Wednesday, June 19, 2019

A Rare Post About Me

1. What is you middle name?

John. How boring. I wanted Xerxes dammit.

2. How old are you?


3. When is your birthday?

June 1st - Same as Marlyn Monroe. True story.

4. What is your zodiac sign?


5. What is your favorite color?


6. What’s your lucky number?


7. Do you have any pets?

Yes, the Baroness Simona Bebe Von Katzenhammer of the Salzburg Von Katzenhammers.

8. Where are you from?

From the Prairies of Western Canada (The Wakanda Of The North)

9. How tall are you?

7 and a half cubits.

10. What shoe size are you?

I take a ten bowling shoe but that is all I will say on this topic.

11. How many pairs of shoes do you own?

4 or 5

12. What was your last dream about?

They are always about getting back home.

13. What talents do you have?

I have talents in numerous fields of study. Drama, comedy, tragedy, ennui, pathos, regret and bitterness. Did I mention comedy?

14. Are you psychic in any way?

I am empathic. I feel all the pain in this world sometimes and it overwhelms me with a great sadness that I am powerless to stop anything of real note or consequence. Things that will kill us all if left unchecked. Like the idiot trump. At this point we can only hope for a bolt of lighting to make us all smile again. I keep searching for hope. Oh and I can tell when the phone is going to ring like a Spidey sense.

15. Favorite song?

Rock The Casbah, The Clash

16. Favorite movie?

Zootopia, Avengers Infinity War Saga, Black Panther, and so many others.

17. Who would be your ideal partner?


18. Do you want children?

No, the madness ends with me. Then the curse is lifted. I can't handle the responsibility of children. Plus they are germy and start out as toddlers. I both hate and fear the toddler like I hate and fear the octopus. They are both unpredictable and have no sense of their own safety. You can't take your eyes off them for a second or they will go and do something stupid.

19. Do you want a church wedding?

I don't even want a Hillbilly shotgun wedding? Who would ever want me? Weddings are insane and I will not sit there and perform in a Tuxedo for the honky's amusements. Though I would love to do this kind of dance in public with someone who tolerates me.

20. Are you religious?

Nothing in all my lifetime of acquiring knowledge has shown me that there is anything remotely resembling a divine being. Our place here is because of hundreds of thousands of years of evolution. Natural evolution. A being of that power would show itself ONCE, wouldn't it? Maybe to a place of great sadness and suffering and fix the situation with a snap of his fingers. I can't do the mental gymnastics in my head to believe in something that is just not real. Plus I hate nothing more than those mega church hucksters. HATE THEM! Believe what you want. But don't use those Bible fairy tales to take advantage of the stupid. That is it's own kind of evil.

21. Have you ever been to the hospital?

I was in Emergency the day before my birthday.

22. Have you ever got in trouble with the law?

Me and Johnny Law have a deal. Johnny Law knows that sometimes only someone OUTSIDE of the law can get the job done so Johnny Law looks the other way. For the good of the city you understand.

23. Have you ever met any celebrities?

What? I am not a celebrity? Okay, Prince Charles. He was wearing a scout uniform at the 77 World Scout Jamboree. We were laughing at our burnt Jiffy Pop popcorn and he came out of the bushes with his entourage and we couldn't stop laughing about the stupid popcorn and how we each only got about five good pieces of unburnt popcorn to eat. He laughed. Then he brought us lobsters. Not a word of a lie. We were from the base in Germany so he thought we were German. When he learned all our Dads were NATO soldiers he really took time to talk to us. It was a cool afternoon.

24. Baths or showers?

I do admit to enjoying a nice tub every now and then.

25. What color socks are you wearing?

The first rule of Sock Club is that you never talk about Sock Club.

26. Have you ever been famous?

In other time lines. But I have said too much already.

27. Would you like to be a big celebrity?

No, I would succumb to all the worst parts of that lifestyle. It's enough for me to know that I continue to be able to entertain myself. I couldn't imagine what I would be like if I was 'managed' or 'handled'. I would rebel and rebel just to make a point and no one can work with a maniac like that. These people are professionals and reasonable but I am not.

28. What type of music do you like?

It just needs a beat and you gotta be able to dance to it. I like music from all genres. It's the reaction to the music the first time you hear it. Thumbs up or down. No waffling or middle ground. And I feel very lucky to have known all the words to all the songs that were big in the late 70s and 80s. I was there when the Age of Video began.

29. Have you ever been skinny dipping?

No, who does that. I am not dangling my bits to some sea beast looking for a wriggling worm in the water, if you know what I am saying and I think that you do, baby.

30. How many pillows do you sleep with?

I can never have too many pillows. I am a Sultan with my pillows.

31. What position do you usually sleep in?

Hovering in mid air until I wake up.

32. How big is your house?

Perfect for one occupant/pilot and one NASA trained specialist space cat.

33. What do you typically have for breakfast?

Whatever I have hunted the night before, when the moon was full and the Elders proclaimed that the White Elk would appear. So yeh. Long story short there is lots of White Elk jerky for everyone.

34. Have you ever fired a gun?

Of course. But I hate them. I would never own one. No guns in Gotham. Killing a man with a gun is no challenge. But killing him with a sword is classy and sophisticated.

35. Have you ever tried archery?

Yes, and fencing and pistol shooting. One just never knows when those skills will come in handy. I once road a horse while shooting blunt arrows at other people doing the same. All my arrows stuck to the horses which is really the point, isn't it?

36. Favorite clean word?


37. Favorite swear word?


38. What’s the longest you’ve ever gone without sleep?

Five days.

39. Do you have any scars?

Yes, all taken protecting this planet from alien scum. But I have said too much already.

40. Have you ever had a secret admirer?

NEVER. I don't inspire that kind of adoration from others.

41. Are you a good liar?

I don't have to lie. The truth is so much better than anything I could ever make up.

42. Are you a good judge of character?

Especially. I have a very low tolerance for dumbasses.

43. Can you do any other accents other than your own?

Canadians can do any accent, especially Hillbilly.

44. Do you have a strong accent?

Canadians don't have an accent

45. What is your favorite accent?

Canadian or South African

46. What is your personality type?

I know I am on the spectrum but on the same side Mr Glass is on. I like the way he thinks a little too much. I am difficult - like trying to grow a hot house orchid. I am a delicate tortured little man who is so in love with his own suffering to ever connect with any other human. Probably for the rest of my life. Emotional Stability and Warmth I score poorly but Complexity, Self Reliance and Imagination I am over the top.

47. What is your most expensive piece of clothing?

My leather jacket. I love that jacket.

48. Can you curl your tongue?

Yes. I am not one of the lizard men.

49. Are you an innie or an outie?

Classified information.

50. Left or right handed?

Right. But I have the heart of a lefty. But I can't throw left or golf left or stick handle left. That is why I always play goalie. I would rather stand there at get the ball/puck shot at me than do all the running. There is honor is guarding the goal.

51. Are you scared of spiders?

Not until hey get to the five foot mark. Then I get worried. Then I think about being cocooned to be eaten later and I kill all the little ones that come around me. Do you know that they say that you are never more than six feet from a spider for your entire life. SIX FEET. I made my peace with the arachnid long ago. I have bigger fish to fry.

52. Favorite food?


53. Favorite foreign food?


54. Are you a clean or messy person?

Depends on the day

55. Most used phrased?

"All I ask, it that you TRY!"

56. Most used word?


57. How long does it take for you to get ready?

About as long as it takes yo momma to get out of her footie pajamas.

58. Do you have much of an ego?

No, a genius doesn't have to say he's a genius but it's nice every once in awhile to remind people of the fact that I am a genius.

59. Do you suck or bite lollipops?

A little of both. I don't think I have ever licked down to the center of the Tootsie Pop without crunching one.

60. Do you talk to yourself?

All the time. I am delightful to be around. Well, to myself I am. To most others I am a raving lunatic.

61. Do you sing to yourself?

Of course. Why should the world be deprived of my gift?

62. Are you a good singer?

Like an angel I sing. Learned to harmonize from old school Country and Western music.

63. Biggest Fear?

Going blind?

64. Are you a gossip?

Compared to those twitchy llamas? No.

65. Best dramatic movie you’ve seen?

Legends of the Fall

66. Do you like long or short hair?

No hair. Hairstyles are tedious and annoying to maintain but a shorn skull works for me. And the beard of course.

67. Can you name all 50 states of America?

Of course I can. I am an educated man.

68. Favorite school subject?

History or Drama

69. Extrovert or Introvert?

Introvert until I am around people then I become the opposite until pretending wears me out.

70. Have you ever been scuba diving?

We were robbed of that chance at Athletic Leadership Cadet Camp because the scuba pool was being remodeled and cleaned. I always hated that they couldn't just take us to a lake. They said it wasn't safe. SAFE? Nothing they let us do in cadets was even remotely safe. That's what made it so great. In one day you could rock climb, repel back down and run through a mud filled culvert then travel across a rope bridge to get a plate of hot beans. Never did food taste so good after two days with one ration pack. Glorious.

71. What makes you nervous?


72. Are you scared of the dark?

No. Me and Darkness are old friends.

73. Do you correct people when they make mistakes?

If it's true dumbass behavior then I am guilty as charged.

74. Are you ticklish?

I don't allow anyone to get close enough to me to know one way or another.

75. Have you ever started a rumor?

About yo momma? Everyone has started a rumor about yo momma.

76. Have you ever been in a position of authority?

Many times. I taught for 20 years.

77. Have you ever drank underage?

No, by Jove, Nooooo

78. Have you ever done drugs?

The Old Toby is a sacrament in some religions like my own.

79. Who was your first real crush?

Caroline Munro - Golden Voyage Of Sinbad

80. How many piercings do you have?

Just my clitoris.

81. Can you roll your Rs?“

YES, I am not a psycho.

82. How fast can you type?

Like the wind. I can type like the wind. Home Row baby. Always go back to the beginning and it all begins with Home Row. I can type it almost as fast as I can think it. It's the reason for my prolific ability to post.

83. How fast can you run?


84. What color is your hair?

reddish blond

85. What color is your eyes?

Blue within blue like the Fremen of Arakis.

86. What are you allergic to?

Camel hair. Just camel hair.

87. Do you keep a journal?

This blog is my journal.

88. What do your parents do?

My Mother worked with Alzheimer's patients in the nursing home and my Father was a soldier.

89. Do you like your age?

No. Who likes their age? It's like your death clock, man. Always ticking away.

90. What makes you angry?

Everything. Everything enrages me.

91. Do you like your own name?

Of course. It's COOL. Have you read the title of this blog?

92. Have you already thought of baby names, and if so what are they?

I would name a girl Logan or Winter or Simona.

93. Do you want a boy a girl for a child?

Girl. Seeing the world through those eyes would be amazing.

94. What are your strengths?

I have many skills and knowledge acquired over a lifetime and that gives me perspective. I think about everything all the time. Of course that makes me a hermit because people can't stand to be around me for very long. But in a post-apocalyptic world I would survive longer than most because I know how to keep myself alive and entertained. I know how to work plans within plans. I will never go 'gently into that good night'.

95. What are your weaknesses?

Kryptonite, beets and finishing people's sentences in my head. (That enrages me). The fact that I need no one to survive. I should need people to survive then maybe I would try harder with people.

96. How did you get your name?

Calvin was my father's chosen name and the name people called him. When kids would say that Calvin meant 'bald' I would remind that Calvinism was a very harsh and difficult Middle Ages religion that believed that nothing can keep you from Hell because all your futures were already predetermined before you were even born. I told them that it keeps me from filling my mind with things I cannot control. I was a weird little kid but the only Calvin I ever met or knew as a teacher.

97. Were your ancestors royalty?

Wasn't everybody's?

98. Do you have any scars?

My face is covered with them and each has a story. I already have a white cat. All I need is a monocle and a Neru jacket. I am the perfect James Bond villain.

99. Color of your bedspread?

It's a Spider Man quilt. So what? You don't know me.

100. Color of your room?

All the colors of the rainbow.



Debra She Who Seeks said...

A Spider-Man quilt, eh? I didn't think there was anything left to learn about you, but now THIS.

Simon B said...

So, that was a true insight into Cal, the man, the myth, the legend. Fascinating stuff as ever.
But I could have done without no. 80...

DrGoat said...

My middle name is John too. Never use it though.

Cal's Canadian Cave of Coolness said...

Number 80 happened in college. We were all wild back then.

Cal's Canadian Cave of Coolness said...

John is th worst mddle name of all time and that quilt is just the right thickness and material. Not too hot and not too cold.