.

We should team up to do our warehouse shopping. You use your Bed, Bath and Batmobile and I'll bring my card for Bed, Bath and Batman Beyond.

My parents say they would have named me Margaret if I was a girl. Its just another way of them saying that I'm a disappointment to them the way I am.

One of my neighbors tells a story of how she got sent to the principal's office for saying in the middle of class that Santa Claus wasn't real. It turns out the teacher who sent her there had a daughter who didn't learn the truth about Santa until the sixth grade. Ouch!