Saturday, October 11, 2008

Big Ass Snakes and the 'Hoff

I am sooooo lonely and bored tonight that I am looking for anything interesting to read or to look at. I could totally drink a whole bottle of Niquil tonight but that would keep me from working on my Halloween costume which is also a total waste of time since I have no venue to display it in. I could go door to door but without children that would be both pathetic and funny. I was never one to steal the candy from other kids but I am soarly tempted this year; I will just tell anyone that confronts me that I needed new pillow cases.

I am actually watching Anaconda 3 starring David Hasselhoff online right now. We all know how much I love my craptacular moster movies and they don't get any worse than ones with giant snakes and the 'Hoff. Oh you scientists pushing the edges of nature...tampering with evolution...don't you know that the only way this can end is with your creatures turning you into McNuggets? (sans dipping sauce). Cooooool.

My Observations:

1. When your snake girl tells you to reinforce the snake tank you REINFORCE THE SNAKE TANK!!!!! And these are scientists who we assume graduated from high school?

2. Security NOT enter the open vent when the big snake is loose.

3. We can always count on the snake lady to be a hot blond wearing a tank top which will get wet just when all the shit goes down. Thats it...just stand around in your wet top waiting for your body heat to attract the snake.

4. In any giant snake movie staring the 'Hoff, the 'Hoff will be a bigger badass than the badass snake.

5. Be careful NOT to fill your jeeps with rocket fuel cause you know that when a snake hunter gets his head ripped off by the giant anaconda his first (or last) reflex will be to shoot in the direction of the jeeps causing a massive explosion and eliminating your only means of quick escape.

6. Snakes will not be attracted by the words "Here Kitty Kitty."

7. NO WAY are they paying the snake hunters enough to hunt a snake that big. How do I know? Cause there is not enough money on planet Earth to get me to do the job. (especially with their toys-r-us weapons collection)

8. The B.A.S. will follow roads and trails through the forest so that it can be followed by expedible actors in their jeeps and much like the A-Team the jeep will flip at the least opportune moment. It will also catch on fire just when the snake shows up outside the flipped jeeps window forcing the hot blond in the tank top to run until she falls in the mud hole thus rendering her invisible to the big snake.

9. Hot girl has unlimited supply of clean white tank tops.

10. Big ass snake will kill hot girl and black guy last. (if at all)

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