Thursday, December 25, 2008

Guilty Pleasure Cinema - Curse of the Komodo

Boy I have been on a role lately with bad bad Sci-Fi channel movies. But I have to give them credit for putting out some of the cheesiest crap this side of Plan Nine From Outer Space. And like that Hoff crapfest about the giant snake, CURSE OF THE KOMODO is awesomely bad. Of course it involves science run amok on a tropical island where the military and science have gotten together to create giant mutated komodo dragons for what purpose I don't know but suffice it to say it will only create drama and death for our plucky group of survivors. And what a group it is....

The ex-military helicopter pilot who is hired to transport 3 casino thieves off another island - who of course is smart and resourceful and will no doubt live to fly off the island before the military can napalm it to hide their involvement in giant lizard experiments.

The three casino thieves which include the dumb guy, the surely, greedy loner in the muscle shirt and his hot blonde girlfriend (also in a muscle shirt) who wants a better life. Of course they will all die. The 'brains' of the gang dying after choosing to go for the duffle bag full of casino loot rather than run for the helicopter escape.

The scientist and his neglected wife/lab assistant. He will die because it was his experiments that started this whole mutated lizard problem in the first place. His wife/lab assistant will live cause she is the least attractive blonde and has the evidence to screw with the military who is trying to supress the truth. But of course none of this happens until he can confess that he was wrong for 'playing with nature'. Well DUH!

The scientist's hot hot daughter who of course roams around this island in her white tank top and shorts and wastes not time stripping down to nothing to show off her ample surgically enhanced busoms whenever a waterfall pool becomes available. Of course she should die and be eaten by the giant mutated lizard after having or while having sex with her boyfriend but he is eaten early on in the movie so against all cheesy b-movie conventions she actually lives but spends most of the movie crying and screaming while adding nothing of value to the group exept giving someone for the brave hunky ex-military helicopter jock to protect.

Several employees of the monster island who are there to be eated by our large komondo dragon buddy whenever they need to ramp up the action.

And who can forget the GENERATOR that powers the electric fence around the scientist's island home that will conveniently sputter and die at night just as the huge dragon gets hungry forcing our group to make a run for the helicopter that was suppose to be broken down but for some reason fixed itself in time for some to make it to safety.

BONUS - and why is it that the most deadly combat rifles known to man always prove entirely inefficient against anything larger than a pineapple in these movies. They must spend 2/3rds of the movie shooting at this mutated lizard bastard and not a single shell bursts its skin. This of course doesn't stop them from trying again and again and again hoping that history will be proven wrong. It takes the scientist being eaten with a huge brick of C4 in his jumper to kill this thing by exploding him from within. Thats why HE is the the smartest guy in the room.

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