Thursday, July 31, 2014

Sharknado 2

"We'll all going to die in a Sharknado."

Who ever thought Ian Ziering would have ENNUI after surviving the first Sharknado. He seemed so happy and stable. Could another weird weather phenomenon be in his future? Will that weather phenomenon have Shark components? Will I recognize all the stunt casting that was done in this movie? Will I even care. Of course I care. I love my pop culture like I love my pop tarts and boy do I love my pop tarts.

The film starts like Twilight Zone when more flying sharks mess up the landing of a plane that our hero and his idiot girlfriend happen to be upon. Of course no one believes him until the sharks start flying THROUGH the freakin' plane. Good times.

The opening of the movie, which Robert Hayes (Airplane) as the pilot is so batshit crazy that I can't possible explain it to you. It ranks right up there with the worse plane rides of all time. Good thing Ian Zeiring can ALSO fly a huge passenger plane and land it safely. He's not a one trick pony.

Tara Reid does her part by shooting sharks while hanging onto a strap and half hanging out the plane. Just like it would happen in real life. She lost her hand but I figure she will find something deadly to attached to it by the movie's end. In fact I am sure of it. How she was ready to go back into the battle after major surgery. Her buzz saw prothstetic device fantastic stuff. Why did she only use it once in battle? I see a whole sequel with just her - fighting terrorists in Central America with her one boob and buzz saw hand.

OMG - this movie has it's own THEME SONG. Why not? It helps me forget about all the bad stunt casting, most of which look done in one take and improvised.

Billy Ray Cyrus as a surgeon? I think this movie will not be given any Oscar consideration because there are just too many good performances to nominate. There has to be list somewhere of the F-listers who made the final cut on screen.

Now where is the freakin' military? We got us a level five Sharnado brewing here. I blame Obama for the slow response of the army. But all those extras in military gear would have blown up the budget, which I am happy to say has not increased since the last film.

Why are all these people leaving a sports stadium when it's safer to just stay inside that concrete structure? Maybe they just like to run with souvenir bats in their hands and ride subway trains during a storm. There is a lot of running in the open going on here and despite all the shark attacks, this is a relatively bloodless affair - too bloodless. I need to find the unrated version of this one. It's no fun without the heads and bodies all chewed up.

I have to admire all the ways they found to put people in Shark danger. These are not just regular sharks. These are SUPERSHARKS who can rip off the back of a subway car with one bite.

Okay, the subway is no longer safe. Maybe the streets will be easier to survive. Don't count on it Ian and Company. You have many bad special effects to fight until the end of your adventure and many other stupid actions to do.

I have to give Al Roker and Matt Lauer of the Today Show credit for playing this one straight down the middle. Without a smirk on their faces they acted like this was just like any other bad weather story on a bad day for New York.

I am so glad that this movie doesn't take time to explain anything that would only get in the way of the action and the running....and the rolling head of the Statue of Liberty which has SO much momentum that it kept going forever.

The medieval sword was a nice touch as well as were the flare and propane bombs that Ian can just seem to whip up on a moment's notice.

More people running up and down stairs. Flaming sharks from above, water filled with sharks from below. I like how no bad idea was left off the table. But again, where is the blood and violence that should be the hallmark of a classic like Sharknado 2? This feels like the Disney version, or at least the version I watched did. When did SYFY sanitize it's stuff so horribly.

I will not describe the finale to you because like most of this film it has to be seen to be believed. Not the worst way I have spent 90 minutes of my life.


Debra She Who Seeks said...

I'd be interested in hearing the worst way you ever spent 90 minutes of your life.

Kal said...

It was the cold war and I was trying to fly a homemade kite to fly from East to West GERMANY and save a dozen orphans while doing so. But I had help with that one.

Tim Knight said...

Great review of a great movie.

Erik Johnson Illustrator said...

Wow. That poster with the Liberty torch looks awesome!

Mike D. said...

Oh they need a good gag writer for these movies... Judd Hirsch? C'mon his name should have been Alex... Biz Mark E a pizza guy? Ian should have walked in there and said YOU GOT WHAT I NEED!!! there were so many more missed gag lines they could have used too. It was pretty much a parody. I didn't take it seriously at all...neither did they. Now for Sharknado 3 they eed to get me in there during production to do re-writes on the fly!!!